Amazing times...
that I'm glad
are well behind me... LoL
USS Nimitz CVN-68 Diaries...
Hey Joe...
I Love You Long Time
It seems I'm just as much a retard with my clothes off... as I am when they are on... LoL
Good grief!!
Just a bit more nonsense
from my Nimitz daze!
Okay, this story is gonna be a bit
X-rated. Nuthin' too dirty though, so please remove your finger from that delete key!
But if you don’t wanna read about the funny first encounter my penis and I had with our very first hooker, then you’d better move on
to another story... you big baby you!
But, if indeed, you are actually a little curious about our encounter with a tiny, olive-skinned beautiful babygirl... well, okay... whore... LoL... then boy, is this story for you!
And it will certainly give you whore-seeking wannabe's a vital clue about something you should never do... when you're with ANY girl.
I swear...
it was like Charlie fuckin' Brown
getting laid for the first time.
What a spaz!
Are you ready to piss your pants.
Okay, last chance for you chickens to bail out. And Ma, that means you!
Well, it all began while we were in Palma, Spain. This was one of the greatest party towns I’ve ever been to. It was an island off the mainland of Spain, and we had a great time there.
Everyone was totally out of their minds
during this leave.
But before we get to my lovely Lolita, lemme just give you a few examples of some of the craziness that went on while in Palma.
Then, we’ll get to the suckie fuckie!
I’m tellin’ ya, it was one big party,
most of the time.
This was one of those,
most of the times, times.
I remember drinkin’ at a bar with the guy’s.
We were meeting all sorts of people,
from all over the globe.
Oh, just listen to me……
he made me climb down.
I’m a spineless jellyfish aren’t I!?
Well, he had a special way of getting you to the boiling point. So much so, that you just wanted to pound him with your fist! I don’t know; it must’ve been a gift from the Gods of aggravation I guess.
And it’s been that way ever since the old days. He is definitely a unique individual. You love him tons, and hate him for being a jackass, all at the same time. He was pretty awesome!
Well, anyway, while we were at a bar getting blitzed, Cary just got under my skin. I forget why, but it must’ve been something really annoying. It was annoying enough for me to walk out of the bar, and promptly put my fist right through a car windshield.
I’m thinkin’ about it now, and I just can’t believe that I did that. No way does that sound like something I’d do. But, I did it.
Bang!
I’m sure the million beers we drank may have had something to do with this ridiculous decision.
The car was parked right outside in front of the bar. And when Cary came walking out after me, he noticed that I had my hand
inside this guy’s car. LoL
He quickly grabbed some napkins and while the both of us were cracking up hysterically with retarded drunken jocularity, we pulled my now bloodied arm, out of the car’s windshield.
We looked around to make sure no one had seen what happened, and then took off running down the block with blood dripping down
the length of my arm.
While the whole time I was laughing
and yelling at him...
“Man you just give me fuckin’ knots
in my stomach you fuck!”
The demon alcohol strikes again! LoL
How stupid was this entire scenario?
Knots?
What the fuck did I mean by knots?
Man... I gotta stop drinkin', like THAT anyways... LoL
This was truly one of those times I thought to myself, no way that just happened! And the worst part of it all was that we didn’t even give a shit about the car, the owner,
or anything for that matter!
Just a few carefully removed shards of windshield, and several band-aides later,
and we were right back in business,
hitting the bars.
Actually it sounds like alot of fun really.
That was a crazy day to say the least.
Oh, yeah, there was a place on the island that was off limits to us sailors. The shore patrol guys were constantly combing the streets
for anyone who wasn’t obeying orders.
It was off limits because Beelzebub himself
lived there!
It was nothing but booze, broads, and okay,
more booze and broads! And, this was the place that the assholes in charge
wanted us to stay away from.
Yeah, right!
It was like trying to stop a hooker from stealing your wallet. Hey, it’s gonna happen dude.
It’s just gonna happen. Oh, except for MY little olive-skinned babygirl of course!
She was an angel... LoL
Well this terrifying, “off limits” area was just a couple of small narrow streets. And get this,
the area was called Blood Alley.
I’m not shittin’ you guys.
Not one bit.
Just ask Cary!
Straight off the movie screen and right into
our waiting laps!
Blood fucking Alley.
There was a bar to the left, one to the right,
and a hooker in every corner.
Then, there was us loonies, right in the middle
of it all, with a hard on that would’ve
made your daddy proud.
