Saturday, June 8, 2013

Dishwasher Diaries

Okay, here we have more tommy nonsense!

This was my official "first real job" ever story. Of course I cut lawns, collected cans & papers and had the dreaded paper route as a kid. In fact both my brother's had the route
at one time or another as well.

But this was my first taste of reality! And I think I'm still a bit soggy from the experience!

I was 15 years old when I started and worked there right through my high school years just about. First I rode my bike there and then later on, drove the the Doorsmobile to 'n from.

Tommy Mondello & his ten speed bike
Me at about 15. That's the bike I used to ride all over the place including work. I loved that bike! Eventually both brake handles broke and I had no brakes. So I used the cable from the rear brake pads. I ran it under the seat... along the frame bar and tied it to the shaft of the handle bars... and whenever I needed to stop I would pull up on the cable... LoL
C'mon... am I fuckin' Macgyver or what!?

Joey & Tommy Mondello doing their paper route Staten Island, NY
Love this pic! Joey on the left and me. Joey still had the paper route at this point, as you can tell by the Staten Island Advance bag hangin' from him. We used to also set the bag up on the handle bars of our bikes.
The ones we had before the 10 speeds came about.

We used to hangout at a local neighborhood bar at the time called the orchard Inn ...(you'll be hearing more about this place
later on in the blog)

And I remember every Saturday night the guys up at the bar would line up their shot glasses and wait for me to get there, about 1 or 2am, and we'd drink our Dewar's shots.


Used to be the Orchard Inn bar Richmond Ave & Morningstar Road
This used to be the Orchard Inn bar at the corner of Richmond Ave & Morningstar road. Those 2 big smokestacks to the left come from PS22... the grade school that most of us attended.

The original Orchard Inn sign
This was the big sign that hung on the side of the bar that I borrowed. You'll be hearing more about the sign and bar later on
and where this pic was taken.

Where the Orchard sign used to hang before I "borrowed" it
That's where the sign used to hang... before I borrowed it while construction was in progress transforming our old hangout into a travel agency.
It's 17 feet long... LoL

They all knew I had arrived, because the entire place would begin to smell like a fuckin' garlic stick for goodness sake!

Anyways, get ready for some "light-hearted" restaurant kitchen madness. And I promise, I didn't rub against anything, or jerkoff once, within this entire story!

No really, I promise.
And the check is in the mail as well! LoL

Hope you like it... later... tommy

And ya know you can always check off "It Sucked" down at the bottom if you didn't like it ya know... don't be shy muthafucka's...

I'm a big boy,
and I promise that I'll only cry just alittle!

Dishwasher Diaries

I’ll never forget my first day working at the Casa Nova restaurant. I was wearing a tie, a nice collared shirt, and also a sharp pair of pants.

I walked in the front door and saw people walking in every direction. Then I spotted the owner, Vinnie. He greeted me hello,
and we had some small talk.

Then I questioned him about the people, being that the restaurant didn’t open for another hour. He explained that it was a private party.
Maybe he said a birthday
or possibly a graduation. 

Anyway, with that said, he escorted me towards the kitchen. Now, at this point I really didn’t know what I was hired to do, as my Uncle Joe had set up the job for me.
I was about 15 at the time.

Well, we walked through the swinging door into the kitchen where I saw possibly the biggest fuckin’ mess I’ve ever seen in my life. I was laughing to myself thinking about the asshole who was going to have to clean it all up.

Vinnie introduced me to the head chef, Angelo. And then to Dominick, who was the chef’s assistant. Again, I thought to myself, man these two guys are gonna have to bust their asses
to clean this place up.
(Do you see where this is leading?)

After a few quick hello’s, Vinnie says,Okay Tommy, grab an apron from the back. This is your station over here.

I turned to my right and saw two gigantic sinks filled with dirty pots and pans, with a stack of dishes almost four fuckin’ feet high next to them.

“You mean I’m the dishwasher?”…“Yeah, what’cha think you were gonna be doin’?” he said. I answered, “Sweepin’ a floor or heatin’ up some bread maybe.”… “Nope!
You’re the dishwasher!”

Oh, man, did this suck! So yes... I was the asshole who was going to have to clean up
this fucking pig sty.

