Sunday, August 17, 2014

April Fools


Just another bump in the road
caused by my own stupidity... LoL

Good grief...
talk about a knucklehead move.
Just listen to this mess.

April Fools

Hey, your shoelace is untied.

Oh not really.

April fools!

Dont'cha just hate those assholes
that pull that shit?

April fools, my ass!
Now, get the hell outta my way, loser.
That’s what I just wanna say to all of them.

Sounding a little bitter are we? LoL

Well, yes... I am!
But I have good reason.
Lemme explain.

I was into about the fourth year of the first real corporate-type job I've ever had. And I can tell you that it sure beat those

I landed this position right after I graduated from DeVry Technical School. You remember those few nutty stories from the

DeVry dayz right?

The Thirteeth grade...

Pass Me A Beer Will Ya

Well, the nightmare began when I had gotten my dumb-ass fired for doing something that was just so ridiculous, and so fifth grade. And yes, the hammer just happened to fall on April 1st, which of course, was that muthafucking April fools day.

You see, it all started when I was on a service call to repair several audio recorders. They were large reel-to-reel recorders that the brokerage houses used to record all of the stock trades and phone calls to prove out any discrepancies
that would crop up.

If a trade went wrong, and the customer blamed the broker for screwing up, they went back to the tape and listened to the entire phone conversation. So the tapes were really very important to the brokerage houses as I'm sure they saved them from many a frivolous lawsuit.

I used to sit back by the machines and listen to all sorts of phone calls. And, lemme tell ya, most of them had nothing to do at with trading stocks! LoL Some really great stuff!

Anyway, this particular machine was just kicking the living shit outta me. These recorders were so temperamental, that you had to practically beg them to work. They really sucked.

Well, it took me like four hours to get this thing to work properly. By then it was late, I was pissed off, and to make matters worse, I now had to make out a report explaining why it took me so long on the service call.

If a service call extended past two hours that meant you had to fill out a supplemental report along with the regular paperwork. I guess I don’t have to tell you guys that I was in no mood to explain to anyone why this British built piec'a shit, kicked my ass for four hours.

Especially, when I was looked upon as the guy who knew everything about these things!

Well, after a few minutes of self-pity,

I started on the report.

At first, I was just giving all of the facts. But by the end, I was calling the British people limey’s. Threatening them with bodily harm for building such a shit recorder. I know it sounds as if the whole thing was laced with hatred, but it wasn’t. It was written in a very funny, snowballing-type of way that really didn’t offend anyone.

So, I thought!

Well, I sent my paperwork to the office like always, and continued on
with the rest of the workweek.

Now, come that next Monday morning,

April 1st, I was at home waiting to be paged with a service call just like any other day.
But the phone rang instead.

It was my boss, and in a very low and almost sullen voice, he told me to come down to the office, that something was going on. That a Mr. Johnson from down in corporate headquarters wanted me fired. The it had something to do with the supplemental report I’d sent in.

Well, at this point, I didn’t really take him seriously. Everyone was always joking around with each other, and after all, it was April Fools day. So, I just said that I would be there

as soon as possible.

Ideas were racing through my head of how to counter attack their scam. Not for one moment, did I believe that I was truly in trouble.

Was I a dick, or what? LoL

But wait, listen to the idea I came up with.

This happened at around the same time that several postal workers had gone berserk and shot up their offices. It was plastered

all over the news.

Well, I came up with the brilliant idea of buying several water pistols. Then, walking into the office and making believe that I was a disgruntled worker, and start shooting everyone with the water pistols.

I mean, who in their right mind would be thinking about fucking water pistols

at a time like this?!

I swear, I was just a big stupid kid,
stuck inside a semi-adult body.

So, I hopped in the car and started for the office.

I knew of a store on the way where I could pick up the pistols. But as I was driving, my brain began to actually think about the events

that were unfolding.

And for one second I thought, holy fuck, what if this wasn’t a joke and I’m really in trouble.

Well, still, I wasn’t totally convinced that it wasn’t a scam. So, I figured there’s only one way to find out. Go directly to the source.

And so, I pulled the car into a strip mall parking lot, and found the nearest phone. I dialed up the company headquarters down in Florida, and asked for Mr. Johnson’s secretary.

