Thursday, July 18, 2013

My First...

Well I'll give you guys a break from the story telling for now and hit you with a "List" theme.

Everyone loves a good list right?
Top 10 this, top 10 that, worst dressed, best dressed, best lay, worst lay... if it's out there,
you'll find a list about it!

The one I put together here isn't anything too far off the beaten track. In fact every human being on this planet will amass the very same list I'm pretty certain. The circumstances and outcomes will differ... I hope...

but it will be the same list nonetheless!

This is but a short list of some of my "FIRSTS" in life thus far. And as you're reading and you find something that clicks with your own experience, take a second and reflect on your own first.

Good or bad, it really doesn't matter. What does matter is that "it" was THE very first time "it" occurred.
How fuckin' neat is that?!

There will only ever be one first... for everything!

I hope you fuckers all have a lifetime of monumental firsts throughout your lifeline!!


Here's to your first drink... lol

My First...

... boyhood crush...

... was with the cutest girl in the world
and her name was Lisa Upton.

Wow... do you remember your first crush?

Pretty neat right. I bet some of you even ended up getting married to one another down the road.

Lisa and I were in many grades together while growing up. From the very early ones in grammar school, P.S.22, right up through 6th, 7th and 8th grades in I.S.51. Both in Staten Island, New York. I loved her silly smile and blonde hair.

But I was such a loser when it came to girls. Oh man, the sympathy train is about to leave the station... all aboard!

I remember while in 6th grade we would punch each other in a flirting manor to show that we liked one another. Am I a dick or what?

I know I know, I should have been trying to kiss her! But what the fuck did I know of kissing?

Oh man, if I could only have a do-over. I would have definitely used one of my mulligans** right there on the spot. She was, and probably still is, worthy of every one allowed!

I recall my friend giving me some words of wisdom alluding to having sex after I told him that we liked one another. I was so far behind the eight ball when it came to knowing about sex that I really didn't even catch on
to what he was talking about.

Oh boy, what a douche I was. I only wish I knew what to do with my feelings and how

to react to them at that age.

I mean, I wasn't exactly a shy kid, far from it, but... I must have been as dumb as a muthafuckin' rock when it came to

chicks and sex.

But wait, this lack 'o sex didn't end there. Oh no!

Not that I didn't try my hardest to get me some mind you, but I could just never close the deal.

What the fuck?

It lasted a looong time. Too long. Talk about a dry spell. I'm still debating if I should even include the first time I finally got laid here on this list. It's so fucking embarrassing dude... LoL
We'll see.

**  mulligans... A term used by golfers when they want a do-over. Ya know, when they mess up the shot so bad that it's not playable. Usually because it ended up in the woods, lake or they just flat out lost it within the ruff.

... car...

... was a hand-me-down blue, 8 cylinder,
1970 Pontiac Tempest.

Handed down from our awesome elderly neighbor to my older brother, then to me. And by the time I was behind the wheel it was already missing most of the front grill and the left tail light. But it was an amazingly cool car
to have as a teenager!

Eventually I made it even cooler, as I painted a huge  mural that covered the entire trunk that read The Doors in their logo lettering.
Flames included!

Tommy Mondello's first car
A picture speaks a thousands words muthafucka!!

Wasn't it a grand time to be alive when you could do stupid things like that? When something as silly as that was your highest priority!

I remember back in 1979 during the gas shortage, I would drive up to the local station on Forest Ave and get in line with everyone else.

The line stretched forever right along the curbside of Forest Ave. I usually got there about 1 or 2 in the morning, and usually pretty buzzed from the evenings goings on.

I'd spread a blanket out on the hood and fall asleep right there under the half-drunken stars until I was awoken by the honking horn from the car behind me as the line began to move sometime in the morning.

Neat stuff right? It seemed so innocent back then. Nothing like what we had here recently after the gigantic Sandy storm of 2012.
That got a little intense.

That car saw a lot of craziness.
Just as all of your first cars have I bet!