Can you believe this shit?

My very first venture out into the real world led me to scrapin’ burnt crap
from the bottom of saucepans.

Well so much for the tie and sharp pants!

I fought my way through the night. I didn’t have much conversation with either Angelo or Dominick. Maybe it was because I was too busy trying not to drown in the swill
that was now my new home.

I was soaked from head to toe. My back was killing me, and I think it was about at this time of the night that the thought of punching my Uncle Joe in the nose was at its strongest.

But just then Angelo turned to me and said with his heavy Italian accent,You eva do dis before?”… “Fuck no! I responded.

Then he said,,,
Because you pretty good kid!

I thought to myself, oh yeah, Ang, thanks for the compliment. Now can you please
help me wring my fuckin’ tie out?

But being the new guy on the block, I just wanted to make a good impression. So I kept my mouth shut and scrubbed those pots until my fingers were shriveled and blue.

In fact, I did such a good job that they preceded to hand me every fucking dirty pot and pan in the place. Those bastards! But by the end of the night, they actually knew my name, and a brand new team had been born.

It turned out that the three of us
worked very well together.
This was just the first night.
Horrible right?

But so many funny things happened to me while working there that it was worth the back-breaking torment. I’m just gonna pass along
a couple stories for now.

Now, this one makes me laugh, still. It’s just real quick, and it’s not even about me.
It’s about Angelo the chef.

It might sound a little mean spirited, but who fuckin’ cares, because it was so damn funny. And if you had been there, you’d be laughin’
right along with us.

Now Angelo hated this one specific waiter named, well let’s call him Rick. He was a Greek guy, white hair, in his sixties I’d say.

Angelo was short, stocky, slick back gray hair, in his early fifties; your typical Italian lookin’ guy. He could’ve been in the movie Goodfella's
as a hit man for sure!

Well, one night Rick received some very young tomato plants from a customer as a gift. Each one was planted in its own small plastic container. He was truly ecstatic about them.

I remember him asking Angelo if he could leave them on top of one of the refrigerators in the kitchen. Angelo said,Why of course you can Rick. Here, lemme give you a hand!

Boy he was being so polite.

Dominick and I knew he was up
to something, but we remained silent.

All through the night Rick would run into the kitchen to check up on his precious little plants. Finally, as Rick left the kitchen after inquiring about his stupid plants for the hundredth time, Angelo exploded.

That’s it!
I can’t take that fuckin’ Greek anymore!

He then proceeded to the sink, pushed me outta the way, and turned on the hot water. Once it was good and hot, he grabbed a pot from the sink and filled it to the top.

Hey Ang, what the fuck ya doin’? I said.

He then replied with these words of wisdom. “Watch and learn how to fuck a Greek without stickin’ your cock in his ass!”

Oh how wonderful for you Ang, thanks. LoL

He then walked over to Rick’s tomato plants and gave each one a tiny sip of death. That crafty fuck knew exactly just how much to give each plant to keep them hanging on for a bit without dropping dead on the spot.

Then for the rest of the night, the deathwatch was on for Rick’s tomato plants. It was a slow lingering death too!

Each time he came into the kitchen to check on the plants, they were wilting just a tad more to the left. The bewildered look on his face was so funny that we were literally peeing ourselves. I’m not jokin’ here.

Urine was running down our fuckin’ legs!

It didn’t matter in my case though, because I was already soak ‘n wet from the swill that was my new home, remember?
So I just stood there and peed.

It was so beautiful, watching him try to figure out just what the hell was going on.
Fuckin’ priceless!

Finally, by the end of the night, those tomato plants were as shriveled up and dead as the wicked witch of the East. Minus the big house
on top of them of course!

Ding-Dong, the plants are dead, you fuckin’ Greek, your plants are dead. Ding-Dong your fuckin’ plants are dead!

Oh man, I needed a pair of Depends.
Angelo didn’t really sing that little ditty to us, but it was exactly how he was feeling at the time, lemme tell ya that.

I don’t understand Angie, what do you think is wrong with them? Rick said. Angelo hated it so much when he called him Angie.

Well, it could be Rick,
that they’re fuckin’ DEAD!