(Hey, that was an awesome line wasn't it!?)
I remember running down the street and constantly ducking into doorways
to escape the wrath of the shore patrol.
You saw this kinda shit in the movies,
Steve McQueen kinda stuff ya know. And now here we were, living out that very scene.
And you never knew what was going to be behind that door once you ran through it!
On several occasions, when we crashed through a door to hide, we found friends of ours getting their money’s worth from a recent investment. Then, when the shore patrol had passed, we’d say our goodbye's, crash back through the doors, and re-entered the war zone once again.
It was just incredible!
Really neat stuff.
So, you get the general idea of the madness
and mayhem surrounding us in this
far away fun-house, right?
A millionaire living out his days in a drunken stupor, and having the time of his life. Well, that was us, only without the millions of course!
Just imagine 200 drunken Arthur's roaming those tiny streets, crashing through doorways,
and making total fools of themselves.
Just adding more chaos of those
already vomit-laced alleyways.
Beautiful!!!
Degradation of the most splendid kind.
What an awesome time!
Do you know what the most dangerous thing
in the world is?
A sailor with a hard on,
and a big wade of cash, that’s what!
Okay, now let’s get to the good stuff.
I eventually ended up at some bar with a couple of the mess deck knuckleheads. It was my redneck buddies that were into chewing tobacco, and makin’ their own hooch.
These guys were so comfortable around hookers, that it scared me. I remember the fun began as about four of the girls, and us losers,
were hovering over a video game.
The ringleader of the rednecks was this short, arrogant guy, who kinda resembled John Denver.
Funniest muthafuckin' redneck I have ever met in my life. He was a cross somewhere between Steve McQueen, and fuckin’ Gilligan.
But on the other hand, you could also picture him stranded on an island in the south Pacific
with the skipper!
Because he was also
as goofy as Gilligan was.
What a crazy combination
of personalities he owned.
He was great!!
Well, we were all boozed up, of course. And a couple of the guys began rubbing up against
the girls as they played the video game.
The girls didn't even care.
This must happen every second of every day to them. So it was nothing new. After all, that was their job right? To get fondled and extract as much cash as they could from a bunch
of horny, fat wallet-ed sailors.
But believe it or not, even as drunk as I was, I remained a bit timid. Imagine that, me, timid?
The ring leader, let's call him "Hiltz", was getting himself handfuls of ass, and then in a real southern drawl, turned to me and said...
“C’mmoonnn Monndellooo,
git in here and git you some!”
So, I picked out a real pretty girl, and started squeezin’ for dear life. That first squeeze was the hardest. Silly I know. But once I got past it, everything else came easy.
(And yes... I know what I just said, be quiet!)
And look, I know there are some of you out there thinkin’ that I was acting like a wimp and all.
But I’m tellin’ ya, how many times have you just walked up and started playing with
every inch of a woman’s body
without getting the shit kicked outta ya?
I’ll tell you when, fuckin’ never!
But we were in a different world here. It took me a while to warm up to the way things were.
But hey, I learned!
I warmed. LoL
I always thought that if and when this kind of stuff ever happened that I would be the guy that I portrayed in my dreams, and fantasies.
Ya know, the big macho guy,
taking advantage of every woman
I came across.
Well, fantasy and real life, have absolutely nothing to do with one another. And I was a far cry from the stud-master I was in my dreams. Believe me!
And I’ll bet that every one of you out there is in the same boat. Big shot in your dreams, and a big pussy in real life. Until you warm up to things that is.
Well, as I was checkin’ out the merchandise,
the girl turned to me and said, as soon as
the game was over that we could go upstairs.
Oh, baby!
Man, was I nervous.
I don’t know why though, but I was.
Finally, the game was over and she took me by the hand, and led me upstairs where we were immediately greeted by the biggest, thickest, toughest lookin’ old broad I’ve ever seen.
Bang, my dick went limp on the spot.
A million thoughts raced through my head in just a split second. Maybe my pretty young thing was going to hand me over to witch hazel, and she was the one I was going to bang.
Or, I was about to get ripped off. Maybe even I was about to get the shit beat outta me,
or worse yet, the beast was going to watch!
Man, my alcohol soaked brain was exploding. Many beers, and pumping adrenaline, makes for one paranoid son-of-a-bitch, lemme tell ya!
But no, it would be none of the above.
