Friday, August 30, 2013

Penis Envy

Oh hell... here we go again... LoL

Take it easy will ya... this one isn't disgusting at all.
Kinda funny... and well...
MOST humiliating!

Get ready to have a flashback if you're a guy, and well, girls... just sit back and revel in our insecurities for a spell! Lord knows you all need a rest
from your own... LoL
Sorry... but that was both
true AND funny!

See ya's in isle 5...

Penis Envy

Holy CRAP!!

Well... here we go again with yet another embarrassing moment about to seep
from my loose-lipped fingertips.

And then of course it's followed up by a crushing blow to my manly pride and humungous ego.

Wait a minute.
Wait one damn minute here!

Manly pride? Humongous ego?

What the fuck am I talking about?
Who the fuck am I talking about?

It certainly can't be me. I haven't been manly or humongous in like, well, ever!

Because quite frankly as we all know, that stupid pride thing will only get you punched right in the fuckin' face. OUCH! So I avoid it like the plaque.

And as far as having an ego, a humongous one at that, you know as well as I do that there's gotta first be a heaping helping of that silly pride bullshit before any chest-thumping ego could ever possibly see the light of day right?

Any sized ego really.

So there goes my chances of ever being a manly egotistical asshole right down the drain. Darn it. And I really had such high hopes too!

Well okay, the asshole part kinda does sound like me a bit. But only because it has, and probably will again, rear it's ugly crack from time to time.

But c'mon, ya gotta gimme that one. I mean everyone shows a little crack now and then. Everyone!

So okay, there I was, standing in front of the condom section at my local Walmart store.

Yeah I know, who the fuck knew Walmart sold rubbers? And they weren't even
behind the counter!

That's as daring as running with scissors is. Oh man, say that 3 times fast...
scissors is, scissors is, scissors is. LoL

When was the last time any of you actually went to a store to purchase a box of condoms huh?

I still have the one I put in my wallet from my high school daze for crying out loud. You can see the round circular indentation.
Remember that status symbol?

How stupid were we as kids thinking that was a status symbol? Or that it was gonna get us laid?

And we all know how fuckin' long it took me to accomplish that milestone now don't we... :(

And just for the record you a-holes, no, I never did that! Put the condom in my wallet I mean.
Even though I see you sitting their shaking your condescending head's to 'n from.

But I know damn well that some of you have!

Fuck, who needed one, I never got laid in the early daze anyways. I was a late bloomer,
but don't tell anyone okay.
I still can't believe it myself.

So where was I? Oh yeah, condoms.

Can you believe how many different choices you have to choose from nowadays? It's pure insanity I tell you. Way too much pressure.

There's ribbed, not ribbed. Lubricated, not lubricated. For her pleasure, for your pleasure. Glow in the fuckin' dark. And yes
even flavored ones. Unbelievable!

My eyes began to glaze over as I stood there for what seemed to be an eternity. Why couldn't they just sell one kind, that's all.

Brand “X”. And on the side of the box it would read...87% guaranteed to stop your boys before they reach the promised land! Good luck!

Now as I stood there contemplating my big purchase there was so much hustling 'n bustling exploding all around me.

Other shoppers walking by, even running by. Reaching in for products, babies crying, P.A. announcements emanating from the gigantic speaker annoyingly hanging from the ceiling above my now swollen head.

You name it, and it was going on around me. What the fuck? Didn't they realize that I was embarking upon the grandiose second chapter of a brand new life and was about to make the biggest decision AND purchase of said chapter and needed to concentrate?

Will all'a ya's please shut the fuck up already!

So what's the big deal about buying
a box of condoms you ask?

Well, this was happening right after my separation and eventual divorce
from my now ex-wife.

I was about to venture back out into the world
of having sex. Having sex
with strange women that is. Oh boy.

The world of dating was now suddenly right there standing on my very own doorstep. It's a daunting ordeal to deal with after being with
the same person for so long.

Oh, of course unless you're a heartless fuck with zero conscience. Then you'll take to it
like a fish to water.

But I'm not that guy. I was so nervous, anything but confident. And now to make matters worse I would have to deal with fucking rubbers.
Gimme a break will ya!

