Sunday, February 16, 2014

Trust Me I'll be Right Back










Trust Me I’ll be Right Back



Bella Mama’s restaurant!


Bella Mama's restaurant after the relaunch Staten Island, NY Elm Park



This was the place that my friends Dominick and Tommy, owned. Dom was the older of the two brothers, and lemme tell ya, these two guys
were the best! And still are!


They always treated me so great, both while I was working for them, and even beyond that. So much so, that when I think back to all the shit that I pulled while working there,

I begin to feel bad. Alittle anyways... LoL


Working at the restaurant was not an easy thing to do! In any restaurant for that matter.


We busted our asses in that kitchen. And it was just so crazy, how one moment there wasn’t a soul in the place, and then within the blink of an eye, the entire dining room was packed.


We felt as though everyone waited around the corner, and agreed to all go in at the same time. Them fuckers, I know that’s what they did!


But, anyway, once that happened and the vultures were ready to be fed, all hell broke loose. Especially in the restaurant’s infancy, at the very beginning, before there was a sure-fire method of doing things. It got a little hectic to say the least. But, man was it great!


I mean, it got so crazy at times that at least once a month, either Tommy or Dom,
would fire their own mother.


Ma, that's horrid. You’re fired!


Now c’mon, that’s so fucking classic!


She was working as a waitress at the time to help out, and well, sometimes she didn’t always cut the mustard, as the brother's would say.


They were so fuckin' funny when they got mad.
But mom just took it in stride, as moms usually do, and showed up for work the very next day as though nothing had happened. And we all went right on with our duties.


She knew that the they were both
just under a lot of pressure.


And, as far as the rest of the help went,
it was like a revolving door!


I can’t begin to tell you how many dishwashers they went through. People, not machines
you knuckleheads.


It was so hysterical as I witnessed them
one by one, abandon ship
and head for the hills.


These guys were so desperate to get outta there, that they literally scaled a ten-foot high
locked fence, to do it. No, really!


They would walk out the side kitchen door, right in the middle of the dinner rush. Then, run through the alleyway alongside the building, climb the fence and they were never seen or heard from again. It was truly a vaudeville act, every fuckin' weekend. It was a brand new sitcom come to life right before our eyes!


I remember one guy used to sing into empty sauce pots to get a good echo effect for his voice. His name was Al.


When it wasn’t busy, he would serenade the patrons in the dining room, with his pot crooning. Just fuckin’ hilarious!


I can’t count how many waiters came and went. From the snooty, to the downright dumb. And, everyone got abused in one way or another. And in most if not all cases, deservedly so!


It could’ve been just some verbal abuse. But on at least one occasion, punches were actually thrown. Those were the best nights.


Watching Tommy or Dom reach over the chefs cutting counter, through the shelves stacked with plates, and grab a waiter by the throat after he'd screwed up a huge order,
was nothing short of brilliant
and Shakespearean-like.


And then, watching them try to regain their composure, and concentrate on the task at hand, was even funnier. But they both held it together and kept the engine churning with pistons hitting all the marks. They're fuckin' animals! And I mean that in the most awesome of ways! Concentration beyond belief.


The brothers began to alternate duties. Some nights, Dom did the cooking, while Tommy Matraded out front. And, other nights, Tommy was cooking, while Dominick stayed out front.


I’m tellin’ you guys, you couldn’t write a funnier sitcom script, then a Saturday night
at Bella Mama’s restarurant.


But remember now, when those moronic waiters screwed up, they were putting the success of the restaurant at risk. So, the boys had to take it personally, and kick some ass.


The bank didn’t wanna hear about, how the waiter messed up the big order. They just wanted their money! So, that’s why
Dom and Tommy didn’t take any shit!


But even though this was serious stuff, the nights were still consumed with mindless pranks.


I remember one of the dishwashers at the time, used to fuck with everyone. He would wrap a piece of wax paper around a small metal hook. Then, as you walked by him, he would latch it onto your belt, or back pocket of your pants.


But, hey, what’s so funny about that you ask? Well, that wasn’t funny. But what was funny though was when he pulled out a match,
and lit the wax paper on fire.


Now, that, my friend was fuckin’ funny!
Hilarious even.


Everything went up in flames, from pants, aprons, and even shirts. And one time, the butt end of the joke actually walked out into the dinning room before anyone could stop him.
Talk about a fire drill gone awry... LoL
That was just too fucking funny!


That joke always got a big laugh, except of course, if the joke was on you and it was your ass that was on fire. Then it sucked, and everyone who laughed at you
was just a dick, of course! LoL


I really didn’t mess up too much while working there. It was mostly the times that I had to do some pizza delivery. That’s when things
got a little outta hand.


You see, in the very beginning days of the restaurant, from day one as a matter of fact, before they expanded with new construction, a lot of pizza was sold. And guess who was nominated to be the pizza delivery boy. That’s right, me. And I was truly the worst at it.


