Monday, June 3, 2013

Tommy Gun

This story here came about in my mid 40's and was post divorce. I rented out an apartment above a bar called The Roadhouse right on route 35 in South Amboy,
New Jersey.

It was a standalone building and
the apartment was
completely renovated.
Pretty awesome really!

Well, this one night I absolutely lost my mind... and entered into an auto-erotic dream, or nightmare... I'm still not sure
at this point LoL

But ya know what??

It's just too disgusting AND ridiculously funny NOT to share with you guys!

And just in case, lemme get my "good-bye's" in now, because I'm sure I'm going to lose a few of you after this one... LoL
I hope not though.

Cheers... tommy

Tommy Gun

Okay look, this one is gonna be downright disgusting, but funny!

And I don’t give a shit if you think I'm an idiot, time waster or even a loser for that matter.

Because I'm sure that even the worlds most renowned risk-takers, explorer's and innovator's all faced their fair share of ridicule while blazing a trail towards fame and glory. And so I too welcome the insults, putdowns and jeers heaved my way as I forge headlong into the depths...
of the wondrous unknown!

So, if you don't think that the consumption of way too many male enhancement pills awash in Coor's Light beer on a dateless Saturday night, accompanied by the hottest girl on girl Asian porn isn't worthy of at least some climactic hands-on research, then you my friend have stumbled upon yet another wrong alleyway.
I'm not jokin' dude.

Just go ahead and click on another post you lightweight, and step aside whilst the rest of us thrill-seeking horny bastards take that death-defying leap forward and join the ranks of history's most iconic trail blazers!

C'mon, you're an adult. Ya hav'ta believe that what you're about to read is just another aspect of being human, right? Albeit a drug induced, disgusting, alcohol-laced and well, quite frankly, degrading aspect, but still human nonetheless!

And there's not a man nor woman amongst us that could ever deny, with a straight face that is, that they themselves haven't succumb to that most glorious of all activities... masturbation!

That's right, I said it... m-a-s-t-e-r-b-a-t-i-o-n! In one way or another, we are ALL guilty of it. And yes ladies, the pulsating massage
shower head counts!

Now, if you still don't believe that listening to a grown man talk about such silliness is one of the funniest fucking things you've ever heard in your life, well then I guess I'll just have to reconsider writing this story. NOT!

Because you know as well as I do that absolutely NO good whatsoever could ever possibly come from such a ridiculous scenario, right?

I mean just read these words out loud to yourself... cock pills, beer, and Asian porn. It's the Triple fuckin' Crown of sexual research
for crying out loud!

Especially when said research takes an awful turn for the worst at climax. Thus leaving only one result, which of course would be
muscle cramps, temporary blindness
and uncontrollable belly laughing!

Well okay that was three,
but you know what I mean?
Anyway, you've been warned!!

So let's see, where to begin? Well first off lemme just say to all of you would-be wankers, both male and female, that these types of activities should always be left to the professionals, and are not to be taken lightly, or into
your own hands for that matter!

Hey wait...into your own hands”...
c'mon that was pretty funny!

Okay... it all began like so many other failed attempts have in my silly past, and that would be of course with late night television infomercials. Oh my goodness I'm such an idiot.

I've been taken in by these ridiculously slick running promotions for more years than I care to disclose. This one particular product promised to extend and enlarge your pecker while enraging whatever lackluster sex drive you had left
to beast-like levels.

In a nutshell, it would magically transform your lower haunches into a lean, mean, long-lasting pornstar fucking machine. Now what guy doesn't want a freakin' pornstar wiener right?

And, so, one night there I was sitting on the edge of the bed being hypnotized by all of these outrageous claims and completely oblivious to every attempt made by my common sense
to change the channel.

Instead, I sat there, untied the string on my sweatpants, and slowly pinched them away from my chubbiness. I glanced down at him, then back up towards the pornstar penis propaganda, then back down at him.

And then without hesitation murmured the most devilish sigh ever known to man, followed by a very inquisitive “Mmmmmmmmm... what if?”

I whipped out the credit card right then and there, and four days later I was ready to follow in the footsteps of sheer genius and absolute courage; Edison, Bell, Franklin, Magellan, Columbus, and of course my two favorite celluloid heroes of all, Indiana Jones
and John McClane!

They all helped to change the world in one way or another with their innovative minds, fearless exploratory souls, boundless courage and total disregard for their own safety.

