Saturday, April 25, 2015

What the fuck... dude!!??

This one could also be entitled...

"Something you should never do!!"

... and be listed as a
Public Service Announcement... LoL

And what is that thing you should'nt do??
That would be walk up on someone from behind without giving them some sort of warning...
that's what!!!

Sounds so innocent and really,
such an unimportant factoid right??

Well, I found out that it wasn't so innocent...
or unimportant!!

I usually do give some sort of signal that I'm coming up from behind, whether walking, running, or even when I'm on my bike. But this one time, for some reason I just didn't... and...
it almost cost me my fuckin' life!

I was working in Manhattan at the time. I'd usually drive the company car into the city and park towards the water on either side of the island and then walk inwards. It was just easier than dealing with the traffic.

Well this particular day began like most. I parked the car on the west side of town on my way to a service call somewhere within the theater district.

So I grabbed some test equipment, spare parts, and my tool bag and began walking.

I'd say I was carrying close to 50 pounds of "stuff". Both hands were full and I had spare parts under both arms.

Well as I was walking, with my mind completely immersed within the service call I was heading to, I came upon 3 guys in front of me moving at a slow pace. And of course they were strolling
side by side, blocking my way.

Well, as I got about 4 or 5 feet away from them, the guy in the middle suddenly stopped, and in one motion turned and lifted his arm, and pointed a fucking gun right at my face!

Mutha of fuck I shit you not!!

I was about a foot and a half away from the barrel when I finally came to a stop. It was close enough to see the bullets in the revolver chambers!

That's pretty much what I saw... LoL... holy shit!!

The only thing I could say in my stunned state was...

"What the fuck... dude!!??"

The asshole didn't say a word. By now the other 2 knuckleheads had turned towards me as well. We stood there for about 3 or 4
never ending seconds in dead silence.

Then, in disgust, and yes okay, fear...
I just said... "fuck"...
and crossed the street to continue my journey.

I heard the 3 of them begin laughing a bit as I walked away... douche bags!

Obviously these dickheads were no
stranger's to the nefarious goings on
out here in the big city.

So hearing my
simpleton, goober-like, completely unaware
of the harsh realities of life footsteps
from behind triggered his street survival
instinct to point and... almost... shoot! 

It didn't hit me until a few blocks away just how close I came to being fuckin' killed! Good thing I had my hands full and wasn't a threat! If my hands were free that a-hole just might have
shot me!

So... the moral to the story here is...

... never ever walk up on ANYBODY!!!
Always give them some sort of signal
from maybe 20 feet away.

This has been a Public Service Announcement from your friendly
neighborhood knucklehead...
now back to our regularly scheduled programming... LoL

Sunday, April 19, 2015

No Way That Just Happened

No Way That Just Happened

Have you ever found yourself whispering, to yourself, or perhaps even shouting out loud...

No way that just happened

... after you've witnessed, or were involved in something funny, violent, silly or even sad?

I bet you have.

I bet every single person alive has uttered those words in total disbelief at least one time
in their lives.

Surely something in your life has had to have happened that amazed, disgusted, or really just simply caught you by total surprise and made your emotions ignite and bristle.

Enough to utter those words.

And it really didn't have to be a life changing event either. Even the most unobtrusive, mundane happenings could send us reeling
if they occur without warning
and catch us off guard right?

I know there have been certain events in my life that were meaningless and unimportant to the masses perched upon the world stage, but to me, well they just made me stop and say it.
I had... to say it!

And yeah of course, it goes without saying,
that there have even been a few occurrences
that deserved a rousing...

No FUCKIN' way that just happened

Yeah, now there's a stretch, me droppin' another “F” bomb. Man, I love that word, but have I even heard... of a Thesaurus? LoL

But on the other hand I've also found that sometimes I didn't actually feel it right then and there as it was happening. But rather days, or even years down the road I found that that snapshot remained anchored within my memory banks for some reason, still alive and breathing.

And it was only right then and there, days or years after the fact, that it finally hit me to how neat, how cool, or even how horrible
the event actually was.

Without rhyme or reason, no matter how big or small it was, those ticks of time just wouldn't fade away into the endless well of forgotten ticks. And to this day, they pop up every now and then just to say hi, and when they do, that's right, I say those 5 magical words.
Crazy right?


Does this happen to any of you out there??
Mmmm... I wonder?

I wonder why certain events stick, as minute as they are, while others are lost and forever forgotten down the well the very second
they occur.

And not all of them have to happen to you yourself either. The snapshots can be of others' accomplishments while you enthusiastically cheer from afar as well.

Like say when your favorite sports team pulls out an unlikely victory. I still have NWTJH'd moments with the Rangers, Mets and Giants!

C'mon, I can't be the only one
that this happens to, can I?

There's no way you didn't have a
"not happening to you" snapshot the day Princess Diana passed away
in that horrible car crash?