And as for the thick old broad, well, she was the Mamasan. The housemother,
and a real fucking bruiser to boot!
She did all the collecting of money for the rooms, and she even gave us clean sheets. And I’m sure she did some bodyguard work on the side
as well! Big bitch.
Well, I anxiously handed over my 5 dollars for the room to her. I was quickly finding out that getting laid in Spain was really cheap.
So, once the old broad changed the bed, and gave me the evil-eye stare down, she left the room and closed the door behind her. Then bamm, just like that, my dick came back to life
and was ready for action!
Now at this point, my wiener was way ahead
of the rest of me. I was still feeling really nervous and goofy still. But not my dick,
well he was ready for action!
Again, I don’t know why I was so nervous.
I guess because I never had a hooker before.
I didn’t know how they operated,
or what the protocol was, ya know.
But I was about to find out.
Next, we both got undressed.
Man, was she pretty. About 5' 4" tall,
with long jet black hair. I’d say she
was about 20 years old if that.
Very petite and slender.
Perfect!
Well, she took off her clothes first.
I was a little slow, so she sat me down
on the bed, and helped me with mine.
I got all the way down to my socks,
and I told her to leave them on.
Oh, my goodness,
I was one of those guys...
who left his socks on when with a hooker!
Say it ain't so dude,
say it ain't so.
Now how embarrassed are you for me
at this moment huh?
I told the poor babygirl to leave
my fucking socks on. And, worse yet,
they were black socks!
Good grief!
What was I worried about,
getting cold feet or something?
What a douche I was!
Okay, anyway, the socks stayed on. She then took me by the hand, and walked me over to a nearby sink. I thought, mmmmm, now what?
Again, for a split second, my brain ran wild.
Oh shit, maybe she’s not a hooker at all.
Maybe she’s just a fucking hair stylist,
or something. Fuck, what the hell
was goin’ on? How could I ever
explain this to the guys?
“So did’cha git'choo some Monndelloo?”
“Uuh, well, no.
But... I got a really nice shampoo
and haircut though!”
Man, would I sound like a dick, or what?
I’d be the laughing stock of the mess deck!
But, I quickly realized that my head wouldn’t be getting a shampoo after all. At least,
not the one connected to my shoulders!
You see, my little angel let go of my hand,
and then wrapped her fingers around
my now throbbing jack-hammer.
Remember, I was the nervous one,
not my dick!
He’s been ready for this
for about 60 days now.
Well, she gently pulled me forward by the dick towards the sink, and lifted my balls,
then placed the whole package into the basin.
Oh man, doesn’t that sound very impressive, she placed the whole package, into the basin.
Oh be quiet will ya.
Pretty cool so far, huh?
Well, I don't know about you, but my dick is hard just reliving it, I can tell you that.
She then turned on the water, and adjusted it to a nice warm temperature, and proceeded to give my prick a soothing bath. I’m tellin’ ya, I almost shot my load right then and there. This entire thing was like a fuckin’ dream.
A Penthouse Forum moment for sure.
I mean, the only stories I’ve ever heard about hookers were that they were crude, well-grained hard asses. With a bing, bang, boom, they’d finish you off, and out the door you went
while she moved onto the next loser.
So, this was a far cry from that
and a total surprise to boot.
I felt like a rich guy or someone who pays thousands of dollars for a high-priced call girl. Shit, I’ve got my own call girl right here.
So okay, I had to join the Navy, risk my life on the flight deck, and travel halfway 'round the fucking world to find her. But hey,
ya do what'cha gotta do, right guys!?
Well, she slowly rubbed my johnson clean,
and then patted him down with a dry towel. Dont'cha just love this babygirl? I was finally starting to relax. She then took my hand again, and guided me over to the bed. Oh boy!
At this point, I lowered myself down upon the clean Mamason sheets, and let my head sink into the soft pillow. Wonder woman was now standing at the foot of the bed.
Well, you had to picture this ridiculous scene from my point of view. Just the funniest muthafucking thing ever!
This is what I saw.
While lying there, I first saw my dick,
fully cocked, loaded and ready to fire.
Next into view, was this beautiful little babygirl, who was about to crawl between my legs,
and swallow me whole.
I felt like I was a pornstar
just waiting for the director to yell, action!
And this time, I wouldn't have my hand wrapped around my dick standing in front of a mirror! (Remember the jackin' off into a cup nightmare)
Then, the last thing that came into view was...
them!