I swear it looked as though Rick was gonna start cryin’ where he stood, and that just made us
pee ourselves even more.

Nothin’ funnier than seeing an old guy almost cry over something as silly as baby tomato plants. It was real life theater at it’s best.

Oh man this is a cruel world at times isn’t it?
Too funny!

But I think that this next story is by far one of the funniest nights we ever had while working at that shit hole. And that troublemaker
Angelo started it all... again.

Man, he was great.
Unfortunately, he died a couple years ago, but man that muthafucka was great!

Now don’t go and get all sad and misty-eyed on me, because I'm sure he’s up in heaven this very second with a pot of hot water trying to locate the burning bush for heaven’s sake!

So don’t feel sorry for him. He was forever the prankster, and probably still is.

Anyway, one day I showed up for work nice and early. Ang was already there preparing things for the crash of people soon to come.

By this time, Dominick had quit and was working at his uncle Gene’s restaurant, so I was Angelo’s assistant and we had a new dishwasher.

His name was Tony and he was really funny: an Italian guy with that goomba edge to him.

He had been a schoolmate of mine at Port Richmond high school in Staten Island.  In fact, if you had added a fancy suit and a pinky ring to the mix, he probably would have made another great mobster like Angelo. He had all the moves and talk down pat.

Well anyway, I came strollin’ in, strapped on an apron and began to roll out the dough
for the garlic sticks.

So Ang, what the fuck’s up?”… “Aaahhh, nuthin’ much. Hey, do me a favor and see what’s in that bag. I think Vinnie left it there!

Well this scumbag caught me with my guard down. I walked over, bent down to open the bag, and moved my head real close
to see what was inside.


(Have I got this vocabulary thing
down or what?)

Crap, I just shit myself.
Skid marks for days, man.
My heart jumped right outta my chest.
I leaped back and cowered
like a little schoolgirl.

I turned and saw Angelo hunched over in the corner barely breathing with laughter. His face was apple red. Me, I was as white as my underwear used to be.

It was a fuckin’ deer head in the bag.
A real deer head!

It wasn’t dripping with blood or anything,
but real nonetheless.

Angelo went hunting all the time, and this was his latest victim. Fuckin' Bambi in a bag! He cracked up about my reaction for about fifteen minutes or so. No work got done. We were now behind on all our prep.

But once I regained my composure, I said,Fuck me! We gotta get someone else! I’m not gonna be the only woman here!

(Deer head one…… humans nothing!)

So Ang wrapped up the bag again, and we went back to our duties. We waited for the next loser to walk through the door, and who
do you think it was?

Of course, it was fuckin’ Vinnie,
the owner.

I looked over at Ang and he shot me a look that said, what the hell, lets get him.

Hey Vin!”… “Yeah Ang.”… “Do me a favor and take a look in that bag. It was here when I got in today! I thought that maybe you left it there!”… “Yeah, no problem Ang.

Vinnie didn’t even bother to look inside. He just opened the bag, stuck his entire arm in and pulled out a handful of……


(Another Harvard graduate!)

He also leaped back like a schoolgirl.
Only he had a deer head within his grasp. I never pulled the fuckin’ thing out, so this was way worse by far. But now I knew why Angelo
was laughing so hard.

Man, did he look like a fuckin’ little girl scout or what! The only thing missing
were the Thin Mints!

Well anyway, Vinnie let go of the head and it went rolling across the floor. I started throwing dough at it from the bread sticks I was making as Vinnie just stormed outta the kitchen.

Once again Angelo was red-faced
with laughter and doubled over.

(Deer head two…… humans nothing.)

The next person to shit himself was going to be Tony. Now, Tony could’ve starred in Goodfella’s right along side of Angelo.

He was very similar to the character of Tommy that Joe Pesci portrayed. He was loud and funny with a wiseguy edge, only without all of the gun play and bloodshed of course!

I couldn’t wait to see how Vito Corleone Jr. was going to react. Would the wiseguy image prove to be stronger than our newfound archenemy, the deer head? I’m betting no.
Whatta you guys think?

So I set up the trap. I picked Bambi up from the floor, and walked her over to the dishwasher. I then opened the dishwasher door and rolled out the bottom rack. Placed the head in the middle of that rack at an angle that was facing directly up at the person standing in front of it.

