Sunday, March 16, 2014

Common Senseless

Just when you thought that you yourself were the dumbest human being on this planet... enter me, tommy mondello!

Thank goodness for that...
because now, with me being here, you have just become the second, dumbest person on the planet!

Finally, a time when coming in second place feels alot better
than coming in first!

Common Senseless

Get ready to experience possibly my worst moment of pure stupidity ever,
as a human being!

This will cause all other stories within this blog, surrounding the stupidity theme,
to just cower at its feet.

It happened at my parents’ house. During this time, I was finished with the Navy, and DeVry was also history. And I was now working at my first real job, fresh outta school.

Both my girl at the time and now ex-wife Lynn, and myself, were hangin’ out watching some television. My parents were out for most of the night and we had the house all to ourselves.

Now stop right there, you perverted bastards, you! Let’s keep our minds outta the gutter shall we. Can’t at least one story go without some kind of bodily function, spewing, or hormonal defect! Grow up, will ya! LoL

Anyway, like I was saying, we were just sitting in the living room watchin’ the tube when all of the sudden, this loud, piercing hum began to ring out. It almost sounded like one of those
smoke alarms, but not quite.

We didn’t have a clue to what it was.
And, lemme tell ya, it was like someone
was driving a nail into my ear.

I don’t know if you guys know this about me, but I can’t stand noises. The tiniest of sounds can just annoy the hell outta me. It’s as though
I’m part dog or something.

So, like I was saying, this piercing sound began echoing throughout the house. I couldn’t take it any longer. So, I leapt to my feet and switched my brain into seek and destroy mode. I had’ta find the source of that sound
before it drove me outta my F’ing mind.

I quickly realized that the death tone was emanating from the kitchen. But where? What could possibly be making that deafening sound?

I started putting my ear to every appliance in the room. First the refrigerator, then the oven, and even the clock. But then, I struck pay-dirt!

I put my ear up against the microwave. It was mounted underneath the cabinets, about two feet above the countertop. It seemed that the seek part of the mission was over.

It was now time, to destroy!

Oh, man, I am truly a dick...
... of pornstar proportion!

Just listen to this.

So, there I was, standing in front of the microwave. The siren from hell still blaring, and blood was now practically dripping from my ears. I had to move fast.

I thought to myself, that the buzzer must have just gone berserk or something, and that maybe this appliance had heated up
its last macaroni leftover!

I took one step back,
and spoke to the ailing machine.

Well, my friend, it’s been a good run. Lemme put you outta your misery!

And, then, I slowly moved my hand towards the electrical outlet, and unplugged that poor bastard. It was as though I was pulling the plug on a lifelong friend. Pretty dramatic, huh?

Hey, I reheated many a leftover in that badboy!
Well, I did it.

I gave that plug a yank, and it was over. It was over! Over! C’mon bitch, die already!

Fuck! It wasn’t over!

That goddamn noise was still piercing my brain. I couldn’t believe it. How the fuck was this thing still crying out, even after I stole its life force?

I was completely distraught at this point. All common sense had now left the building leaving only a 5' 11” tall idiot, with dog-like hearing, and bleeding ears, to conquer the hell tone.

So, as you could see from this scenario, I was about to do something completely idiotic…… again! You should have seen me.

It’s just amazing what one will do when a little pressure builds in the pot. It’s usually one of two things. You could either calmly fight your way out of danger, or you could start flailing your arms around like a psycho
and punch yourself right in the face.

Unfortunately, once again, I chose the latter and I have the black eyes to prove it!

At this point, I just couldn’t believe that this machine was still giving off the hell tone. I was really perplexed! And since all common sense and logical thought were now out of the picture, my only thought was to unscrew the microwave from underneath the cabinets, and then disassemble the beast
until I destroyed it completely.

Can you believe what you just read?

I was going to take apart a fucking microwave oven. An unplugged, microwave oven mind you, because it was alarming!

Does this sound a bit odd to you?

Boy, I sure hope it does!

But, it didn’t to me at the time. Remember, that noise was still blaring away, and my dog-like ears were standing straight up into the air. Rin Tin-Tin couldn’t hear the sounds that I could!