And now you can add the name Tommy Mondello to that glorious list of risk-takers!
Oh be quiet, will ya?

My apartment above The Roadhouse Bar & Grill Route 35 South Amboy New Jersey
The scene of the crime! This is the Roadhouse bar & grill on route 35 south in South Amboy, NJ just south of the Driscoll Bridge. Those stairs to the right lead up to the apartment door.  I don't seem to have any photo's
of the inside though.

When the pills arrived I was so tempted to blindly begin my exploration within the ancient misunderstood world of aphrodisiacs and quickly search out a partner.

But I unexpectedly stumbled upon the very last ounce of common sense still coursing through my being, and decided that it would be a good idea to take them out for a solo test drive first.

Ya know, just to see how I reacted to them. After all, who the hell knew where these things came from or what the hell they were made of? I didn't wanna be on a date and have my dick suddenly begin to glow green and scare the crap
outta my date.

But wait!

What if she turned out to be that one weird chick on the block who loved to slurp down the lime green jello? Nah, never happen man,
not with my luck!

So I opted for the test run. And thus the stage was set, on this dateless Saturday night, to courageously embark upon my quest to achieve the prized triple X status.

Move over you big-dicked, paid-for-hire fuckers, there's still time to run,
'cause here cums Tommy gun!

I cracked open the bottle and poured six tablets into my palm. Now even though the directions called for taking two, I decided that
six was the way to go.

Ha, directions? Who needs'em!

We don't need no stinkin' directions. Oh my goodness just witness the stupidity unfolding right before your eyes people!

Without hesitation I jammed all six pills into my mouth then flushed them down with 12 ounces of the Rocky Mountains’ best, and waited.

One minute, two, three, ten... nothing. Of course my very first thought was that I had just been ripped off by some asshole
and his fancy infomercial.

I mean by this time I'd gotten myself so jacked up and had pretty much convinced my mind that I was about to undergo
a Jekyll and Hyde transformation.

I know I know, I'm such a fuckin' simpleton. Richie Cunningham and Potsie laugh at me for goodness sake. As you can plainly see, my expectations for these things
were way over blown.

My next thought was of course that maybe a bit more alcohol would speed along the process. And so I wolfed down a few more beers
but still nothing!

To be honest, I even think my fuckin' cock got smaller at this point. Can you believe it? What if I ended up with a friggin' pussy between my legs by night’s end instead of the massive tool
I was hoping for?

Good grief, what if they mislabeled the bottle and sent me the pleasured pussy pills by mistake! Say it ain't so, master of all cock pills,
say it ain’t so!

Well at least one good thing would come from such a bungle. Finally, after being told to “go fuck myself” so often throughout life by so many loving members of society, I’d actually be able to accomplish this feat properly now that I’d have the right equipment; My very own pussy.

After all, if one was to attempt to fuck one's self, the arsehole just wouldn't cut the mustard. So now I would be ready for action the next time I was instructed to go and do you know what, and utilize my brand new, out of the bottle, pussy.
Oh... lucky me.

Enter, the fixer! Which would be of course my favorite, silky smooth, adorable, foot-licking, girl-on-girl Asian pornstars.

Voted on and approved by 4 out of 5 guys worldwide, and shown to have outstanding results in the stiffening of certain glandular extremities, this was truly a grand way to take my floundering mind off of the fact that this $75 investment was quickly going up in smoke.

Suddenly, about twenty minutes into watching my lovable ladies, I began to feel flush. My entire body was heating up. My heart rate began to quicken. I thought...
“Shit this is it! Here comes Mr. Hyde!

"Either my cock is gonna start to grow now, or I'm about to have a fuckin' heart attack.

That's how fast things began to progress. It was pretty dramatic. I got a bit nervous and so what did I do? That's right, ran to refrigerator for another beer. Hey man, gotta calm
those nerves somehow right?

By the time I had finished that last beer I was fuckin' buzzed big time. The girls were still going at it, my body was tingling and electrified while my cock became as hard as a steel girder,
I shit you not.

So much for the pussy pills I guess. It wasn't any bigger or fatter or anything like that but absolutely raging and bursting at the seams! I felt beastly, in a good way!

And between the beers, the pills and the porn, I was flying so high and feeling so F'ing horny. But lemme tell ya dude, it was entirely
all downhill from there.

The time arrived. It seems that I took to the pills like a whore to money and was completely satisfied my junk wouldn't turn green in front of a date. And now, I needed some sex
and I needed it ASAP!