Then gently rolled the rack back into the dishwasher and closed the door.

By now, I had already burnt two trays of bread sticks and was way behind in the rest of my prep work. But it was all worth it.
Every sick moment of it!

We didn’t have to wait very long for Tony
to come ramblin’ in.

Aaaaa guyz, whaz goin’ on?

He then walked to the back to get an apron.

We all shared some small talk and waited patiently for him to open that door.
Man was this gonna be great.

He walked over to the dishwasher and leaned towards it, but fooled us. Instead of opening the door, he saw some dirty pots in the sink
and began to wash them first.

Ang and I looked at each other like two ten-year old's who had just placed a thumbtack on their teacher’s seat and got faked out when she pulled out the chair but ended up
sitting on the desk instead.

The anticipation was just too much to bear. Something would have to give.
I couldn’t take it anymore.

Hey Tone” “Yeah Tom whaz up?” “Do me a favor and throw over the other dough cutter. I’m pretty sure it’s in the dishwasher!” “Yeah, no problem. But I don’t think………..............


Oh, my, fucking, goodness, he didn’t even say a word. Not a single fuckin’ word.

His feet just did the Curly Shuffle and he ended up climbing on top of the refrigerator
opposite the dishwasher.

And this was the very same refrigerator where Rick’s tomato plants had died. The whole entire scene was just too much for any
sane human being to handle.

Just look down from your vantage point at this chaotic scene. Tony was hangin’ onto the fridge while his feet were still in a running motion.

Angelo and I just dropped everything, as we both fell to the floor like wet noodles.
Neither one of us could breathe.

Our bodies just seized up as we both convulsed on the floor like mental patients.

Tony still hadn’t said a muthafuckin’ word to this point and was still hangin’ from the refrigerator with his feet in motion.

And guess who walked in?

Of course, fuckin’ Vinnie. Again!
But even he couldn’t get mad at us after seeing where the head was, and then turning and seeing Tony clinging for “deer” life
from the refrigerator.
(Get it? Clinging for deer life.)

(Head three…… humans nothing!)

That fucking head scared the shit outta everyone that night. It showed up in the strangest places; in the refrigerators, and even in the oven.
It was a very versatile head, ya know.

So the rest of the night was pure chaos. Everyone’s food went out cold, wrong, and fucked up. But hey, the head made us do it!

But wait, it doesn’t end yet.
I thought the fun was over at this point, but at the end of the night, we were all standing in front of the restaurant while
Vinnie was locking up shop.

Okay, I’m outta here! I said.

And walked to my car about a hundred feet up the road. I opened the door and went to get inside and that son-of-a-bitchin’ head was there, staring right at me. Scarin’ the shit right the fuck outta me one more time.

Those assholes were all crackin’ up at my reaction, again! So I pushed the head over to the passenger side and jumped in, started the car, put it in gear, and sped
towards the restaurant.

I zoomed past and flung the head at the guys with my left hand back over the roof of the car, hook shot style. And Angelo actually
caught the damn thing.

I turned around and headed back towards the guys. I pulled up slowly, and as Ang was getting ready to toss the head back into my car,
Vinnie spoke up and said...

Hey guys that’s enough! Lets have a little sympathy for the deer.

And we all actually felt a little bad
about the friggin’ head.

So I saidYa know you’re right! I’m gonna go and give it a proper burial!
I’ll see you guys tomorrow.

I told Ang to toss Bambi in the car. I then proceeded about a quarter mile up the road to the post office and pulled up to the mailbox.

Swung open the door, and then shoved the head into the valley of hope, thrills, and despair amongst the sweepstakes, letters and bills. I mailed the head to heaven!

So, the final score here was...

... humans zero,
stained drawers back and front.

Fuckin’ deer head, twenty!

It kicked our asses all night long.
Man we had so much fun that night.

I would tell you about the nights we debated on spending half our nights salary on blowjobs and such from the hookers attending the private bachelor parties, but I’ll save that for another time. I don’t wanna scare you guys away.
After all, I promised right!?

Has anything crazy ever happened at your job? I bet you were the instigator behind it all as well! You were weren’t you??

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