Saturday, November 15, 2014

You're Driving Me Crazy... The Bus Driver Diaries... Part 1


Just in case if you wanna read the

Bus Driver Diaries Introduction
first before you get to Part 1

Part 1

This happened to me a few years back.

I was working a trip that originated

from the Port Authority building
in Manhattan, New York City, and traveled express down the
Garden State Parkway to exit 82
and the Toms River Bus Terminal
in New Jersey.

It was a Wednesday.

And what do you get when you combine
New York City and Wednesday?

That's right folks...

Broadway matinee day!

Every fucking Wednesday was an adventure lemme tell ya. It's the day that the retired suburbanites clip their coupons and put on their "Wednesday Best" for a day on the town!

As usual, the bus filled with both the hardcore commuter crowd, who wanted nothing more than for the bus to leave the station,
roll those wheels, and have their
over-worked eyes close for a nice
numbing nap on the ride home.

Along with those wacky, loud, bristling,
over-intoxicated retirees who wanted
anything but... a nice numbing nap!

It was the perfect storm for trouble!
Every Wednesday
this storm was a brewin' aboard my bus!

Okay, so by now we've finally pulled out of the
Port Authority, rolled through the Lincoln Tunnel, left the New Jersey Turnpike behind
at the one and only exit 11,
and have begun the long journey down the
Garden State Parkway towards Toms River.

The parkway is always a challenge for us... LoL
I've had to stop and pull over 3 maybe 4 times throughout the years because of a drunk dude who needed to pee.

I'd pull the bus over, they'd jump off
and stumble their way up towards
the higher brush and let it fly.

And then of course when they climbed back on the bus they would always greet me with an
"I love you dude" and then extend their hand
for me to shake... LoL

I'd crack up right in their gigantic,
well-grained iron-worker face and say...

"Get the hell outta here you crazy bastard
I'm not gonna shake your filthy hand!

Just go sit down so we can get goin'.
And please do me a favor...
don't beat up on anybody
back their either ok!

Love you too dude!"

The other passengers fully understood my dilemma of stopping or not but, they were truly appreciative and thankful for my stopping. Because they also knew the potential damage these gigantic drunken muthafucka's could cause if not handled with kid gloves.

But I digress...

So... here we were, bangin' 70 mph,
Parkway South,
bus STILL bustling with loud
boisterous vibrations until...

 "Would you all PLEASE
just shut the hell up back there!!!"

The entire bus went silent.
Not a single peep emanated from a single biddy.
They were temporarily stunned by the outburst.

That silence lasted exactly 3 seconds... LoL

The group of about 10 old biddies pretty much ignored that frantic command/plea.
And went right back to the bustling boisterous behavior of recounting the drunken days events
as if nothing at all was said to them!

And oh, just to let you know, that the jocular bustling biddies were sitting about
halfway down the isle of the bus
while the upset committed commuter
was sitting right behind... me!

Right behind the thick plastic

driver seat divider.

Another 5 minutes goes by

as the boisterous behavior bellowed on
and I can now hear the rumblings of yet another eruption behind me about to explode
and fill the bus with a second round
of volcanic ash.

And bang...

"Jesus Christ...
Shut the hell up!"

And then, all hell broke loose!
Total chaos!

A verbal barrage of unfiltered profanity
quickly consumed the entire bus
that made the Gulf War seem like child's play!

Now mind you, I'm still jammin'

down the Parkway at 70 mph
as the sun had already
given way to the pitch.
Which automatically ups the anti
for shit to happen out on the road.
So something had to be done as my concentration was now being sucked dry
by the dysfunction living out behind me.

I let the war rage on for maybe

another minute or 2 before I'd finally
had enough of the bullshit,
and broke my silence
when there was a momentary lull
on the battlefield.

"Okay okay back there.

C'mon now...
we all have to work together
so we can get home in one piece.

How about alittle tolerance from both sides.

C'mon, let's just settle down
and work it out in a neighborly way!"

Now that wasn't too bad right?
I mean I didn't go off on them
or anything heavy handed.

Again... the bus went silent.

rising from the depths
of that heated volcanic ash...
the leader of the drunken biddy's brigade
broke the silence with her
alcohol-riddled breath...

"Are ya done!?!?

Now shut'chor mouth
and drive the bus!!!"

Can you believe what the fuck you just read... LoL




I was a fuckin' comic strip
come to life
sitting in that drivers seat
as we barreled down the road.
What I felt like after the biddy assault upon me... LoL




Even the knucklehead
who set the wheels in motion
to this melodrama sitting behind me
knew it was bad.

Suddenly I saw his head pop out from around the divider with the look of utter surprise...
and quite frankly... freight! LoL

"Oh man, dude, that was fuckin' brutal!

Please just stay calm.
Don't do anything crazy.
I'm sorry, I'm so sorry man!

I won't say another word dude.
Please just keep your head in the game
and get us home in one piece okay... please!

I promise I won't say another fuckin' word!

Oh man though... dude...
that was fuckin' brutal... hahahaha!!"

Too fuckin' funny!

The retard who started the whole thing
was now pleading with me...
and my steam...
to keep it together
and not to punch that intoxicated
old fuck in the face... LoL

You just can't make this shit up!

The bus was dead silent as the passengers disembarked at the T. River Terminal.

Of course life rolled on...

I just got fuckin' verbally bitch slapped
by the muthafuckin' bride
of the muthafuckin'

The Cryptkeeper... Husband of the drunken old biddy who verbally bitch slapped me!
Drunken old biddy who verbally bitch slapped me... LoL

You muthafucka you!

I don't give a flying fuck
if they're murdering one another behind me!
Just as long as none of the bullets hit me...
have at it jerkoff's!

I get paid to drive the bus...
and not to be a fucking babysitter!!


All Aboard!