But should I defile my long time friend and sexual wing man, with a well traveled, comfortable Mrs. Right Hand? Or perhaps lean towards the road less traveled with a seductive stranger and have a go at it with Mrs. Left?

Uuuumm, well considering I was already stepping out into the dark unknown, a well traveled, predictable path just didn't seem to fit the bill. And so I opted for the awkwardly strange feeling and seldomly used, left hand!

Oh man that just sounded so disgusting, and just wrong on so many levels didn't it? What am I, fuckin' 15 again? Why didn't I just call a hooker? Man, am I a douche or what?

Anyway, I remained with my very own opposite-handed stranger and left the hooker to float in my thoughts. At first I began with some ordinary stroking, nothing over the top. After all we were still getting to know one another.

Short of having a date or that hooker beside me at this point, things just couldn't have been any better, lying there with a fist full of steel flesh while watching those delicious tasty toes disappearing into a milky moistened mouth
on the screen.

But all that changed on my next beer run to the fridge. Why you ask?

Because I accidentally grazed my pecker on the fridge door as I swung it open, and lemme tell ya my friends, it felt marvelous!

So even without thinking, I did it again, but only on purpose this time. Can you see a pattern about to develop here folks?
Oh man it's so embarrassing.

I felt so off the hook horny by now, that I proceeded to rub, hump, fuck, poke, and disrespect every single object in that apartment.

Oh my goodness I'm a fuckin' retard! I was actually having uncensored sex, with my apartment... literally!

Why didn't I just call that stupid hooker, just jerked off like every other normal red-blooded American, or called my fucking psychiatrist for the matter? Any one of those choices would have been better than fucking my apartment
for goodness sake.

Well it was about at this point that I began to rethink taking six pills instead of two. Damn those directions. What the fuck kinda mojo were these things made out of anyway?

Now just picture this mayhem going on here. I'm bouncing around the apartment with a Coor's Light in one hand and my pulsating piston in the other while laughing my head off.

I was completely nude, rubbing up against anything I could come in contact with and humping the shit out of it. And lemme tell ya people, I can barely get myself to look at the fuckin' monitor as I'm typing this out. Humiliation knows no bounds!

From the doorknobs to the corner of every wall, to the gap between the couch cushions; if my cock could reach it, I would breach it!

Nothing in that apartment was safe. I couldn't hump the couch or pound my pudd hard enough to satisfy my insane, drunken,
drug-induced craving.

These fucking pills were pure evil I tell you, pure muthafucking evil. I should have checked the label. I bet there was a picture of Beelzebub himself staring back at me with flames firing from his devil pitchfork and more flames roaring from his devil cock.

Shit, I might've taken seven pills instead of just the six if I saw a cool picture like that
on the bottle!

Well without even realizing it, I found myself back on the bed, pillows wedged up against the wall, leaning back swiggin' suds, drooling over Asian sweetness, while grindin' my flesh girder, when it happened.

After relentlessly defiling myself , and my apartment, for the last three hours, that's right I said three hours, it hit me like a ton of fucking bricks man. The signal!

That moment your body flicks the internal switch warning you that there's no way of stopping the train from leaving the station.
Orgasm was imminent!

Suddenly I felt an eruption of massive proportion building. This made me grind my rigid girder even more ferociously. I was crying, moaning, and laughing all at the same time.

Add to that an underlying sense of fear. Because to be honest, I really didn't know just what the fuck was about to happen. Just what the fuck was about to come outta me?

You couldn't believe the way it felt
right before take off.

For a second there I felt as though I was about to give birth. And give birth I did; to the largest muthaf'ing orgasm that has ever had the privilege of exiting the penis of a relatively sane human being. The floodgates, my friend,
had been opened. Bang!

I came so fucking hard. The first wad went straight up into the air and almost hit the ceiling, I shit you not. And this just amazed
the hell outta me.

Then without realizing it I had inadvertently pointed the pistol back towards my head.

When suddenly the second shot of many rang out and propelled the demon seed splattering into the wall about twelve inches above my melon, I just began cracking up hysterically because I had absolutely no control whatsoever over this ridiculous scene being played out.

Now don't forget that everything I'm describing here and about to describe all happened so fast. Bang bang bang! The feeling hit and then unfolded in like a minute or so. And there was really no way to turn it off even if I wanted to.

At this point I was cracking up so hard with laughter, my cannon continued to assault the wall above me. Wad after impressive hi-speed wad; it was hypnotizing to witness.