Secretaries know everything that goes on. They usually know more than the fuckin’ boss does!

Well, I got a hold of her and asked if she’d seen or heard my name come up at all in the past couple days, because if she had, I knew then that I was fucked, and the hammer

was about to fall.

There would be no reason at all for her to know my name, unless it was sitting on that asshole, Johnson’s desk.

Well, I got the answer I didn’t wanna to hear.

Instead of hearing
No, I haven’t seen or heard your name
Mr. Mondello

I heard,
Mr. Mondello. You should just report
directly to your supervisor!

Ut ohhh!
She knew exactly who I was.
So much for the water pistols.
Houston... we have a problem!

All of the sudden, I had a pit in the middle of my stomach. I began to rack my brains out to try and figure out why I was gonna get fired.

I just couldn’t believe it.

I mean, this wasn’t a stock boy’s job, or a gig at the local 7-Eleven we’re talkin’ about here. This was a real job, a career, great pay, benefits,

you know... the whole nine yards.

But most of all, the company car was at stake.

And at this point, I didn’t own another car.

So, this was really beginning to suck.

Well sure enough, when I got to the office I noticed that everyone’s head was lowered, and no one really talked to me.

Then, I knew it was bad.

Because every time I went down to the office we always had a loud, laugh-filled time.

Now, it was as though the grim reaper

had just walked through the front door.

Dead man walkin’ muthafucka!
Dead man walkin’!

I stepped into my boss’s office, and he lowered the boom. Even he couldn’t believe it. He quietly gave me the bad news, and lowered his head.

He was so upset, as we were pretty tight. His eyes were as welled up as mine were becoming. Only his were from sadness and mine were from pure disgust, anger and rage.

Ya see, somehow that supplemental report got forwarded to corporate when it was only meant as a joke for the eyes in this local office. Since they knew my humor, and about the delicacies of those machines, I knew they would get it.

But no one here separated it from the stream of paperwork and it mistakenly flowed it’s way into the catch basin of the corporate offices.

And they... didn’t get it!

I don’t know how I didn’t just start throwing chairs through windows. That’s how pissed off and confused I was. But luckily, I didn’t.

Because within a week after writing all sorts of apology letters to everyone under the sun, they gave me my job/career back. They called it

a one-week suspension.

Fuck them!

In my brain, I was fired.

If I didn’t fight to get my job back, I would’ve never heard from those muthafucka’s ever again! Man, corporate America can just suck my cock, all day! And then suck sa'more!

As you could see, I was still a little hot under the collar about what happened. And, you know what the kicker is? I remained there with probably the greatest job in the world long after every one of those scumbag, rat bastards, who were involved with my dismissal. All of them were either fired, or laid off at one time or another.

You see, what comes around does, go around.

Fuck every one of them! LoL

What was really funny though was that my boss had to call another tech into the office to drive me home. Remember, I was driving a company car, and that baby was staying

right there at the job.

So, I had no way to get home. And man, did I feel so bad for the person who had to fulfill that task.

It turned out to be Anthony. We were pretty close mates as far as the job went, and he felt really shitty about being the one to drive me home after being fired.

I still remember it like it was yesterday. We pulled into my driveway, and he just didn’t know what to say. So, he just said...

What’ta ya wanna do Tom?
You wanna fuck the car up?
We gotta do something!
This is bullshit!

Man, he was the best for offering that.

And believe me, I wanted to rip that fuckin’ car to pieces. But I just got out, we hugged,

shook hands, and I went inside.

Man, the emotions were so intense that whole day. I saw it in my boss’s eyes, Anthony’s, and even my own. When I was first told, I just stood there in both disbelief and rage at the same time. My body was just tensed up tall and erect.

My eyes welled up. And my blood pressure shot through the roof. Life altering stuff man,

truly life altering! And yes I realize that it's only a job, but when something comes at you like that out of the blue... holy shit!! LoL

I ended up being at this position for 16 years. But I eventually was laidoff as the company changed hands several times and blah blah blah... I was downsized.
But all in all it was a great run!

Have any of you knuckleheads done something stupid that got you fired??