You're Driving Me Crazy... The Bus Driver Diaries... Introduction

tommyrawblog@gmail.com

Too much... the magic bus!


This was another project I was just beginning

to work on when my cousin presented
this blog idea to me.


I think it'll work here as well.


Lets face it
an entertaining read is just that...
entertaining!


And I'm pretty certain that some of these entries

will cause a chuckle or two.
Well at least one chuckle.

Maybe.


This entry is but an introduction to the idea.
I hope you guys enjoy it!

Unfortunately I got sidetracked

and never really made it beyond the

Introduction and Part 1.

But you're still gonna laugh!!


As always... your pal tommy

You're Driving Me Crazy...

The Bus Driver Diaries

Introduction

You just never really know

where you're going to end up in life do you?

Like with me,

I went from the U.S. Navy

then right into the technology field.

Where I was employed at a fantastic company

for 16 years.

And then... somehow...

I became tommy the bus driver!

Not as lovable as Ralph Kramden mind you,
but then again who of us could ever be
as lovable as that, right?

Dealing with the daily commuters

and general public at large day in and day out

5 days a week.

I've had my share of minor mishaps.

Like closing the doors on people and such.

But that's always come about

because of their own lack of patience

and flat-out stupidity really.


Good grief.

They always try to squeeze their way

in through the closing doors
at the very last moment.


Now I ask you,

is that the definition of

impatience & stupidity or what?

I'll never forget the desperate mumblings

emanating from the lopsided lips

of my first would-be a-hole rider.

It was so funny!!

His face was being smooshed

within the rubber-edged closing doors of my bus.

I opened the doors.


But...

after I berated him

for trying to squeeze in

at the last second of course.

You just had to see his face

between the doors

and then to hear him say...


“Caaan u peez oben da ooor naw?”


What a fucking douche he was.

Too funny.

I've also seen a handful of Johnny-come-lately's

trip and fall while desperately running

to flag me down. I do feel bad for them mind you,
if only for a second.


But c'mon,

you know as well as I do

that watching someone fly head-over-heels

is always a hilarious thing to witness.

I mean coffee, briefcases, papers, shoes,

everything goes flying through the air

at one point or another.


And usually the only thing that ever gets hurt

as a result is their slightly bruised ego.

So it's guilt free laughter

all the way my friends. Guilt free!

Listen to this one.


I had to actually stop the bus

in the middle of the fuckin' Lincoln Tunnel

to break up a fist fight between two women.


Can you believe that shit!?


My very first thought

when the commotion finally caught my attention

was that someone was trying to

detonate a bomb or something


(This was less than 6 months post 9/11.

And everyone was still on edge

while riding through

those fuckin' tunnels)


So I was literally ready to snap a neck

and kill someone if need be

I can tell you that much.


But no,

it wasn't a terrorist at all trying to annihilate us.

It was just two assholes

fighting over how far the seat-back was reclined. Unbelievable right!?

Well once I realized

that they were simply fighting

over this bullshit and not trying to kill us all

I just fuckin' lost it.

Remember now,

just a second ago

I was actually contemplating

the quickest way to take a life
in order to protect us all.


And as a result of that temporary transformation

into John Rambo,

I couldn't come down

from that powerful adrenalin rush fast enough

and I began cursing my head off

at the them both.


“F” bombs quickly overtook

the thickening airspace of the coach.
Oh man it was too funny.

Well it's funny now,

years later from in front

of this stupid computer screen as I type away.
But back then... not so much!


I ordered one of them to go sit in the rear

of the bus and then yelled at the other one

to shut the fuck up

and sit where she was.

And these were grown women mind you.

From a well-to-do neighborhood.

Fuck me dude!


A handful of silly things such as that

have happened over the years.

Mostly just inadvertent verbal assaults

heaved upon
the unsuspected riders really.
(Love that line, dont'choo!?)


Like this one time

when I was pulling into a bus stop.

I looked up into the mirror

and noticed a woman

who was awkwardly making her way

down the center isle of the bus
preparing to disembark.


She was Asian.


So what's the big deal about that you ask?


Well under normal circumstances

it wouldn't be an issue at all.

But, since we're talkin' about Tommy Mondello,

it suddenly became one.


Ugh... listen to this disaster.

Sooo good lololol


Now I have to preface this first

by saying that I hadn't made any connection

whatsoever

about what I said and who she was...

until...

the fucking words were already outta my mouth.