For those few moments I really was a triple X pornstar. I was a rapid fire machine gun hurling projectiles outward with bazooka-like force. A Tommy gun if you will, thank you.

But then without any time to react, amid my self admiration, I took a direct hit. Oh my goodness it's so disgusting dude.

I just didn't have the wherewithal to point the gun away from myself and I took a direct shot to the left eye... LoL A huge gob of yuck
slimmed my entire socket.

I'm tellin' ya, each wad that left the chamber was like a fucking wheel-barrel full'a melted Velveeta cheese for goodness sake.

Thick 'n gooey. It was beautiful, AND disgusting, all at the same time.

The scene was just too chaotic for my drunk ass to have a rational thought. The bullets were still flying, I was now blinded in one eye and couldn't stop laughing, when suddenly I got a huge muscle cramp in my right calf and foot.

I let my girder go to grab my wounded leg, and since my left hand was already busy trying to free my eye from it's semen shackles, my gun was now unloading it's clip with reckless abandon in every direction.

I was like a wounded baby pup seal after being clubbed on the noggin and knocked silly. Just total mayhem my friends! Total and complete fucking mayhem!

It was truly a one man's Dante's Inferno! How the hell could one simple jerkoff session get completely turned so upside down
for crying out loud. Too funny!

As I lay there writhing in pain from the cramps, having convulsions from laughter, and trying not to vomit from the too many beers,
the gunfire finally subsided.

My heart was pounding within my chest and blood was coursing through my veins at the speed of light but I remained still.

Just picture the scene. A grown man lying on a disheveled bed massaging his leg, covered completely within a film of salted sweat, laughing to the point of near puking, while the huge amount of cum covering his eye had began to harden like quality quick-drying cement.

What a fuckin' mess it was.

I was physically exhausted, emotionally drained, and much to my surprise, I somehow avoided the onslaught of any self loathing or disgust. Just another typical dateless Saturday night.
Sounds relatively sane right? No???

Suddenly there was complete calmness. The only sound I heard was the lip-smacking slurps of two Asian chicks having one another for lunch emanating from the TV. I felt relieved
that I wasn't dead!

I remained still for a few seconds. I felt the cramps begin to ease. A touch of sanity somehow seeped back into the room. I lifted my head from the bed, and with one eye,
began to assess the situation.

I can tell you that it didn't look good!
War zone came to mind.

But I really didn't give a shit at that point though, because: one, I was still alive. And two, I just had the biggest muthafucking orgasm I've ever had in my entire fucking life.

So okay, it was by my own hands, and well, okay, everything else in the apartment, but the most amazing orgasm nonetheless.

I could only lay my head back down on the bed, sigh, laugh, and wonder if my eyesight would ever return. And then of course,
laugh so much more.

After lying there for about twenty seconds I surprisingly found only one thought filling my ailing head. Well besides getting
another beer that is.

But I lifted myself up from the bed, hobbled to the kitchen, picked up the bottle of pills and tossed those fuckers right in the trash can
as fast as I could.

Fuck them! I can't go through that shit again! After all, I only have one eye left and couldn't chance that a repeat performance could possibly take out the other one.

Or even worse, use them on a date and bruise the vocal chords of that lime-green-jello-slurping weirdo from down the block with that bazooka-like force I was wielding.

To hell with this exploring bullshit dude. It's for the birds, and way too dangerous for me. I'll leave that to the real honest to goodness professional trailblazers from now on I promise.

Besides, I didn't feel too renowned, courageous, or professional for that matter as I sat upright in bed for the next two days nursing an ice pack over my throbbing worn out reddened
raw steel flesh girder.

It was more like a lump of chopped meat
at that point.

And so it looked like my fifteen minutes of fame and glory as a pornstar had come to a rather harsh premature ending. My awesome porno sex debut dream had been literally
rubbed right outta me.

In fact, I may never even touch myself down there ever again... LoL... yeah right!

And oh, just in case if you were wondering, the answer to your question is... of course I did!

I scrubbed, cleaned, disinfected, and practically sterilized every inch of that fucking apartment!

Every doorknob, corner and cushion were hit with some sort of chemical and elbow grease. I was so disgusted and guilt ridden by my prior evenings insanity that I could have disinfected half of New Jersey if I had enough cleanser.

Felix Unger himself would'a been proud of me.

My Tommy gun lives no more!

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