The only thing I remembered about condoms was getting my fucking pubes caught in them and pulled when I rolled the stupid thing off my junk. I never did feel comfortable with them.

And now here I am, eventually going to be with a brand new girl, in a brand new situation.
So that was the big deal.

On top of nervously reentering the dating world I also had to go to the fucking store and anxiously purchase a box of rubber tubes to catch my semen release, so I didn't impregnate
some strange chick.

Oh isn't that wonderful?

I know I know, it sounds so stupid to me right now to even write that, let alone having you guys read it. All of this silly nervousness I mean.

It's so embarrassing to admit that you're ever nervous or apprehensive, about anything, but fuck it. Because it really was a nightmare to experience standing there in isle 5, intimidated by a bunch of multicolored baby-stopper boxes.

Well it was for me anyways.

Just think about it, I was actually about
to try and get laid again!

GET LAID my friends!
Hallelujah muthafucka!

C'mon, you people gotta know by now that I'm really just a big pussy at heart right? So cut me some slack will ya. We're talkin' sex my friends. Sex with someone other than my fucking self! Wow, too cool.

So now there I was, with all the hustle 'n bustle around me when who comes
and stands right next to me?

Of course it was yet another hot mom and her stupid little kid. Just like the time I was at the doctor's office and had to jerk-off into the cup.

Remember that disaster... LoL??

Only now that horrible dark '70's wall paneling was replaced by bright white insane asylum-like lights and walls.

Sounds so soothing doesn't it?

Hot mom was looking at something on the shelf right next to all the sex stuff that I was gawking over. Ya know, the condoms, the creams, jells, bells, whistles and oh, did I mention those fantastic vibrating rubber cock rings?

Oh how nice for you Tommy, having fantastic vibrating rubber cock rings
right at'chor fuckin' fingertips!

It was another fuckin' Dante's Inferno right there in isle 5 of my local Walmart store. I felt like such a shameful dirty douche-bag of a man.

The very same way I felt when I was a 9/10 year old kid looking at my first Playboy Magazine in the neighborhood drugstore.

Husky Tommy Mondello in his pornstar pants July 1970 camping
Just look at that husky muthafucka will ya!!
There I am... tommy mondello July 1970... I was 9 years old.
Camping with the family and trying to put up the tent.
Just look at those pornstar pants... you just knew I was at the drugstore
stalking those playboy's and Penthouse magazines... LoL

Oh yeah, good times my friend, good times.

It wouldn't had been bad at all if it were just the hot mom next to me without that little brat. Hell, I might have actually had a chance to talk her up and possibly even use that fantastic vibrating rubber cock ring thing on her.

Okay okay, take it easy will ya.

I know as well as you do that even before I finished my come-on line that she would have stopped me mid-sentence. Ripped the ring from my hand and it's package, and jammed it
onto my muthafucking nose.

While at the same time enlightening the entire store of the fact that I was a real dickhead, an actual dickface if you will, and then walk away.

Shit, I'm gonna have nightmares
for days about that vision.

"Is that a fantastic vibrating rubber cock ring on your face or are you just happy to see me?"

C'mon dude... that was funny!

Well believe it or not I finally came to a decision and picked out what I thought
was going to be the perfect choice.

It was a beautiful box, shiny black with crisp clean gold lettering which read Magnum. I was gonna dazzl'em with this box 'o rubbers for sure.

I made my way out of the store without incident and headed on home just as fast
as my car would fly.

Why so fast you ask?

Because I wanted to take one of those bad boys out for a test drive of course! Just like when I tried those “cock pills”
from the Tommy Gun story.

A little dry run ya know to ease the anxiety of rolling a fucking rubber tube onto my blood-filled penis just seconds before
I was gonna fuck some strange!

OMG, I'm so, so sorry for that.
Fuck some strange??

Am I outta my mind or what saying it like that in front of you guys? So sorry!

What I meant to say was...
before I was gonna fuuuuuuuuck some strange!

Oh yeaaah!

After all, I didn't wanna look like a spaz in front of said strange, now did I? Of course not dude!