To me it was all fun and games, but not to them though. It must’ve been heart-wrenching, watching me leave during the busiest time of the night, knowing I might not be back for a while.


You see, I had a bad habit of bumping into people I knew along the way. Afterall, this was my own neighborhood. And well, I kinda didn’t make it back to the restaurant
as fast as I should have.


I remember Tommy always giving me
the pep talk before I left.


Now Tom, don’t get lost this time. We need you back here as fast as possible!

Tom, trust me! I’ll be right back!


Famous last words, from a big fat liar!


Forty minutes later I would stroll back into the war zone, after making a delivery that should’ve taken maybe, ten. I had the same worthless
excuse every time.


Tom, man, where the fuck were ya? Look how crowded this fuckin’ place is!

Oh, man, Tom I’m sorry. But I bumped into an old friend I haven’t seen for a while.
And I just lost track a time!


And, I was telling the truth, too!


So okay, I had to park the car, and walk into our local neighborhood bar to bump into that person. But hey, we bumped nonetheless.

Where the Orchard Inn bar used to be Forest & Morningstar ave's SINY

Side of the Orchard Inn bar where the big sign hung

Orchard Inn sign
That's where our neighborhood bar once was.
The restaurant was only minutes away down the block
to the right just one traffic light away.
And that's the sign that used to hang alongside the bar.
I borrowed it one day, and well, never gave it back!


What could I do? I had’da stay for a quick beer, or three, right? Fuck, the brother’s should’ve punched me right in head. Both of them! And then thrown my ass right the fuck outta there.


But look, delivering pizza was not an easy thing to do, especially when you didn’t have a car. Right?? This was when I had recently finished my 3 year stint with the Navy and was in the process of getting my life in order. And so I would us my dad's car to deliver catering jobs
for them and used Dominick’s car
for the pizza pie deliveries.


Get this, a fucking beautiful shiny white Eldorado, with bright red leather interior.
Who was I, Tony fuckin' Manero!
(1:18 in... too funny!)


And, I used to wonder why
I never got any tips from the customers.


It took me awhile to figure out why everyone’s expression towards me changed, when they looked over my shoulder, and then asked for exact change back. It was the car, that fucking big, beautiful, shiny white, Eldorado, with the bright red interior. That’s why.


They thought that it was mine. That’s why I was never getting any tips. But, as soon as I began parking the car out of sight, the people once again thought of me as just another loser, delivering pizza pies for a living. And those tips started rollin’ in, fifty cents at a time. LoL


People are so fucking cheap, man!
I was truly a fifty-cent millionaire.
Ala Bon Scott thank you!


I remember making this one delivery during a cold winter night. I parked the car, grabbed the pie, and headed for the front door of the house.


Right away, I fucked up, because I parked the car in plain site of the house. Hey, it was winter, I forgot okay.


Well, the house wasn’t facing towards the street. It was on Trantor Place alongside the expressway between Forest & Dixon Ave's.


The front entrance was at a ninety-degree angle with the street. It had a small wooden porch, with three wooden steps leading to the top. I must’ve been in a rush or something, oh, not to make it back to the restaurant mind you.


Probably just to go meet someone at the bar!


Anyway, I ran towards the porch with the pizza in my right hand. Made my approach, and leaped onto the middle step at an angle. Now, of course, I didn’t see the ice on that middle step, did I?


Oh, no!


My body went flying into the air, ever so gracefully. But I didn’t go straight down
on my backside, though.


It all happened like a comic strip. I mean, I went up, and then my momentum sent me flying forward, not down, along with the pizza.


I yelled out, and then came to a loud crash landing, ass first, onto the porch.


Then, a split second later, here came the pie. No, it didn’t land on my head, like all of you are thinking. But it did land square as could be,
right there in front of the door.


A couple seconds after that, the door swung open. It was the owner of the house,
and he was all animated in his actions.


Oh shit!
Are you okay?
I saw you falling through the window. Then I saw the pie flyin’ through the air.
It was incredible!


I checked myself over real quick, and saw that I was okay. And then, the both of us looked at one another, then, simultaneously turned our attention downward towards the pie.


I got to my hands and knees, and crawled over to it. I then positioned myself in place to raise the cover, to see what remained of this guy’s dinner. I slowly lifted the lid, and YES, the pie was fully intact, and in perfect condition!


We just couldn’t believe it.


The both of us threw our hands in the air, and gave each other a high five. Well, a semi-high five, being that I was still on my hands & knees! 


I then closed the box, got to my feet, and handed the pie over to its new owner. Who then proceeded to pay me, and was just about ready to give me a nice tip for my troubles, when, he glanced over my shoulder, and son-of-a-bitch, saw that fuckin' car.


Well, good-bye tip! I shit you not!!!


You cheap mutherfucker you!


Unbelievable, I’ll tell ya! Even after my high-flying acrobatics, that scumbag still stiffed me. Can you believe that shit?


But wait just a minute now. That circus act of high-flying pizza pies was just the warm up to this ridiculous fuck up.
Man, was I a loser on this one!


