Sunday, June 16, 2013

Beavis & Who? / Knuckle Deep

Okay... it's about time I begin to throw some of my navy stories out there.

That first short entry just sort of gives you an idea of how my naval career began.

And not unlike Beavis 'n Butthead,
there was very little thought
behind the decision!

Then we head on over to Brooklyn,
New York for my physical.
(Oh the horror!)

The entries to follow bring to you some boot camp mayhem from Orlando, Florida. Followed by some top notch non-sense and tom-foolery aboard the USS Nimitz aircraft carrier.

Fuck Tom Cruise...
just call me Tommy "TOP" Gun!

Now I can't guarantee that the word "repulsive" won't crop up within your thoughts while reading, but I'm thinking you'll be leaning more towards the "what an idiot this guy is" camp. Let's find out!

Beavis and Who?

My Naval career began with just two words. Now mind you, this was the biggest decision in my life up to that point. Ready?

“Uuuuhh, electronics?”

Fuckin' brilliant huh?

That’s it!

The recruiter asked me what I wanted to learn when I joined, and I casually answered in an unsure voice, “Uuuuhh, electronics?”

Fuck, could I have been a little more sure of myself maybe? It was like I was deciding what I wanted to have for breakfast, and not making a decision that would govern
the next three years of my life.

But, there I was, sounding like Beavis and Butthead, even before those two idiots were even hatched. To hell with Beavis and Butthead! I had cornered the market on stupidity
right then and there!

I remember seeing a TV commercial with a potential sailor sitting in front of a recruiter just as I was. And he responded to his recruiter’s question in the same lackadaisical way
in which I had.
Two big dummies.

(((That commercial link above wasn't the one I was talking of. But that is the USS Nimitz being shown, CVN68. And those F-14's with the skull 'n crossbones are the VF-84 Jolly Rogers squadron. And they were on the ship while I was there.
And they were very badass! Too neat!)))

And that was pretty much the extent of it, man! I signed some papers, and the wheels were set in motion. I would soon be a sailor.
It was as simple as that.

My parents wanted to kill me!

Knuckle Deep

This story really sums up what the next three years of my life in the Navy were going to be like. Let’s see if it’s how you would’ve begun
a brand new career.

Once I had all of my paperwork completed, the recruiter sent me over to run through my physical examination. I had to drive to Fort Hamilton in Brooklyn, New York.

Entrance to Fort Hamilton Brooklyn, New York

View of Verrazano Bridge from inside Fort Hamilton
View from inside the fort... pretty neat right!?
That's the Verrazano Bridge leading to Staten Island.

Well, I nervously drove over the Verrazano Bridge, and in only a few minutes, I was there.

Once I walked inside and presented myself, I was immediately grouped together with five other knuckleheads. We went through the whole process together as one unit. The military likes to do things in group fashion,
as I was quickly finding out.

Don’t you hate doing things in a fuckin’ group?

At first we had to jump through more paperwork hoops, but then it was time to get down to business and get into the meat of the physical. They lined the six of us up in this semi-secluded room, and by “semi-secluded” I mean a room about the size of a huge catering hall, with hundreds of people wandering about,
separated by a few curtains.

The doctor and the nurse were both standing about ten feet in front of us. The doc said,Okay guys, strip down to your underwear.
I’ll be right back.

He then turned, and walked behind those dark divider curtains. So, it was just the nurse and us six idiots, staring at one another.

Now, by this point in the day, the six of us had gotten to know each other pretty well. We had begun bustin’ chops and clowning around right from the get-go and having a really good time of it. So, why should the fun stop now, right?

Well, the guys started to undress, but I just kind of stood there with a puzzled look on my face. I was pondering my options on what to do, because I wasn’t wearing any underwear at the time. Never do. My boys need
their freedom ya know.

So, if I were to pull my pants down, wham, just wham! My boys would be front 'n center for all to see, including nurse Cratchet!

I leaned over and explained my situation to the guys. And, of course, they agreed that there was only one thing to do; drop’em.

Oh, man, it was so funny. We were all just crackin’ up like third graders. First, I took off my shirt, and then the sneakers went. And without any further hesitation, I pulled my pants off,
and there we all stood.

Five pairs of semi-clean underwear,
and one dick... semi-clean!

Nurse Cratchet never even blinked. Thank goodness she wasn’t good looking, or I might have had another problem on my hands. But probably not, because I was suffering from a little shrinkage at this point.