We used to drive around Staten Island all Saturday afternoon singing at the top of our lungs to the likes of The Who, Aerosmith, Pink Floyd, Yes, ELP, Black Sabbath,
and yes of course The Doors!

We'd drink a ton of beer and just revel within that moment in time. Just amazing.

And don't let me forget to mention that it gave “cutting out of class” a whole new meaning!
And I'll leave it that.

You remember doing that right? I see you shaking your head, recalling that asinine thing you did that almost killed everyone in the car. It was amazing wasn't it?

Man... your first car!
Makes you wanna scream
those fucking lyrics!!!!!!

Fuckin' awesome huh!

... apartment...

... was a pre-furnished studio.
(Braisted Ave SINY)
I left the comforts of home at 19
and had a ball!

I transformed the main wall of the kitchen into one gigantic montage consisting of everyone of my rock 'n roll hero's.

And it was all anchored down by a big poster of THE WHO on stage, at the center of it all. It really was too cool. And I can't believe I never took

any photo's of it.

My landlord was a great guy. All he said to me as I handed over my my fist and last was,
and I quote...
Just don't burn the place down Tommy okay! Ooops!

One evening, well okay it was many really, but this one was by far the worst.

After one of those incredible drunken driving, singing at the top of our lungs extravaganza's around Staten Island afternoons... I came home, emptied a frozen bag of french fries onto a cookie sheet, and slid them into the lit oven.

Some time later I was awoken by a knock at the door. I opened my bloodshot eyes and couldn't even see my hand in front of my face.

I somehow made it to the door.
It was the landlords little son.
Yeah whats up kid?
My dad said to remind you that you promised you wouldn't burn the house down!

Oooo dont'cha just hate a smart ass kid?

Even though he was right. The entire apartment was engulfed within a crusty dense smoke
from ceiling to floor.

I shut the door then made my way over to the oven, turned it off, and pulled
the cookie sheet out.

There wasn't even one fucking french fry left. The entire bag of fries had been incinerated. I must have set the oven on that new
“hell” setting or something.

It was like a fucking crematorium for goodness sake. Minus the urn of course. The only thing I saw on the tray were black burn marks where the fries once were.

Not even a spec of ash!

Unbelievable dude. I've never seen anything like it. Took hours to rid all the smoke from the apartment. Don't know why he didn't throw my ass out right then and there.

... concert...

... was on July 23, 1976.

And no my memory isn't always that clear, it's just that I still have the ticket stub.

Pretty neat right?

Tommy Mondello first concert ticket stub. Jethro Tull at Shea Stadium 1976
How awesome is this?!
Look at the price.

I was 15 years old and my friends and I thought we were the coolest muthafucker's around. We weren't of course. But you couldn't
tell us any different!

The show was at Shea Stadium in Queens New York. That's where the NY Mets used to play baseball before they built their new field
a few years ago.

My two friends and I took the Staten Island ferry to Manhattan. Jumped on the number 7 subway train and rode that bitch on a never ending ride all the way out to Shea.

Rory Gallagher opened up the show.
Then Robin Trower kicked our asses.
Then out came Ian Anderson and Jethro Tull.
It was an amazing night to say the least.

... doors song...

... I ever listened to
hit me like a falling brick house.

It absolutely mesmerized

the fucking shit outta me.
You too??

It was L'America from the L.A. Woman album. And it was just such an odd sounding song. I've never heard anything even close to it to that point in my listening life.

The Doors L.A. Woman album 1971
There they are... my rock 'n roll hero's!!
That first day I listened to the album
I thought John Densmore, the second from the left
with the bandanna around his neck was Jim Morrison.
But soon I found out it was from left to right...
Ray Manzarek, John Densmore, Robby Krieger, Jim Morrison

Well actually ya know what? The very very first Doors song I ever heard was
Riders On The Storm from the same album.
But, I didn't even know
it was a Doors song at the time.
(That's an awesome video.
Lots of real life film of Jim!)

It was the music they played at The Swissbob ride down on the Point Pleasant Beach boardwalk rides down the shore in New Jersey.

So this song really doesn't count right? L'America was the very first Doors song I actually placed the record player's needle

down upon for a listen.