And it was too late to turn away,
the damage had already been done.
You see, I made the mistake of looking passed my prick, up to my lovely Lolita's glowing gaze, and then down... at them.
Them being... my SOCKS!
My black fucking socks!
I forgot all about them.
Oh, man, you just had to see it to believe it. There they were, both of them, as my toes wiggled around with nervous anticipation inside.
I looked like I just walked off the set of
Revenge Of The Nerds for goodness sake.
It was truly a geek-check moment!
Fuck, where was that macho muthafucka from my dream world? I’ll tell you where, lookin’ down from said dream world, and laughing his fucking ass off, that’s where! I couldn’t believe
I saw them still on my feet.
So, what did I do?
I started laughing!
I was drunk, nervous, horny, and a loser,
all at the same time. And, what’ta ya think
happened next? Of course, my babygirl hooker began laughing right along with me.
Oh, great!
Instead of her suckin’ my dick like a good whore, she was now standing at the foot
of the bed laughing at my fuckin’ socks.
My black fuckin’ socks!
Can you just feel my pain here, or what?
My first encounter with a hooker
was going up in flames right before my eyes.
But, hey, it was only a shy, cute tender giggle
she had though. How could I ever
be upset with that. And well lets face it,
that girl could’ve done, or said anything to me, and I wouldn’t of given a shit.
Why you ask?
Why?
Well, she was gonna blow me, that’s why!
Wake up, will ya!
Well, once we got past the socks,
things got back on track. She then crawled
between my legs, and let her mouth fall
onto my member very slowly.
Up and down, down and up.
I had to try my hardest not to explode too soon. And, I was whimpering already.
After about ten minutes of this, her face once again appeared, and she softly inquired...
“Now you enter me, no?”
And that’s exactly what I said to her, no!
“Just keep goin’ suckie-suckie!”
And like the trooper that she was, back down to the salt mine she went. Man, I’m lovin’ this!
A couple minutes later, she lifted up,
and again hit me with the old...
“You enter me now?”
Only this time, I agreed. We traded positions, and I ended up on top of her in the missionary position. And, that’s pretty much how it ended.
I was only good for about another couple minutes, and bang, I exploded. I came so hard that it felt like my heart shot out the head
of my dick. Man, it was incredible!
Now, there was no time for idle chit chat afterwards, either. Big Mamason would be a knockin’ on that door anytime now. So, we both got outta bed, she once again walked me over to the sink, and washed him down... again.
Nice, huh?
We both began getting dressed when the door swung open, and the bruiser stormed in.
Time was up, and she needed
the room for another guest.
Well, I paid my girl her ten bucks, and reveled in the fact that it was so cheap to get laid there. It was so cheap in fact, that when I got back downstairs, I started buying girls for everyone.
Hey, why not?
As we were walking down the stairs,
which ran along the back wall
and overlooked the entire bar,
all of my mess deck pals
began giving us both a standing ovation!
It was way too funny.
They were actually happy for me...
because I just had sex with a fucking whore. LoLoL
Isn't that the coolest thing eva!!
Well we both stopped midway down the steps, and I then throw up my hands in triumphant victory! And then proclaimed out loud
to the entire mess deck crew...
"PUSSY FOR EVERYONE!!
THE PUSSY'S ON ME
MUTHAFUCKA'S!!"
All the guys began cheering, hoottin' & hollerin' and even the girls were clapping!!
Aarrr... aren't they SO friggin' cute!!
Love them whores.
It was so funny.
Hey, I had a lott'a cash on me, and man,
they washed your fucking cock
for crying out loud!
They washed your cock!!
LoLoLoLoL
Who was I to deprive my fellow mess deck cohorts that wonderful privilege?
How awesome is that!
Throughout the rest of the night,
I grabbed my girl for a few more trips upstairs. As you can plainly see, I was a one-whore
kinda guy. But hey, I was a seasoned pro
by the end of the night.
Even my redneck friend,
Steve McQueen/Gilligan,
gave me the thumbs up.
So, that’s it.
I hope none of you were offended by this story.
I warned you guys at the beginning.
And girls,
don’t blame me if you start laughin’
at your guy, the next time you see him
standing there in just his socks.
His black fucking socks!
Give him a break will ya.
You know how clueless us dudes are.
Wow... she washed my dick!
