Saturday, September 21, 2013

You're Driving Me Crazy... The Bus Driver Diaries... Introduction

Too much... the magic bus!

This was another project I was just beginning
to work on when my cousin presented
this blog idea to me.

I think it'll work here as well.

Lets face it
an entertaining read is just that...

And I'm pretty certain that some of these entries
will cause a chuckle or two.
Well at least one chuckle.

This entry is but an introduction to the idea.
I hope you guys enjoy it!

Unfortunately I got sidetracked
and never really made it beyond the
Introduction and Part 1.

But you're still gonna laugh!!

As always... your pal tommy

You're Driving Me Crazy...

The Bus Driver Diaries


You just never really know
where you're going to end up in life do you?

Like with me,
I went from the U.S. Navy
then right into the technology field.
Where I was employed at a fantastic company
for 16 years.

And then... somehow...
I became tommy the bus driver!

Not as lovable as Ralph Kramden mind you,
but then again who of us could ever be
as lovable as that, right?

The Honeymooners. Ralph Kramden Alice Trixie and Ed Norton

Dealing with the daily commuters
and general public at large day in and day out
5 days a week.

I've had my share of minor mishaps.
Like closing the doors on people and such.
But that's always come about
because of their own lack of patience
and flat-out stupidity really.

Good grief.
They always try to squeeze their way
in through the closing doors
at the very last moment.

Now I ask you,
is that the definition of
impatience & stupidity or what?

I'll never forget the desperate mumblings
emanating from the lopsided lips
of my first would-be a-hole rider.
It was so funny!!
His face was being smooshed
within the rubber-edged closing doors of my bus.

I opened the doors.

after I berated him
for trying to squeeze in
at the last second of course.

You just had to see his face
between the doors
and then to hear him say...

Caaan u peez oben da ooor naw?

What a fucking douche he was.
Too funny.

I've also seen a handful of Johnny-come-lately's
trip and fall while desperately running
to flag me down. I do feel bad for them mind you,
if only for a second.

But c'mon,
you know as well as I do
that watching someone fly head-over-heels
is always a hilarious thing to witness.

I mean coffee, briefcases, papers, shoes,
everything goes flying through the air
at one point or another.

And usually the only thing that ever gets hurt
as a result is their slightly bruised ego.
So it's guilt free laughter
all the way my friends. Guilt free!

Listen to this one.

I had to actually stop the bus
in the middle of the fuckin' Lincoln Tunnel
to break up a fist fight between two women.

Can you believe that shit!?

My very first thought
when the commotion finally caught my attention
was that someone was trying to
detonate a bomb or something

(This was less than 6 months post 9/11.
And everyone was still on edge
while riding through
those fuckin' tunnels)

So I was literally ready to snap a neck
and kill someone if need be
I can tell you that much.

But no,
it wasn't a terrorist at all trying to annihilate us.
It was just two assholes
fighting over how far the seat-back was reclined. Unbelievable right!?

Well once I realized
that they were simply fighting
over this bullshit and not trying to kill us all
I just fuckin' lost it.

Remember now,
just a second ago
I was actually contemplating
the quickest way to take a life
in order to protect us all.

And as a result of that temporary transformation
I couldn't come down
from that powerful adrenalin rush fast enough
and I began cursing my head off
at the them both.

F” bombs quickly overtook
the thickening airspace of the coach.
Oh man it was too funny.

Well it's funny now,
years later from in front
of this stupid computer screen as I type away.
But back then... not so much!

I ordered one of them to go sit in the rear
of the bus and then yelled at the other one
to shut the fuck up
and sit where she was.
And these were grown women mind you.
From a well-to-do neighborhood.
Fuck me dude!

A handful of silly things such as that
have happened over the years.
Mostly just inadvertent verbal assaults
heaved upon
the unsuspected riders really.
(Love that line, dont'choo!?)

Like this one time
when I was pulling into a bus stop.
I looked up into the mirror
and noticed a woman
who was awkwardly making her way
down the center isle of the bus
preparing to disembark.

She was Asian.

So what's the big deal about that you ask?

Well under normal circumstances
it wouldn't be an issue at all.
But, since we're talkin' about Tommy Mondello,
it suddenly became one.

Ugh... listen to this disaster.
Sooo good lololol

Now I have to preface this first
by saying that I hadn't made any connection
about what I said and who she was...
the fucking words were already outta my mouth.