Track number one, side two, of the L.A. Woman album. That's right kids, I said record player, not a fucking “i” whatever!

Tol'choo guys, I'm an analog guy stuck in a digital muthafuckin' world!

I was downstairs in our basement at 336 Simonson Ave in Staten Island. That basement was everything to us growing up just like the backyard was. Remember that?

Our hockey arena, baseball field, football field, and of course our very own gigantic concert hall! Our Madison Square Garden if you will.

I remember playing air guitar and singing for hours and hours down there. Entire concerts in fact. From Aerosmith right through to ZZ Top and every band inbetween.

It was really a magical time. I mean being so immersed in your favorite bands. Again, the theme of no responsibility and youth come to the fore front. Awesome!

We should never grow up,
but unfortunately, we all do.

Can't recall the exact year though, but the album came out the same year in which the singer Jim Morrison died, which was 1971.

It had to be but a year or two after that. Say '72 or '73. So I was about 11 or 12 years old. It was my older brother Joey's album, and it lit the fuse to my rock 'n roll listening life.

What a way to begin huh. Such a powerful song, and album! And it only got better beyond that.

Hold up that lighter proudly muthafucka!!

... movie star crush / orgasm...

...was on the most beautiful woman I have ever seen in my life at the time, Honor Blackman.

I fell in love with her when I was about 10 years old. I was watching a James Bond film, Goldfinger, which came out in 1967,

and there she was.

Honor Blackman & Sean Connery filming Goldfinger
Honor Blackman & Sean Connery during the filming of Goldfinger.
Just look at how sexy she is... Marilyn who???

Her character's name was, get this,
Pussy Galore.
Pussy... goddamn... Galore!

I was completely infatuated and wanted her! Oh man, doesn't the name alone give you a hardon?

My eyes popped right outta my head whenever she was on screen, while the blood
popped right into my penis!

It all happened so fast. I had no idea what the fuck was going on. But before I knew it, my pants were down, my right hand was wrapped around my junk and I was tuggin' away. LoL

I had no clue to what it was I was doing, all I knew was that it felt incredible!

Watching her and jackin' my junk. It was pure love at first sight... and first touch!

I was all alone in the house at the time. Sitting on our gold colored loveseat in the living room. Hey... it just occurred to me, gold loveseat while watching Goldfinger. Too cool huh?

Well this went on for some time until it happened. I suddenly got all tensed up, and liquid stuff began shooting out
of the hole at the top of my junk.

I freaked out at first. I thought I had broken something. What the fuck did I know about what an orgasm was? But there I was,
a tensed up 10 year old gooey mess.

So I guess this should also be called...
My very first orgasm ever as well!

Wow, Pussy Galore. I wanna go rub one out right this second just thinking about her! And no, this isn't the embarrassing first time getting laid debacle I was talking about earlier.

But yet it's another sign that I should have been having sex a lot sooner than I did. I'm still debating on telling you about that,
or just lying about it... LoL

... time being fired from a job...

... actually my only time. Oh wait, I was temporarily fired from my first real corporate position around 1990 for doing something just too ridiculous to mention. Then was rehired within a few days, but I was fired nonetheless.

I'm sure I'll be talking about that mess

at some point later on!

But, this is the very first time I felt the sting of being let go from a job. It was during the time when I was living in my first apartment.

I worked at a home improvement supply company warehouse in Linden, New Jersey right over the Goethals Bridge.

It mostly sold aluminum and vinyl siding along with roofing shingles and so on.

I worked there with a softball pal. He was the one to get me the job. We would meet up in Staten Island, then drive 90 miles an hour over the bridge to work, usually still drunk from the night before with the J. Geils Band blasting from the speakers.

Amazing how we didn't die!

We were mostly used as helper's on deliveries. But every once in a while a tractor trailer would arrive at the warehouse and would have to be unloaded... by hand.

Well we'd setup our radio and blast out tunes the entire time we unloaded. Of course the bosses were constantly on our asses about that, and didn't want the music playing.