Hey, I was nervous and there were people all over the fuckin’ place. He just didn’t wanna come out and play at this particular moment.
Can you blame him?
(My dick you dummies! My dick!)

So, there we were, standing in line chuckling and carrying on like five-year-olds. And we were the people who were about to protect the country from harm! Five losers and one idiot with no underwear about to begin a new carreer in... Uuuuhh, electronics!

Well, the doctor returned with his trusty clipboard in hand and began to direct us. He had his head buried in his notes, so he still
hadn’t seen my outfit yet.

Okay guys, why don’t you all walk over here by the scale, and line up.

With his head still facing down, he continued...

Okay, we’re going to record your weight and……(he finally looked up and gave me a good three second, are you an asshole or what, stare)…… then take your blood pressure.

He then continued...

And you, you can put your pants back on
thank you!

The six of us just started cracking up hysterically with high fives included, like we had just pulled off the greatest prank in history.

Oh my goodness,
what was I getting myself into?

The physical continued, as did our antics of utter and complete  disrespect to the system.

The long day began to wear on us all. Then, finally, the doc saidOkay guys, we only have one more thing to do, then you’re free to go!

Now, as he was saying this, he was pulling one of those rubber gloves onto his right hand, completing the task with a loud, snap!

Now me, Mr. Naive, had no clue of what was about to happen. You guys out there have any idea? I bet you do muthafucka’s... I bet you do!

Actually, I don’t think any of us had a clue, judging by the fat, dumb, blank expressions on the other guys’ faces. But we would soon find out who was going to have the last laugh of the day.

And, with that, the doc pointed to me and said “Okay, Mr. no underwear, you’re first!”

I turned to the guys and motioned with my index finger that I was number one, and then pointed their way while flailing my arm back 'n fourth in a masturbating motion. At the same time mouthing jerkoffs, and losers, then disappeared behind the curtain.

Am I an idiot or what?

“Okay, pull your pants down
and bend over!” the doc said.

I flinched backwards, and repliedWHAT?

He continued...

I need you to pull your pants down, and to bend over. I have to check your prostate!

I snapped back...

What the fuck is a fuckin’ prostate?”

(Have I got this vocabulary thing
down pat or what!?)

And while I was showing my ignorance, the doc began squeezing out some clear jel from a tube onto his finger. My eyes suddenly bulged out as the proverbial light bulb lit up brightly
above my empty head.

OH MAN, that finger’s goin’ up my ass,
ain’t it? Fuck!

The doc calmly smiled back at me,
and said...

"YEEAAHH!! It is!
Now how ‘bout those pants funny boy!

I couldn’t believe what was about to happen! This guy was gonna stick his finger
in my fucking asshole. Eww!

What the fuck could he learn from this? What I had for dinner last night? All he had to do was ask. Man, it was so humiliating. Now I know what you girls go through with your legs all up in the air at the Groin 'o collagist.

Anyway, before I had a chance to order the champagne and lobster, the Doc was already knuckle deep! That muthafucka!

I could swear he was tickling that little punchin’ bag thing in the back of my throat with that Sasquatch finger of his!

When the damage was done, the Doc pulled his weapon outta my ass as if he were King Arthur pulling the Excalibur sword from the stone
for crap’s sake.

I remember that I looked up, and turned my head back towards him. He had that very same smirk on his face as I did when I was calling the guys jerkoffs, and losers. I’d bet money that if there were another doctor present, that those two muthafuckers would’ve been giving
each other high fives.

Man, payback can really be a bitch
sometimes huh?

So, as you can see, as always, I got it in the end! Hahahaha oh, sorry.
I thought that was pretty witty!

But c'mon, what kinda job is that anyways? Stickin’ your fuckin’ finger in someone’s fuckin’ asshole! Wait a minute, wait one F’en minute!

Do girls have one of those prostate things???????

Has anyone ever gone knuckle deep on you?

And if so... were YOU quick enough to at least order the champagne and lobster first... LoL

Oh wait... there I am. My first photo from bootcamp. Gilligan fuckin' Mondello!

Tommy Mondello first official photo from navy years

Where's the Skipper!?
And yes, I'd do Mary Ann a thousand times over before I latched onto Ginger...
and well, okay,
I'd do Mrs. Howell as well!

Oh shut up... it's a fuckin' desert island for goodness sake. Mrs. H. would be prime real estate once Mary Ann and Ginger were gone!

I wonder who you women would DO first?

Gilligan... nah.

The skipper... doubt it.

Mr. Howell... maybe for the money... lol

Gotta be the Professor! Right???

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