You're Driving Me Crazy... The Bus Driver Diaries... Part 1

tommyrawblog@gmail.com







Just in case if you wanna read the

Bus Driver Diaries Introduction

first before you get to Part 1





Part 1

This happened to me a few years back.

And lemme tell ya,

even Rodney Dangerfield

never had it this bad lololol

Oh the fuckin' horror!


I was working a trip that originated
from the Port Authority building
in Manhattan, New York City,

and traveled express down the
Garden State Parkway to exit 82
and the Toms River Bus Terminal
in New Jersey.


It was a Wednesday.
And what do you get when you combine
New York City and Wednesday?


That's right folks...
Broadway matinee day!


Every fucking Wednesday was an adventure

lemme tell ya. It's the day that the retired

suburbanites clip their coupons and put on their "Wednesday Best" for a day on the town!


As usual, the bus filled with both the hardcore commuter crowd,

who wanted nothing more than for the bus

to leave the station,
roll those wheels, and have their
over-worked eyes close for a nice
numbing nap on the ride home.


Along with those wacky, loud, bristling,
over-intoxicated retirees who wanted
anything but... a nice numbing nap!


It was the perfect storm for trouble!
Every Wednesday
this storm was a brewin' aboard my bus!


Okay, so by now

we've finally pulled out of the Port Authority,

rolled through the Lincoln Tunnel,

left the New Jersey Turnpike behind
at the one and only exit 11,
and have begun the long journey down the
Garden State Parkway towards Toms River.


The parkway is always a challenge for us... LoL
I've had to stop and pull over 3 maybe 4 times

throughout the years because of a drunk dude

who needed to pee.

And it's usually a huge, gigantic drunken

iron worker.

So funny.


I'd pull the bus over, they'd jump off
and stumble their way up towards
the higher brush and let it fly.


And then of course

when they climbed back on the bus

they would always greet me with an
"I love you dude" and then extend their hand
for me to shake... LoL


I'd crack up right in their gigantic,
well-grained iron-worker face and say...


"Get the hell outta here you crazy bastard
I'm not gonna shake your filthy hand!

Just go sit down so we can get goin'.
And please do me a favor...
don't beat up on anybody
back their either ok!

Love you too dude!"


The other passengers fully understood my dilemma of stopping or not but,

they were truly appreciative and thankful

for my stopping. Because they also knew

the potential damage these gigantic drunken

muthafucka's could cause

if not handled with kid gloves.


But I digress...


So... here we were, bangin' 70 mph,
Parkway South,
bus STILL bustling with loud
boisterous bitty's until...

someone yelled out...


 "Would you all PLEASE
just shut the hell up back there!!!"


The entire bus went silent.
Not a single peep emanated from a single biddy.
They were temporarily stunned by the outburst.


That silence lasted exactly 3 seconds... LoL


The group of about 10 or so biddy's

pretty much ignored that frantic plea.
And went right back

to the bustling boisterous behavior

of recounting the drunken days events
as if nothing at all was said to them!


And oh, just to let you know,

that the jocular bustling biddy's

were all sitting about
halfway down the isle of the bus
while the upset committed commuter
was sitting right behind... me!


Right behind the thick plastic
driver seat divider.


Another 5 minutes goes by
as the boisterous behavior bellowed on
and I can now hear the rumblings

of yet another eruption behind me

about to explode
and fill the bus with a second round
of volcanic ash.


And bang...


"Jesus Christ...
Shut the hell up!"


And then, all hell broke loose!
Total chaos!


A verbal barrage of unfiltered profanity
quickly consumed the entire bus
that made the Gulf War seem like child's play!


Now mind you, I'm still jammin'
down the Parkway at 70 mph
as the sun had already
given way to the pitch.
Which automatically ups the anti
for shit to happen out on the road.
So something had to be done

as my concentration was now being sucked dry
by the dysfunction living out behind me.


I let the war rage on for maybe
another minute or 2 before I'd finally
had enough of the bullshit,
and broke my silence
when there was a momentary lull
on the battlefield.


"Okay okay back there.

C'mon now...
we all have to work together
so we can get home in one piece.

How about alittle tolerance

from both sides.

C'mon, let's just settle down
and work it out in a neighborly way!"


Now that wasn't too bad right?
I mean I didn't go off on them
or anything heavy handed.


Again... the bus went silent.


Then...
rising from the depths
of that heated volcanic ash...
the leader of the drunken biddy's brigade
broke the silence with her
alcohol-riddled breath...


"Are ya done!?!?

Now shut'chor mouth
and drive the bus!!!"


LoLoLoLoLoL
Can you believe what the fuck you just read... LoL



DEAD



FUCKING



SILENCE!



I was a fuckin' comic strip
come to life
sitting in that drivers seat
as we barreled down the road.
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OH



MY



GOD!




Even the knucklehead
who set the wheels in motion
to this melodrama sitting behind me
knew it was bad.


