Sunday, March 30, 2014

Not a Street Light in Sight

Think... Deliverance!

But only without the squealing
Ned Beatty... LoL

Not a Street Light in Sight

This one is kind of related to the
Dishwasher Diaries entry from
the beginning days of the blog.

It’s about the time my friend Angelo, the chef from the Casa Nova restaurant dayz, took me hunting for the very first, and what would turn out to be my very last, time ever!

But it has nothing to do with what was inside that stupid bag from the D/D story.

Love that fucking entry, I'm laughing
just thinking about it!

Anyway, back to hunting, a real man’s sport. And yes, yet another activity to add to the growing list of things that didn’t agree with me.

I’m pretty sure by now we’ve established that I’m best described as an overweight,

lying gambler whose agility rivals that of a turtle. Cruel I know, but true.
Thus far at that point in my life.

I remember the night that we left for the mountains of Pennsylvania. Ang and I finished up at the restaurant, drove over to his house,

and packed up the van.

Now when I say van, dont'choo guys picture one of those state-of-the-art babies that you get when you go cross-country?

Color TV with a built in VCR/dvd player.

Wet bar, and a few porno tapes.


We drove in the van from hell.

Just like the van Angelo had! Horrible isn't it!!
This isn't Angelo's van, but it's the exact same model
although his was a darker blue.
What a piece of crap...
I'm choking on fucking fumes just looking at it... LoL

There was no TV. No VCR, no dvd player and of course, no babygirl titties. And yeah, I said VCR! I was about 17 years old at the time, so it must have been around 1978 or so.

So there wasn't a "download" is sight!

All I had to comfort me was some old dark blue shag rug carpet and the scent of gasoline fumes on the side.


After pickin’ up Ang’s father-in-law, we were finally on our way. It seemed that we drove forever, but eventually the van had reached the mountains. And after escaping several near-death experiences while driving up the side of that incredibly high mountain,

we made it to the top.

As we reached the summit, after driving straight up the side of said mountain, teetering on the edge of certain death, we came upon

the owner of the land... Yoda.

I shit you not.

You know, that little rat-looking character

from the movie Star Wars.

Fuckin' Yoda!

Fuckin' Yoda... dude!

This guy owned the entire mountain top.

Half the friggin' mountain!

He and Ang were friends for a very long time, and judging from the shape of this guy, their friendship could end at any moment.

I couldn’t believe that this guy practically owned a whole mountain. I didn’t even own five pairs of clean underwear for goodness sake!

Well, we talked to this scary person for a short while, and then headed over to Angelo’s trailer. We jumped out and began to unload

the shagged beast.

I hated hunting already!

Ted Nugent, I'm NOT!!

Although I love that muthfucka!

Come morning, we rustled up some grub and just took in Mother Nature. It was really

a beautiful feeling being up there.

Oh, once you got past the stiffness,

the cold, and the plain fact that you hated
the great outdoors, of course.

I walked down to the small pond that was several hundred feet or so from the big trailer. I had my cup of tea in hand and was just losing myself in the moment when all of the sudden I began to see raindrops creating big round ripples in the pond.

I couldn’t believe it. Because it was a crystal clear morning with not a cloud in sight.

After glancing up to the sky to confirm that cloudless fact, I looked back down to the pond only to see more drops. I then turned back towards the trailer to see if anyone else saw them. And what the hell do you think I saw?

I saw both Ang and his father-in-law cracking up hysterically on the trailer deck. I yelled out...

What the fuck is so funny up there?

Ang sarcastically replied...

Oh I think it’s raining!

And with that, lifted a 22-gauge rifle to his eye and began filling the pond with more raindrops. LoL... What a scumbag!

Great... my first morning in the beautiful natural outdoors and I had un-natural man-made fuckin’ bullets whizzing past my face. Please... just let me get the fuck outta here please, muthafucka!

Well after we finished breakfast,

it was shootin’ time.

Hot dang!

I was gonna shoot me a gun.

Ang started me off small. He handed me the rainmaker gun. Which of course was the 22-gauge rifle he was shooting into the pond.

This little baby was cool. It was like spitting at the target. I took aim and fired at the bull’s eye

attached to the big bail of hay.

Bing… bing… bing.
This thing was like a little kid’s toy.
I loved it!

But although I may have loved this little peashooter, I couldn’t hit the side of a fuckin' barn let alone that bullseye attached

to the hay bail. I sucked big time!

Well after about five minutes of this, Ang said...

Wait, maybe you’ll have better aim

with this one!

I turned, and there was Daktari handing me this fucking rifle painted in black and white

stripes resembling a zebra.

I was afraid, very afraid!

Anyway, right before Doctari... (Ya know, the whole Africa thing. Just roll with it okay!)... handed me the secret weapon, he loaded it with I’m guessing here, but I'll say bullets.

These things looked more like miniature rockets. They were huge! He slid them in one by one like missiles into the silo. I turned to Ang

and nervously muttered...

Hey Ang, you sure this is just

a regular fuckin’ gun?

He replied in a calming, almost therapeutic voice...


Just aim and shoot it like you did
with the other one!
Only this time
try and hit something dickhead!

Try and hit something?

What an a-hole. I’ll show him.

So, with all my might I raised the zebra bazooka to my face, took aim, and…… BANG!!!!!!!!

This thing almost took my fuckin’ head off.



It is!

Well, maybe this one does have a little more kick to it then the 22-gauge he said.

What a sneaky prick he was.

A little more kick, why I oughta…………

Frick 'n Frack were laughing so hard at me, while I was just getting tremendously pissed off. All we needed right now was fuckin’ Yoda to show up with a crossbow. Then we would’ve had a scene straight out of the movie Deliverance with Burt Reynolds and Jon Voight.