(I fuckin' swear to whomever it is that you pray to
I didn't make the connection! LoL)

Thus causing an explosion of red-faced laughter
to erupt from the entire front half of the coach.

You see,
as the bus was coming to a semi-rough stand still,
I innocently...
and sincerely called out to her...

You're holdin' onto something right dear?

We're comin' to the stop!

We don't want you to fall and hurt yourself

now do we?!

Use that Kung-Fu grip of yours!

Now ya gotta know
that in my mind
I was only thinking about one thing,
and one thing only.

And that was of course

(Remember him?)

Ya know,
able to hold onto things
such as a fucking bus handrail.
(Stop laughing you humps... LoL)

It had absolutely nothing to do whatsoever
with the fact that this chick just happened to be
of the Asian persuasion.

I heard the laughter erupt immediately and then...
it hit me,
just what the fuck I had said.
And who I had said it too.

I just told an Asian woman
to use her fucking Kung-Fu grip
to hold onto something
for crying out loud.
There wasn't a GI Joe in sight dude,
not a one!

Once it all hit me,
within seconds
I had rivers of laughter-driven tears
barreling down both cheeks.
As did half the fuckin' bus.
Am I an idiot or what!?

But I was a lucky idiot though.

Because she was a very gracious,
lovely lady who was also laughing herself.
She knew I was only looking out for her safety.
Albeit in a gross, Archie Bunker-like kinda way,
but looking out for her best interest nonetheless.

Some other very silly, lighthearted encounters
came about along the way.
We'll read about those down the road!

Oh wait,
I thought I had a dead body on board
at one point.
That would have been an interesting
development to say the least right.
Nothing lighthearted about that.

He was as rigged as a steel girder
and wouldn't wake for anything.
But after the police and paramedic's
finally rousted him
from his overly stiffened,
drug induced near death slumber
and got him to exit the bus,
I went right on with my duties.

So, almost a great story, but not quite.
My silly lighthearted record holds fast.

Probably one of the most ridiculous things
to ever happen to me involving a “bus”
so to speak didn't even occur
while I was driving one.
And I didn't even realize just how ironic
it was until many many years after the fact.

You see,
I recently came across the written test
I had taken to acquire my CDL
(Commercial class 2 (B) Drivers License).

June 2, 1981 was the date atop the test.

this was way before the electronic age my friends.
When they actually handed you
a hard copy test to take
at the Department of Motor Vehicles office.
Unlike today where everything
is done on the computer.

I had gotten one question wrong
out of the twenty asked.
Not bad right?
But of course
the question I messed up on
just happened to involve a fucking bus.

Can you believe that shit?
It was a bus question!

And I got it wrong.

I mean there were only 5 bus specific questions
on the entire test and I got one of them wrong!

Too funny.

Tommy Mondello CDL drivers test class 2 (B) test June 1981 New York
There it is... look at that date... 1981!
Seems like a lifetime ago.
I got question # 5 wrong.
Nowadays everything is done on the computer, no more hard copy  : (

Well it took me some 24 years
to finally put that CDL to use
and begin my Ralph Kramden career.
But here I am,
literally sitting in the drivers seat
and looking down at that one question I missed.
Too funny!

Ya know,
I've heard so many crazy stories over the years,
from the compelling,
to the down right belly-laughable
from other drivers
that I've decided to compile some of the bedlam
and the craziness right here
within the blog from time to time.

So buckle up,
hold on tight,
and don't even think about pushing
that passenger
“stop signal” button.

Because this 17 ton diesel bitch
is about to take off,
and it ain’t stoppin' for nobody!

But please,
please don't try any of this stuff
you're about to read with your own vehicles,
or with any other drivers
on the road.

Yes even that asshole
who's been tailgating you
for the last three miles.

Have no fear,
one of us will most certainly be cutting
that douche bag off for you
at any moment now.

You see,
we cause more than enough chaos
out there on the roadways as is.
So just do yourselves a favor and put away
that middle finger.

Stop yelling your heads off
out that rolled down window,
and just be on your way!
Believe me when I say,
that we have the mayhem
and chaos department
completely covered
and fully staffed
out here on the roadways, thank you!

So without further ado,

lets find out why...

you're driving me crazy!

Click below to go directly to

of the Bus Driver Diaries 

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