Suddenly I saw his head pop out

from around the divider

with the look of utter surprise...
and quite frankly... freight! LoL


"Oh man, dude, that was fuckin' brutal!

Please just stay calm.
Don't do anything crazy.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry man!

I won't say another word dude.
Please just keep your head in the game
and get us home in one piece okay... please!

I promise I won't say another fuckin' word!

Oh man though... dude...
that was fuckin' brutal... hahahaha!!"


Too fuckin' funny!


The retard who started the whole thing
was now pleading with me...
and my steam...
to keep it together
and not to punch that intoxicated
old fuck in the face... LoL


You just can't make this shit up!


The bus was dead silent

as the passengers disembarked

at the Tom's River Terminal.


Of course life rolled on...


BUT...
I just got fuckin' verbally bitch slapped
by the muthafuckin' bride
of the muthafuckin'
Cryptkeeper!

You muthafucka you!


Nowadays...
I don't give a flying fuck
if they're murdering one another behind me!
Just as long as none of the bullets hit me...
have at it jerkoff's!


I get paid to drive the bus...
and not to be a fucking babysitter!!


Welcome...

All Aboard!

You're Driving Me Crazy... The Bus Driver Diaries... Introduction

tommyrawblog@gmail.com

Too much... the magic bus!


This was another project I was just beginning

to work on when my cousin presented
this blog idea to me.


I think it'll work here as well.


Lets face it
an entertaining read is just that...
entertaining!


And I'm pretty certain that some of these entries

will cause a chuckle or two.
Well at least one chuckle.

Maybe.


This entry is but an introduction to the idea.
I hope you guys enjoy it!

Unfortunately I got sidetracked

and never really made it beyond the

Introduction and Part 1.

But you're still gonna laugh!!


As always... your pal tommy

You're Driving Me Crazy...

The Bus Driver Diaries

Introduction

You just never really know

where you're going to end up in life do you?

Like with me,

I went from the U.S. Navy

then right into the technology field.

Where I was employed at a fantastic company

for 16 years.

And then... somehow...

I became tommy the bus driver!

Not as lovable as Ralph Kramden mind you,
but then again who of us could ever be
as lovable as that, right?

Dealing with the daily commuters

and general public at large day in and day out

5 days a week.

I've had my share of minor mishaps.

Like closing the doors on people and such.

But that's always come about

because of their own lack of patience

and flat-out stupidity really.


Good grief.

They always try to squeeze their way

in through the closing doors
at the very last moment.


Now I ask you,

is that the definition of

impatience & stupidity or what?

I'll never forget the desperate mumblings

emanating from the lopsided lips

of my first would-be a-hole rider.

It was so funny!!

His face was being smooshed

within the rubber-edged closing doors of my bus.

I opened the doors.


But...

after I berated him

for trying to squeeze in

at the last second of course.

You just had to see his face

between the doors

and then to hear him say...


“Caaan u peez oben da ooor naw?”


What a fucking douche he was.

Too funny.

I've also seen a handful of Johnny-come-lately's

trip and fall while desperately running

to flag me down. I do feel bad for them mind you,
if only for a second.


But c'mon,

you know as well as I do

that watching someone fly head-over-heels

is always a hilarious thing to witness.

I mean coffee, briefcases, papers, shoes,

everything goes flying through the air

at one point or another.


And usually the only thing that ever gets hurt

as a result is their slightly bruised ego.

So it's guilt free laughter

all the way my friends. Guilt free!

Listen to this one.


I had to actually stop the bus

in the middle of the fuckin' Lincoln Tunnel

to break up a fist fight between two women.


Can you believe that shit!?


My very first thought

when the commotion finally caught my attention

was that someone was trying to

detonate a bomb or something


(This was less than 6 months post 9/11.

And everyone was still on edge

while riding through

those fuckin' tunnels)


So I was literally ready to snap a neck

and kill someone if need be

I can tell you that much.


But no,

it wasn't a terrorist at all trying to annihilate us.

It was just two assholes

fighting over how far the seat-back was reclined. Unbelievable right!?

Well once I realized

that they were simply fighting

over this bullshit and not trying to kill us all

I just fuckin' lost it.

Remember now,

just a second ago

I was actually contemplating

the quickest way to take a life
in order to protect us all.


And as a result of that temporary transformation

into John Rambo,

I couldn't come down

from that powerful adrenalin rush fast enough

and I began cursing my head off

at the them both.


“F” bombs quickly overtook

the thickening airspace of the coach.
Oh man it was too funny.

Well it's funny now,

years later from in front

of this stupid computer screen as I type away.
But back then... not so much!


I ordered one of them to go sit in the rear

of the bus and then yelled at the other one

to shut the fuck up

and sit where she was.

And these were grown women mind you.

From a well-to-do neighborhood.

Fuck me dude!


A handful of silly things such as that

have happened over the years.

Mostly just inadvertent verbal assaults

heaved upon
the unsuspected riders really.
(Love that line, dont'choo!?)