And now we come to the crushing and dismantling of that manly pride and humongous ego I was talking about earlier.


Okay, I had the box in my hand, and carefully peeled back the lid to reveal those
cum catching baby stoppers.

Now this box was the same size as the other boxes on the shelf, but those boxes all held 12 CCBS's, an even dozen. But it didn't look as though there were a dozen in my box.

Mmmmm that's weird?

Maybe they screwed up
at the packing plant or something?

I pulled them out and only counted six.
Only a half dozen. Could it be
that they were constructed of only
the world's best CCBS material available, costing twice as much to manufacture?

Yeah.......................... that must be it!
((Oh man... what loser LoL))

Well I detached one from the rest and placed it in my hand. I then went over to the computer to visit my favorite porn site to get revved up a bit before the unwrapping.

And being that I hadn't had sex, with another person that is, in a while, my junk was at full attention with the mere thought of my favorite girl on girl Asian babygirl's.

In just one click, my girl's did the trick and I was ready to unroll that CCBS onto my dick!

(Listen to that rhyme muthafucka... awesome!)

And so I tore open the package and pulled it out. But something didn't look right?

And it was at that point in which I heard it.

I actually heard a tremendously loud hissing sound emanating from very close by.
What the hell could that be?

I'll tell ya what it was, it was all the hot air rushing outta my imagined manly pride and humungous ego...
... that's what it was muthafucka!

It was like the fucking Hindenburg going down in Lakehurst, New Jersey all over again.

Oh the humanity!

Next, I went to place the CCBS on my junk...
but it was too big.

Oh my goodness I can't believe I just wrote those fucking words... LoL

No moron, not my dick, the fuckin condom!
The fuckin' condom... was tooooo big!
I just wanna cry... even now! LoL

I could have of fit THREE of my cock's inside that cavernous rubber tube.
What the fuck man!!

It's gotta be some kind of manufacturing mishap... right? Right?
Please just say yes!!!

My only thought was...
"Fuck this, I'm going back
to isle 5 and get my money back."

Oh man, could you imagine if I actually returned to the scene of the crime????

Excuse me, but I want my money back please. These things are too big for my cock!

Oh boy, thank goodness I thought through the repercussions that might have sent back
my way before I did it huh?

I was so upset. This thing could have fit over my friggin' head for crying out loud.
My other head you silly!

And then to add insult to injury, I went ahead and unrolled it...
and unrolled it...
and unrolled it...
and unrolled it...

who on earth has a cock
THIS fuckin' big???

The loud hissing, the disgust, the pure penis envy just took over the entire room. The humiliation of holding this freakishly gigantic muthafucking CCBS next to my now frightened-to-death and scared baby pee-pee penis
was just so devastating!

My cock didn't get hard again for another week!

Especially after realizing that it wasn't a manufacturing mishap at all. That they actually were made to be this fucking big.

Even my lovable Asian babygirl's couldn't get my pee-pee to come out and play. The poor boy was in shock to say the least.

You would not believe the fuckin' size of this thing man. I've seen a'lotta porn and tons of big junk bangin' the shit outta chicks, but I've never seen anything that could fill up this muthafucka!

I actually slid my arm into it,

You muthafucka you, it fit!

I just wanted to punch somebody
in the fuckin' face at that point!

I walked back over to the box to read it again, and sure enough, there it was in gold and black. 

Extra Large

Not even “Large” mind you!
No these things were “EXTRA Large!”

How the fuck I missed that I'll never know.
I blame Hot Mom
for breaking my concentration! LoL

But that slip up caused me and Mr. Pee-Pee a weeks' worth of trauma I can tell ya... LoL

Oh the horror of it all.

Penis envy is a devastating emotional kick in the ass I gotta tell ya. I laugh about it now, but at that very moment of realizing that my junk was like a pinky finger next to the dude who could fill that thing just numbed my mind.

If you're a normal sized dude like myself, take my advice, and stay away from ANYTHING labeled Magnum!

Just stay far far away my friend...

Hey you big-dicked assholes,
on behalf of all of us normal muthafucka's...
go fuck yourselves... LoL

Thankyou... goodnight!