We didn't give a shit what they wanted, we jammed as loud as we wanted. We kinda were young arrogant mouthy a-holes who thought we were better than them because we came from Staten Island.

How stupid were we or what?

Well just like every other Friday, the entire crew would loosely line up near the office and they'd hand out the paychecks and give us an update on the company business and so fourth.

Only this time, our envelopes literally had pink colored sheets of paper in them along with the paycheck. The proverbial “pink slip” if you will.

We both questioned what they were. And we were informed that our services were no longer needed. That we were indeed fired!

I believe the exact words were...
Now you can play your radio as much
and as loud as you want!

Oh you muthafucka you... LoL Lesson learned! Not really... but fuck you anyway!

... time getting beat up by a girl...

... was definitely a bitter pill to swallow to say the least. But let me explain.

First of all, it was the only time I got beat up by a chick, got that! As if that's a good thing.

It occurred in my late 20's when I was attending karate class. And yes,
it was very embarrassing thank you.

Our Sensei always had us sparring with one another. That was the best part of class. Especially when my brother Michael
joined the class.

We would always pair off together and practically kill one another as if we were watching a playoff hockey game in my living room. Too cool.

The instructor would have to tell us to ease off every so often because we were going
at it so hard.

Well one day there were some visitors at the Dojo, and they joined in on the sparring. I don't believe Michael was in the class at this point.

And well of course, I got paired off with the chick. I showed no mercy whatsoever, and gave her everything I had. Which wasn't much mind you since I was only a beginner.

Well she let me get away with my feeble assault for about ten minutes or so,
and then suddenly, it happened.

I began getting my ass handed to me.

Bang bang smack swoosh smack bang oh fuck, what the fuck is goin' on here.

I was being hit from every fucking direction dude. I was forced into the “rope a dope” for cryin' out loud. Cowering for dear life!

And then right before I was going to mount my last ditch fists of fury assault upon her,

bang... there it was.

A size 9 woman’s foot no more than two inches from my face. Steady, strong,

intimidating to say the least.

Telling me that she could have taken me out at any point if she so desired.

Turned out that she was a Sensei herself from another Dojo. Thank you Sensei for NOT telling me and allowing me to act like a douche bag.

I deserved to get my ass beat for disrespecting her like that. She beat me silly dude, at will no less. I'm still black 'n blue in some spots even all these years later. Too funny.

That was even more embarrassing then the time I farted in front of the entire class as they were gathered around during a demonstration!

Fuck me man, it ain't easy bein' me muthafucka It ain't easy.

... time being busted for using foul language by my mother...

... was nothing short of a humiliating kick in the crotch. No she didn't kick me in the nutz you idiots, just read on will ya.

Oh yeah, as if you haven't realized this by now,
I like to cuss. A lot!

It's been this way since the day I was pulled from the womb and told the doc to get his fuckin' mitts off'a me! And it just snowballed
from that point on.

It had gotten so bad at times that when my brother's and I were still little kids, maybe about 8 or 10, they'd come in from outside and complain to my mom that I was retarded or something because I never stopped cursing.

Ma... there's something wrong with him!

And my mom never did anything to me because she never had any proof. Hey I'm an a-hole for sure, but I at least had enough sense not to be a potty-mouth in front of mom.
C'mon man, gimmie some credit!

Well, one day I dropped the ball, and also dropped a perfectly punctuated “F” bomb right there in front of mom. Ut oh... did you hear that? What? Humiliation my friend,
humiliation coming for moi!

Suddenly, my brother's had been vindicated, as my mother finally heard first hand what they had been complaining about for so long.

My wayward vocabulary was about to land my ass in jail, or worse. And well,
of course it was the worse option.

She walked into the bathroom then re-appeared and called my over. She told me to open up my mouth as wide as I could. And then proceeded to shove a gigantic bar of Ivory soap into it.
I shit you not. Just like this... LoL

And told me to stand there in the middle of the hallway until my father came home from work. That he would deal with me!

Oh man, I felt like such a dick. I'll never forget the look on my father's face when he walked in the back door after a hard day of fighting fires and the first thing he saw was his knuckleheaded middle son standing there
with a fucking bar of soap in his mouth.