(I fuckin' swear to whomever it is that you pray to

I didn't make the connection! LoL)


Thus causing an explosion of red-faced laughter

to erupt from the entire front half of the coach.

You see,

as the bus was coming to a semi-rough stand still,

I innocently...

and sincerely called out to her...


“You're holdin' onto something right dear?

We're comin' to the stop!

We don't want you to fall and hurt yourself

now do we?!

Use that Kung-Fu grip of yours!”

Now ya gotta know

that in my mind

I was only thinking about one thing,

and one thing only.


And that was of course

GI Joe with the kung-fu grip.

(Remember him?)


Ya know,

able to hold onto things

such as a fucking bus handrail.
(Stop laughing you humps... LoL)


It had absolutely nothing to do whatsoever

with the fact that this chick just happened to be
of the Asian persuasion.

Well,

I heard the laughter erupt immediately and then...

it hit me,

just what the fuck I had said.

And who I had said it too.


I just told an Asian woman

to use her fucking Kung-Fu grip

to hold onto something

for crying out loud.

There wasn't a GI Joe in sight dude,
not a one!


Once it all hit me,

within seconds

I had rivers of laughter-driven tears

barreling down both cheeks.

As did half the fuckin' bus.
Am I an idiot or what!?

YES!


But I was a lucky idiot though.


Because she was a very gracious,

lovely lady who was also laughing herself.

She knew I was only looking out for her safety.

Albeit in a gross, Archie Bunker-like kinda way,

but looking out for her best interest nonetheless.


Some other very silly, lighthearted encounters
came about along the way.

We'll read about those down the road!


Oh wait,

I thought I had a dead body on board

at one point.

That would have been an interesting

development to say the least right.
Nothing lighthearted about that.

He was as rigged as a steel girder

and wouldn't wake for anything.

But after the police and paramedic's

finally rousted him

from his overly stiffened,

bum-like,

drunken,

drug induced near death slumber

and got him to exit the bus,
I went right on with my duties.


So, almost a great story, but not quite.
My silly lighthearted record holds fast.


Probably one of the most ridiculous things

to ever happen to me involving a “bus”

so to speak didn't even occur

while I was driving one.

And I didn't even realize just how ironic

it was until many many years after the fact.

You see,

I recently came across the written test

I had taken to acquire my CDL
(Commercial class 2 (B) Drivers License).


June 2, 1981 was the date atop the test.


Remember,

this was way before the electronic age my friends.

When they actually handed you

a hard copy test to take

at the Department of Motor Vehicles office.

Unlike today where everything
is done on the computer.

I had gotten one question wrong

out of the twenty asked.

Not bad right?

But of course

the question I messed up on

just happened to involve a fucking bus.


Can you believe that shit?
It was a bus question!


And I got it wrong.


I mean there were only 5 bus specific questions

on the entire test and I got one of them wrong!


Too funny.

There it is... look at that date... 1981!
Seems like a lifetime ago.
I got question # 5 wrong.
Nowadays everything is done on the computer, no more hard copy  : (

Well it took me some 24 years

to finally put that CDL to use

and begin my Ralph Kramden career.

But here I am,

literally sitting in the drivers seat

and looking down at that one question I missed.

Too funny!

Ya know,

I've heard so many crazy stories over the years,

from the compelling,

to the down right belly-laughable

from other drivers

that I've decided to compile some of the bedlam

and the craziness right here

within the blog from time to time.


So buckle up,

hold on tight,

and don't even think about pushing

that passenger
“stop signal” button.


Because this 17 ton diesel bitch

is about to take off,

and it ain’t stoppin' for nobody!


But please,

please don't try any of this stuff

you're about to read with your own vehicles,

passengers,

or with any other drivers
on the road.


Yes even that asshole

who's been tailgating you

for the last three miles.


Have no fear,

one of us will most certainly be cutting

that douche bag off for you
at any moment now.


You see,

we cause more than enough chaos

out there on the roadways as is.

So just do yourselves a favor and put away
that middle finger.


Stop yelling your heads off

out that rolled down window,

and just be on your way!

Believe me when I say,

that we have the mayhem

and chaos department

completely covered

and fully staffed

out here on the roadways, thank you!


So without further ado,
lets find out why...


you're driving me crazy!







Click below to go directly to

Part 1

of the Bus Driver Diaries