You know you remember, even if you weren't interested in her at all, exactly where you were the moment that "Breaking News" hit the airwaves! And... I bet you also recall
hearing yourself saying... NWTJH!

And I also bet that the mere mention of that heart-wrenching event sends you right back... right back to that very spot where you were, when you first heard the news!

Now while you're reading, go ahead and try to remember a couple of those moments from your own past that affected you in this same manner, or were just too goddamn funny to ever forget.

No matter how relative or not they were
to your emotional well-being.

It's almost impossible not to think of at least one or two of them right?

Really, stop reading and take a moment and relive a few amazing snapshots.

Do the funny one's still seem funny and make you laugh 'til the chocolate milk
squirts from your nostrils?

How about those scary, dangerous ones,
still cause you to cringe?

Do you still wonder how the hell you didn't get hurt, or even killed in some of them?

Once you allow any of those moments to awaken, it's like opening up the flood gates, so be on the lookout for a rush of memories to pour into your conscientiousness, overflowing the walls
of that well.

It's a pretty neat feeling when that water level rises isn't it?

Emotions, man,
muthafuckin' emotions! Cool!

Up down, good bad, they are without a doubt
the fuel that drives our lives!

Just make sure you tame those down beat ones, and convert that anger, sadness or destruction into a purely positive powerful propellant that will push your life forward towards fulfillment and happiness, got that!

For instance don't allow a violent snapshot, whether witnessed or one you were involved in, cause you to feel guilt or a cowering fear.

You can transform any snapshot you want, however painful, into that powerful propellant
of life.

Get it through your thick skull that the past is just that, the past. You can't change it, you can't change a fucking thing about it can you?

No of course you can't.
But, you better, no you must learn from it and when possible even fix what was metaphorically broken. Never be afraid to go toe-to-toe and confront your past mistakes.

Don't wanna listen to me?
Then listen to Eleanor Roosevelt...

"You gain strength,
courage and confidence
by every experience
in which you really stop
to look fear in the face!

You must do the thing
which you think
you cannot do!!"

Pretty awesome right!

Okay, okay sorry 'bout that.

I went off topic there for a bit,
but I'm back.

Now look, I know there are some pretty nutty people out there who could probably fill an entire book with just this one topic of memorable snapshots in time, let alone one blog entry.

For one reason or another your entire life has been like a gigantic magnet attracting incredibly profound ticks of time whether welcomed or not.

Somehow they always found you didn't they?

It really must be exhausting at times
being you I bet?

Well I have nowhere near that amount of magnetic allure, if any, profound or not, to attract such exciting mind-bending moments.

And so I'm just going to share this one gigantically horrifyingly funny muthafucking episode with you. Because quite frankly, I'm going to be physically exhausted by the time the last key is struck... LoL

This ridiculous happening was just so disgusting and awesome... all at the same time that I just really have to share it with you guys.

Do you remember the WWF?

That's right, the World Wrestling Federation. Well, that entity is still going strong, only it goes by a different title these days.

The WWF now goes by the name of the WWE... World Wrestling Entertainment.

They had to change the name because they were sued by some other company with the same call letters of WWF or something.

Anyway, for a few years my ex-wife and I, along with the in-laws and nephews were really into watching the matches on TV, and even
the pay-per-view matches.

It was really such memorable entertainment! Scripted for sure, but still so amazing to watch those gigantic muscle-bound maniacs make it all look so easy... and real!

One day my ex and I decided to take our nephew, who was into it the most, to his first live match at what used to be the Continental Airlines Arena in the Meadowlands next to Giants stadium.

The Continental Airlines Arena, New Jersey

We let him pick where we were going to grab some dinner before hand, and of course he wanted to go to McDonald's, like every other kid his age would have done.

And so we wolfed down a big 'ole cholesterol laden meal while sitting at one of the outside tables at the McDonald's right behind our old hangout bar on Forest Ave... The Orchard Inn. And yeah, it tasted great!

Forest Ave on left, the old Orchard Inn bar and Mickey D's behind it. We sat at the tables right by those cars.

C'mon, Mickey D's is pretty awesome,
no matter how bad it is for you, right!

Well, we made it to the arena and to our seats, which were maybe around 15 rows from the ring, with plenty of time to spare.

And then, I'd say within 5 minutes of sitting
I felt the first rumblings.

At minute 7,
I was in a full out sprint back up the stairs towards the nearest bathroom... LoL

Oh my goodness, I'm getting sick to my stomach just thinking about this.

By minute 8,

I had my pants down around my ankles, both palms firmly pressed against the stall side walls, and my low hanging nut sack was tea-bagging the disgusting brown, french-fried toilet water.

While guys outside the stall peeing at the urinals were howling in disbelief of just how something could offend the senses as much as what was exiting from my now red raw asshole.

Buckets of sweat
were dropping from me onto the floor.

By minute 28,
I was about to pass out and fucking die.

By minute 40,
I regained my composure from what was surely some sort of food poisoning.