I hated hunting,

and I haven’t even hunted for anything yet!

Needless to say, I gave Angelo back the cannon and picked up the pussyboy 22-gauge rifle again. I aimed, aimed some more, and fired.

Bing… Bing… Bing... Bing...

Now, this was more like it!

Still hadn’t hit a fuckin’ thing yet, but it was more fun firing this thing than the fuckin'

Guns of Navarone!

The Guns of Navarone movie poster 1961

Well, now that I was up to speed somewhat on the finer points of shooting a rifle, it was time to head out and bag me some big game.

The three of us began our march into the woods in three different directions. I had my trusty 22 rifle and a handful of bullets at the ready. I felt like I was on that old TV show, The American Sportsman with Curt Gowdy.

It was so stupid walking around in the woods hoping to bump into an animal so you could blast its fucking head off. Luckily for me I didn’t see anything, not even so much as a fucking squirrel.

And I’m thinkin’ that maybe that was a good thing too. Because I'm sure if I had seen something, I probably would’ve gotten so nervous and excited that I most likely would have shot myself in the fuckin' foot
or something even worse.

But instead of getting all bummed out, I just began running around chasing after my shadow, and trying to step on my own head.
Oh man, did I just admit to that!!?? LoL

Stepping on your own shadow

Hey, the American Sportsman
can kiss my flat white ass!

Well, I walked around for awhile, partly thinking about being the hunter and partly
about being the hunted.

I was thinking to myself, what if someone sees me out here and thinks I’m a deer or something. That muthafucka is gonna shoot my ass!

Oh shit, this sucks!

I worked myself into a fevered frenzy thinking about being mistaken for an animal.
I said to myself...

That’s it!
I’m fuckin’ outta here!
I hate this shit!

It was then that I realized that I hadn’t a clue where the fuck I was. And guess what I found out about being in the mountains?

I found out that...
there’s no fuckin’ street lights, that’s what!

It was like someone was pulling a big gigantic shade over the sun. 

Holy shit!
I’m fuckin' lost!

Panic began to sink in.

I found my steps begin to quicken, until eventually I was in a full-out run. I mean I was running like Yoda was after me with that crossbow, as low lying branches
were smackin’ me across the face.

I ran until I came across a stream. YES! I remembered a stream ran close by the trailer.

So like Grizzly fucking Adams, I began to follow the stream up the mountain.

Then, suddenly, off in the distance,
I heard gunshots. Oh fuck!

Ten thousand thoughts rushed through my melting mind all at once.

Someone was murdering Angelo
and his father-in-law!

Or... they just caught dinner for tonight!

Or... even that someone was shooting at me.

My mind was exploding with ridiculous thoughts until I came to one that made a little sense.

Maybe it was the guys, and they were shooting on purpose knowing that I was lost. Hopefully I could use the sound to guide myself
back to the trailer.

But I still couldn’t be sure.

What if I shot back?
Then the murderers would know where I was! Oh man, I was on an emotional roller coaster!
It was the microwave meltdown all over again... LoL

Well, of course that’s exactly what they were trying to do. Signal me, that is!

But I was too busy running for my life at full speed alongside the stream to make any
rational decisions at this point.

By now it was so dark in this forest from hell that even my own shadow was afraid. I must’ve unwittingly walked halfway down that damn mountain before I started back.
What an a-hole!

Finally, I began to hear their voices yelling out to me. That made me run even faster up the hill. And eventually I met up with them, after yelling back to confirm that I was still alive.

And do you know what those two assholes thought I was doing all this time?

They thought I fell asleep.

You fuckin' dickheads you!!

Here I was lookin’ like a Vietnam vet having an LSD flashback after being out in the bush twenty days running, for goodness sake.

By the time I made it back to them I had torn clothes, a bloodied, scratched up face from the branches, mud from head to toe, and sweating like a turkey on Thanksgiving eve!

And Ang said...

Didn’t you hear the shots?


Then why the fuck didn’t you shoot back to let us know you were okay asshole?

Now, how the fuck was I supposed to know that that’s what they were doing?
Look at who we’re talkin’ about here.

Just a couple minutes ago, I was trying to step on my own fucking shadow head.

On my own fucking head!

While my imagination had them both being slaughtered by some maniac. C'mon dude!

So I just gave the only logical answer
I could think of at the time...

Uuuuhhh… oh, I don’t fuckin’ know!

Then the father-in-law chimed in..

I’ll tell ya why!
Because the dickhead was sleepin’!
That’s why!

All three of us just started cracking up uncontrollably. They were laughing at me, thinking that I was a loser for snoring in the woods, and I was laughing because I was just so happy that I didn’t fucking die a horrible death on a mountainside owned by a
fucking Yoda look-alike!

Great laughs they were though. Man, was I a dickhead or what? I miss that fucker Ang. They're both gone now,

Ang and his father-in-law.
Unbelievable shit.

But I couldn’t get over how dark it got up there, and in only a matter of minutes. Bang... pitch black darkness! I’ll tell you guys what, I’m no John Rambo that’s for muthafucking sure!

I’ll be the first one to step on one of those booby traps and have those fucking bamboo spikes

ram into my balls. Ouch!

Fuck hunting!

Fuck guns!

Fuck Yoda!

Fuck that fucked up van!

And most of all, fuck the mountains!

I couldn’t get home fast enough. LoL

You know there’s one undeniable fact that I learned about myself during my backwoods, Grizzly Adams, adventure. Forget about warning shots. Don’t even think about a compass. And smoke signals were definitely out.

What I learned about myself is that I am nowhere man, I mean nowhere...

without a muthafucking STREET LIGHT
shining down upon me!