Fucking humiliating man, horribly humiliating.
Even for a knucklehead as myself.

And just to let you know, that this major setback in my potty-mouth career had no impact
on me whatsoever.

Oh sure, everything I ate for the next day or two tasted like Ivory soap, but my assault upon the English language only gained steam from that point forward. And continues to roll on
to this very muthafucking day.

So... fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck... take that ma! And yeah, the only reason I did that was because I know damn well she isn't gonna read this crappy blog thing I'm brewing anyways. So there will be no soap for me this time baby...
well I hope not anyways!

... tattoo...

... is also my very last tattoo thank you.

It's so embarrassing as well, almost as bad as the age I was when I first got me some. I'm still debating with myself weather to reveal that horrible truth or not... LoL

I got it when I was in the Navy down in Tennessee. And yes, I had tears building in my eyes while the needle was doing it's damage, so go fuck yourselves LoL

Dont'choo dare laugh.

It hurt man, and as we all know,
I bruise like a peach.

I have the wordsmile on the rear of my right shoulder. And worse yet,
the “i” is dotted with a red heart.

Tommy Mondello smile tattoo
Is this the stupidest fuckin' thing you've ever seen in your lives or what??? LoL
I was ending all of my poetry writings while in the navy with this... and so.
What a dick!

OMG how stupid!
Okay, I take back thego fuck yourselves,
you have my full permission
to laugh at me now!
I deserve it.

... broken heart...

... was given to me by what I thought at the time was the girl I was going to marry.

Well okay not marry, maybe hold hands with.

She lived just down the block from my house. I still had my paper route at the time, so I must have been about 13 or 14 years old. And I was about to feel the sting of a heart being torn in half for the very first time.

And well, really witness a preview of what was to come when it came to my luck with the girls.

I gathered all my manly confidence together and was going to take the biggest step yet and ask her to go out with me.

I went to the drug store and purchased a box of Russel Stover chocolates. Wrapped it up nice and took to the sidewalk
and made my way to her door.

No answer.

And then like an anvil sent from the stratosphere to crush my boyhood dream, her downstairs neighbor informed me that she had moved!

Fuckin' moved!

But I just saw her yesterday,
whatta ya mean she moved?
But I have candy!

Can you just feel my fucking heart
being torn in two?
It was brutal dude.

This nightmare had after school special
written all over it!
What... a... dick... I... was!
But I have candy?
Why I ought'a...

... foreign country...

... I visited was Naples, Italy. What a shit hole that place was. Well the parts that I saw
and remember at least.

I arrived there in anything but style and luxury though, aboard the USS Nimitz aircraft carrier while I was in the Navy. As Naples was our home port while in the Mediterranean.

We ventured to other countries, but Italy was my first. And yes, I wanna go back and do it up right, in style next time.

Because I'm sure it's a beautiful place. You should know better than to listen to a half-drunken sailor when he's talking about, well talking about anything!

... time getting laid...

... came way too late in life for such a cool muthafucka as myself. Well at least I thought
I was cool anyways.

So okay, I thought about it and hey, I've told you everything, or am on my way to telling you everything else about my stupid life so why stop now right? And besides, this topic of “firsts” is getting a bit long in the tooth for me.

And I think it's a great way to end this post. Because once you read this, it will certainly give a huge boost to your own self esteem, and leave you chuckling as well. So here goes.


Okay there I said it. I was 19 years old. 19 muthafucking years old!
Practically middle aged for crying out loud.

Oh stop laughing you assholes. Well okay, you can laugh a little. Well fuck it, go ahead and belly laugh away you jackoff's. I deserve it.

You feel better?

Now lemme get to the coitus will ya. And yes, I learned that ridiculous word from my favorite TV show... The Big Bang Theory.
Ya gotta love
that Sheldon Cooper nutjob.

Can you fuckin' believe it? I didn't feel the warmth of a wet moist pussy wrapped tightly around my engorged cock
until I was fucking 19 years old.