Lifted my contaminated nut sack from the poisonous stew, flushed one last time, zipped up, washed, and ran straight for the nearest
security person.

I explained what was going on, and that I needed some help, fast, and what did this dick do?

He grabbed the walkie-talkie mic that was clipped to his bright shiny dick-yellow security guard jacket at shoulder height, pressed down the transmit button, and said this...

Medical assistance needed by section whatever. We have a diarrhea problem”.

Dont'cha just wanna punch his fuckin' face right off his fat fuckin' head with me right now?

Three times!
He transmitted that message 3 times over the airwaves. Thank goodness I was so dehydrated at this point that I really didn't even care.

Now as he's repeating this request, I can hear it echoing from every other yellow jacket wearing dickhead guards walkie-talkie around us.

Which meant that every fucking loser rent-a-cop in the building knew I had the shits!

Oh will the fucking humiliation
ever fucking end???

Finally, a medic showed up, and we quickly walked over to a nearby elevator. He was taking me to see the on call nurse. I felt like I was back in grammar school, too funny.

Anyway, as the old lady elevator operator, wearing the dirty ragged bedroom slippers, pushed a button on the side panel, the medic turned to me and said something strange.
He said...

When we get to our floor, make sure you stay right behind me and don't talk to anyone.
Got it?”. Anyone!"

I just thought to myself that this was some pretty fucking dramatic instruction's just for a visit to the nurses station.

Well, the 'vator stopped, the doors opened,
we walked out, and were suddenly
smack dab in the middle of them all!


The fucking wrestlers that's who man!
All of them were right there not more than
3 feet from us.
And the entire brigade of superstar wrestlers were 3 fucking feet away from us... all of them.
And they were fucking huge!

Suddenly I forgot all about my red raw throbbing asshole as we slowly made our way through the mountainous steroid using flesh-filled room.

It was just way too cool.

These guys were like the Pete Townshend's,
Roger Daltrey's and Ozzy Osbourne's of wrestlers to me at the time. Fucking huge!

We were now back down at ring level, only feet away from where they entered the arena.
Just too surreal it was.

Some were talking in small groups, others seemed to be choreographing certain moves with one another, it was a wrestling fan's wet dream come true.

It was like pulling back the curtain on the Wizard of Oz! Only these guys didn't use smoke and mirrors to scare the crap outta people.
Too cool.

And as we were about half way through the mass of flesh and muscle, the medic turns back to me with the biggest, goofiest, childlike grin
on his face and says...

How Fuckin' cool is this dude?

It really was too cool I have to admit.

Well we finally made it to the nurses station, where I was asked to sign something, and then given a pill. And that was it. She sent me on my way. And that fuckin' pill must have been made of fucking cork! Because I didn't take another shit for several weeks after that... LoL

On my way back, I was instructed to go the long way around instead of getting to walk by the guys again... bummer!

But still, I got to hangout with the biggest names in pro wrestling. Well okay, not exactly hangout with per se... more like gingerly sauntered by them with one hand on my tattered red raw asshole and the other hand trying to close my over-excited wide opened, disbelieving
slack jaw... LoL

I finally made it back to my seat and explained what had just happened, and at that point,

it had officially become a
No Way That Just Happened

And well, ya know what?
You guys get the bonus story.

I know I said that I was only going to tell just one NWTJH'd story, but I have to share this quick one with you guys.

This ridiculously funny and again, most disgusting, thing happened a while back, but I still find myself laughing about it to this very day.

My friend and I went to go see a concert. It was Ted Nugent, Deep Purple and Lynyrd Skynyrd at the Garden State Arts Center here in New Jersey. These days it's known as the PNC Arts Center.

We had awesome seats, third row center,
right up by the stage.

Well during one of the more popular Lynyrd Skynyrd songs, as the crowd behind us was creeping ever closer towards the stage, causing a kinda controlled chaos, I began to feel a vibration in my right leg.

At first I thought maybe I was having a fucking stroke, but no, it wasn't that. LoL

The sensation continued though
and so I looked down.

And what the fuck did I see?

A huge yellow stream of urine landing directly onto my right sneaker.

What the fuck?! was my only thought.

I followed the teeming steaming stream in search of it's source, which turned out to be
my friends dick! LoLoLoLoLoL

Oh man I'm cracking up right now.

Crap, you just had to witness the scene.
Both his hands were up in the air over his head cheering. He had a big 'ole drunken smile plastered across his mug, and he was pissing on my fucking foot all at the same time as if he were filling up a fuckin' trough. LoL

I'm tellin' ya man, you couldn't make this shit up. We were actually both really wasted drunk at that show, but I somehow managed to keep my dick behind it's zipper.

It was truly an unforgettably funny moment.
And of course I said the magic words!
Too funny.

C'mon... you know bathroom humor
never gets old! So stop your belly-aching
and laugh already...
it's okay, I won't tell anyone you did!