Just listen to this,
and tell me if you don’t agree.


An order came in for a pizza pie to be delivered to the Mondello residence, on Watchogue road. This is a street in a section of Staten Island
known as, Westerleigh.


Well, as soon as I saw Mondello, and the street name, for some strange reason I automatically focused in on my aunt and uncle, who did live right off of Watchogue Road in Westerleigh.
But NOT ON, Watchogue Road... LoL


Can you hear it whispering to you
in the breeze...


LLLLOOOOSSSEEERRRRRRRRRR lololololol



I never really gave the order ticket a good look. Usually they were written so poorly, that you couldn’t read them anyway. It was just bang, oh, that’s my Uncle Frank and Aunt Ann’s house. Cool! And, I gave it no further thought.


Well, the pie was ready. Dom handed it to me, and off I went. On the way out though, Tommy gave me the oldPlease Tom, please don’t get lost. Get your ass right back here speech. I don’t think I heard that, did you? What did he say? Take your time, Tom? Whatever!


So, I hopped in the car, and drove directly to my aunt and uncle’s house. They lived on a street that was right off of Watchogue Road
like I said before.


So, I pulled up to the house, grabbed the pie, and walked up to the door. After ringing the bell,
up the stairs I went.


I received a hearty hello from both my aunt and uncle. They were quite surprised to see me, which seemed a little strange, being that they knew I would be delivering their pie,
dont’cha think?


Well, we all sat down and began to bullshit for a while. I placed the pie down on the table, and the usual conversation kicked in. We were getting caught up on the basics.


Well, about ten minutes into the delivery, I realized that no one was having any pizza. So, I told them to eat up, and not to let my presence interfere with dinner. And, that’s when my aunt said something weird. After I told them to dig in, she replied with……


Oh, no, we’re stuffed.
We just finished eating thank you.


Uummm... that's strange??


For some reason I didn’t put two and two together. Have you?


Well, right after she said that, she called out to Heather. Heather is their granddaughter, who they were baby sitting at the time. I’m not too sure of this next detail, but someone at this point finally took a slice. It might’ve even been me for all I know! I can’t recall. LoL


Now, it was about fifteen minutes into the delivery, and well, I had to get to the bar, bump into someone, have a beer and get back to the restaurant before Tommy lit my ass on fire. But, no one was coming up with any
cash yet for the pie.


I was thinkin’ to myself, just how the hell do I ask for it, without sounding too forward.


The delivery began to feel all wrong for some reason. Something just didn’t seem right.
So, I just spit it out.


Okay, it was great seein’ you guys, but, I gotta get back to the store. I just need the money
for the pie though!


I remember I said it as gentle as I could. Well, the both of them looked at one another with a strange expression on their faces. Then, Aunt Ann turned to me, and said……


But, we didn’t order the pie!


Oh, my goodness!
What did she just say?
Didn’t order the pie?!


My body went limp. Then suddenly began to transform itself into a huge penis. Bigger than life itself! I was slowly becoming Penis Boy!


I replied...


What’ta ya mean you didn’t order the pie!


Well, we just finished eating dinner. We thought you were just here for a visit, and you had brought the pie with you!


Oh man, the penis was fully erect at this point!


No wonder why this delivery was feeling strange. It wasn’t a delivery at all.
It was a fucking visit!


Oh ooooohhhhhh!!!!
Squirt, squirt, and squirt!
I’ve reached climax!


I quickly reached into my pocket and pulled out the order ticket and gave it a good look.


Oh crap!
This says Mondello, Watchogue Road.
Oh shit, it must be Michael,
and he’s over Dawns house!


Dawn, was my brother Michael’s girlfriend. And, she lived right around the corner from where I was, and a few blocks down on Watchogue Road. Now, why I automatically thought
of my aunt and uncle, I’ll never know.


See, I told you pizza delivery was hard!


So, I picked up the phone and called Dawn’s house. I got a hold of Michael, and he was wondering where the hell I was. They ordered this thing almost two hours ago by now.


Well, Mike, we got a little problem here! I kinda delivered your pie to Uncle Frank and Aunt Ann’s house by mistake. LoL


He wasn’t all too thrilled with this revelation, but kept his cool. Then, I really tested his brotherly love with this next line.


Well, look, the pie’s missin’ a piece, and it’s a little cold. Do you still want it?


Oh, he really liked that one. And yes, he said that he still wanted that cold, piece missing, hunk of dough and cheese! And, like the dick that I was, I still made him pay full price for it. Now that's brotherly love! Hell, I didn't have any fuckin' money. And someone was going to have to pay for that bitch. LoL


Well, my pizza delivery career didn’t last too much longer, because the restaurant expanded and they got rid of all pizza pie type products. And became a full-fledged restaurant which now meant, more waiters, busboys, dishwashers,
and most of all, headaches!


The fun was really about to start now.


Ma... you're fired!! LoL


Love those 2 muthafucka's!!