I came close so many times over the years but it just never happened for one reason or another. And I'm as much in shock about it as you are.

Especially now, looking at that horrible number written down here in black 'n white, it seems even more bazaar. But it took me until my last year as a teenager to taste that most wonderful nectar of the gods.


But ya know what? I was so stupid as a kid and lacking in any real formal education about sex and such that I probably would have gotten the first girl I had sex with pregnant.

So when I think about that, it really doesn't bother me as much. And well, I've made up for all the lost opportunities along the way.

But 19... dude, c'mon??????
You were jerking off to chicks on the TV at 10 for crying out loud. And had all your Playboy pictures down at the brook. Why couldn't you put the puzzle pieces together
and nail something down?

I only wish I knew the answer to that.

As for that very first time, it came right after I moved into my first apartment we talked of earlier. It was during our
Orchard Inn Softball team years.

I was dating a really cute girl, who just happened to have an older sister, just as adorable. In a devilish kinda way!

Well actually if you looked real close you could truly see the horns protruding from her skull.
She was awesome!

And she just happened to be dating our teams big GQ guy. He really was a cool dude. Right off the cover of a magazine for sure.

Well, one day as we were warming up before a game, fate had finally fallen on my side of the fence. As I threw the ball over the head of the first baseman from the second base position, and it hit her, the older sister that is, right in the leg.

I ran over to check if she was okay, and well, that lit the fuse. We were in bed by weeks end! I felt bad about cheating on her sister, and Mr. GQ, but I needed some pussy... NOW!

It was just incredible. But I was really such a lummox. A bit clumsy, but not as bad as you would think for the first time. I've been gearing up 19 years for that moment to arrive. And no, she didn't know I was still
wet behind the ears either.

Our first time, we banged so hard and fast on the living room floor of my place that my knees were fucking bleeding from rug burn. Her head was smacking up against the television stand. Awesome!

But then, I freaked out a bit when it was all over. I wore a rubber of course, but when I pulled out my still rock hard junk, after my first real orgasm inside a real girl, just shut up,
the condom was completely gone.

The only remnant that remained was a rubber ring down at the bottom of my shaft. And the rest of the condom was torn to shreds
lying all over the fucking floor.

We fucked that thing literally to pieces!

My first thought was... can I call you dad now?

She saw my freight and giggled as she assured me that she'd already taken the proper precautions. Ya know, she was on the pill but let me wear the rubber to ease my  concern.

And once my baby fever anxiety subsided, we fucked again. Oh and I was also told that day that she loved the way I ate her pussy,
thank you very much!

She was so amazing. And, only lived about ten minutes from my apartment. It was too cool.

I'd get a call in the middle of the night waking me up say about 1am. It was her telling me she was horny. So I'd throw a blanket over myself, grab the car keys, and fly over to her house and gingerly picked her up as not to wake her sister. Who I was still dating.

So okay, the pussy got the best of me and I was a scumbag for a bit, sorry. But c'mon man, my FIRST PUSSY!

It was just me, the blanket and an ice cold car. No clothes whatsoever, not even shoes or socks.

I'd get there, she'd jump in and I'd wrap us up within the warmth of the blanket and fly back to my place. Where I would eat that muthafucking delicious babygirl pussy for hours before we banged our brains out.

Oh man, I'm all horned up just thinking about this stuff. Too funny. And then I'd drive her home. Sometimes I'd drive back home afterward, other times I'd drive straight to that job in which I got fired from that you read about earlier.

Whenever I drove in to work by myself my buddy I worked with knew that I'd be stinking
like sex and booze.

And well. That's my story and I'm stickin' to it!

But it really is very embarrassing to admit that my sex life had such a late start.

How about you? When and where? And I know that some of you were fucking at a very early age. I saw it first hand with some of my friends.

And believe me, I tried my best to learn from them and pick up some pointers on how to close the deal, but I just never found anyone willing to help me close that deal.

Fuckin' 19 years old dude.

Don't tell anybody okay.
Let's just keep this between us.

Bros before hoes right?! LoL

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