Like this one time

when I was pulling into a bus stop.

I looked up into the mirror

and noticed a woman

who was awkwardly making her way

down the center isle of the bus
preparing to disembark.


She was Asian.


So what's the big deal about that you ask?


Well under normal circumstances

it wouldn't be an issue at all.

But, since we're talkin' about Tommy Mondello,

it suddenly became one.


Ugh... listen to this disaster.

Sooo good lololol


Now I have to preface this first

by saying that I hadn't made any connection

whatsoever

about what I said and who she was...

until...

the fucking words were already outta my mouth.


(I fuckin' swear to whomever it is that you pray to

I didn't make the connection! LoL)


Thus causing an explosion of red-faced laughter

to erupt from the entire front half of the coach.

You see,

as the bus was coming to a semi-rough stand still,

I innocently...

and sincerely called out to her...


“You're holdin' onto something right dear?

We're comin' to the stop!

We don't want you to fall and hurt yourself

now do we?!

Use that Kung-Fu grip of yours!”

Now ya gotta know

that in my mind

I was only thinking about one thing,

and one thing only.


And that was of course

GI Joe with the kung-fu grip.

(Remember him?)


Ya know,

able to hold onto things

such as a fucking bus handrail.
(Stop laughing you humps... LoL)


It had absolutely nothing to do whatsoever

with the fact that this chick just happened to be
of the Asian persuasion.

Well,

I heard the laughter erupt immediately and then...

it hit me,

just what the fuck I had said.

And who I had said it too.


I just told an Asian woman

to use her fucking Kung-Fu grip

to hold onto something

for crying out loud.

There wasn't a GI Joe in sight dude,
not a one!


Once it all hit me,

within seconds

I had rivers of laughter-driven tears

barreling down both cheeks.

As did half the fuckin' bus.
Am I an idiot or what!?

YES!


But I was a lucky idiot though.


Because she was a very gracious,

lovely lady who was also laughing herself.

She knew I was only looking out for her safety.

Albeit in a gross, Archie Bunker-like kinda way,

but looking out for her best interest nonetheless.


Some other very silly, lighthearted encounters
came about along the way.

We'll read about those down the road!


Oh wait,

I thought I had a dead body on board

at one point.

That would have been an interesting

development to say the least right.
Nothing lighthearted about that.

He was as rigged as a steel girder

and wouldn't wake for anything.

But after the police and paramedic's

finally rousted him

from his overly stiffened,

bum-like,

drunken,

drug induced near death slumber

and got him to exit the bus,
I went right on with my duties.


So, almost a great story, but not quite.
My silly lighthearted record holds fast.


Probably one of the most ridiculous things

to ever happen to me involving a “bus”

so to speak didn't even occur

while I was driving one.

And I didn't even realize just how ironic

it was until many many years after the fact.

You see,

I recently came across the written test

I had taken to acquire my CDL
(Commercial class 2 (B) Drivers License).


June 2, 1981 was the date atop the test.


Remember,

this was way before the electronic age my friends.

When they actually handed you

a hard copy test to take

at the Department of Motor Vehicles office.

Unlike today where everything
is done on the computer.

I had gotten one question wrong

out of the twenty asked.

Not bad right?

But of course

the question I messed up on

just happened to involve a fucking bus.


Can you believe that shit?
It was a bus question!


And I got it wrong.


I mean there were only 5 bus specific questions

on the entire test and I got one of them wrong!


Too funny.

There it is... look at that date... 1981!
Seems like a lifetime ago.
I got question # 5 wrong.
Nowadays everything is done on the computer, no more hard copy  : (

Well it took me some 24 years

to finally put that CDL to use

and begin my Ralph Kramden career.

But here I am,

literally sitting in the drivers seat

and looking down at that one question I missed.

Too funny!

Ya know,

I've heard so many crazy stories over the years,

from the compelling,

to the down right belly-laughable

from other drivers

that I've decided to compile some of the bedlam

and the craziness right here

within the blog from time to time.


So buckle up,

hold on tight,

and don't even think about pushing

that passenger
“stop signal” button.


Because this 17 ton diesel bitch

is about to take off,

and it ain’t stoppin' for nobody!


But please,

please don't try any of this stuff

you're about to read with your own vehicles,

passengers,

or with any other drivers
on the road.


Yes even that asshole

who's been tailgating you

for the last three miles.


Have no fear,

one of us will most certainly be cutting

that douche bag off for you
at any moment now.


You see,

we cause more than enough chaos

out there on the roadways as is.

So just do yourselves a favor and put away
that middle finger.


Stop yelling your heads off

out that rolled down window,

and just be on your way!

Believe me when I say,

that we have the mayhem

and chaos department

completely covered

and fully staffed

out here on the roadways, thank you!


So without further ado,
lets find out why...


you're driving me crazy!







Click below to go directly to

Part 1

of the Bus Driver Diaries