So by now, my brain was beginning to fry. I had to take that fucking thing apart.

(Have you put yourself in my shoes for this one? If not, you really should. You’d be entering into a whole new universe of possibilities my friends!
A whole new world indeed)

So out came the tools, and down came the microwave. I remember Lynn was looking on in disbelief, but there was no turning back now.

In seconds, I had the cover off. Screws were flying in every direction. I was getting down to the bare bones of the machine,
but still hadn’t found the source.

I was beginning to get a little more confused at this point. I had this thing practically broken down to a mere shell of its former self
and still no buzzer!

So, I just shifted into high gear, and was practically pulling nuts and bolts out with my bare hands. I even tried to gnaw off a few.

The noise, the buzzing, my ears, fuck me,
make it stooooop!!!!!!!!!!

And then, the truth revealed itself. The ugly truth! The source of the most high-pitched, piercing, fucking hell tone that you’ve ever heard in your entire life finally had the balls to face me, man to buzzer!

You see, when I came to a screw that I couldn’t rip out with my teeth, I had to resort back to my tools. So, I searched frantically
for my screwdriver.

It was nowhere to be found.

I looked everywhere, so I thought.

I finally brushed away a dish towel that was lying on the countertop alongside my work area, and not only did I find my screwdriver, but I also found my company pager.

It was just sitting there,
laughing at me hysterically!

Sending me a horrifying tone from hell, warning me that it’s batteries were getting low.

A fucking pager!

A pager!

A muthafucking pager!

It wasn’t the microwave oven that was piercing my soul. It was the son-of-a-bitchin’ pager that was under the dish towel only 2 feet away underneath the hanging appliance.

Ooohhh, could you believe it?
How embarrassed are you for me?

I could do nothing but stand there, and let what was left of my now scrambled brains, just trickle outta my ears, and onto the floor.

No big deal though, I had a clean dish towel to wipe them up with, right?

You mutha-F’er you!

I stood there and looked at the pager, then at the dismantled microwave. It didn’t look good folks. It didn’t look good at all.

Immediately my brain went to work on an alibi.

"I pushed the start button too hard, and it fell!"
"Mommy’s macaroni blew up!"
"Uuuhh, what microwave?"
"Uuuuuhh, Lynn did it!"

I came up with a million of them, but the bottom line was, I had’ta put that fucking thing
back together again. And fast!

Well, after Lynn came into the kitchen and laughed hysterically at me for being such a dickhead, I finally pulled the batteries outta that damn pager and put the death tone
to bed once and for all.

I then quickly went to work on the restoration of what used to be the microwave oven. And, in about an hour or so, I had the whole thing back together, and mounted underneath the cabinets.

Even better, was that I didn’t have
any extra hardware left!

There was only one little problem though.

The microwave didn’t exactly look as it did
before I raped it.

There was now a big space, maybe a quarter inch or so, separating the door and the cover. Someone would surely detect it as it just jumped right out at you. And, if they had, I would deny, deny, deny! I’ve come too far to get busted now.

Later that evening, my parents came home and not a word was spoken of my mishap. I hear you guys……… mishap…… there have been people Institutionalized for so-called mishaps,
far less loony than this.

Hey, don’t I know it!

I was still a little apprehensive for the next several days though. That space between the cover and door was beginning to resemble the Grand fucking Canyon for goodness sake.
But still, nothing was said.

I couldn’t believe that I did it. I managed to make a complete asshole out of myself, again, and keep it confined to only two people.


It would be years later that I actually came clean with my parents. I was outta the house, married to Lynn, and fuck, I had nuthin’ to lose
at this point right.

So, one day, when we were visiting my parents, I told them the whole pager story. We all had a great big laugh. Then my father goes...

You fuck!
I’ve been wondering for years
how that space got there!

Oh, man, it was hilarious. So, he did notice it, but never said anything about it. Man, did I barely escape that one, or what?

So, of course over the years, whenever we heard a buzzing or alarm sounding
someone would inevitably say...

Oh look out!
Tommy hears a buzzing.
Quick, hide the microwave!

You asshole you LoLoLoLoL

No one understands the complexities hiding behind such a genius as myself.
Come to think of it, neither do I.

C'mon dude... genius?


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