Friday, May 15, 2015

Bionic Ears

Bionic Ears

I don’t know if it’s a blessing, or a curse.
But, I could hear Hop Sing pass wind from China, if I put my ear to the ground!

Hop Sing getting yelled at by Ben Cartwright (Lorne Greene) & Adam Cartwright (Pernell Roberts) for passing wind while still at the Ponderosa ... LoL

No really!
If he left the boys of Bonanza and the grassy rolling hills of the Ponderosa behind and headed back home to the Great Wall of China,
I'd still hear it!

I think I’m part wolf or something. Because I hear sounds, pings & pangs, rattles & rings that just annoy the fuck outta me, that most people don’t seem to hear. Or, at least they don’t let bother them, like a normal human being. LoL

C’mon, when you’re tryin’ to sleep or watch your favorite guilty pleasure on TV, dont'cha get distracted when you hear clocks ticking loudly, water endlessly dripping, or the worst one yet, the neighbors dog barking!

Well, I don’t know if it’s just me or not, but I can’t stand to hear anything so annoying as those things when I’m relaxing. And the bad part about it is that I hear it all.


I’m fucking bionic boy!

I’m so loonie that I once returned two brand new, twenty-five inch televisions, because they made some kind of humming noise.
Retarded right!?

I brought the first one home, and set it up in the bedroom. It hummed, got thrown back in the box, and returned to the store.
It never had a chance!

Brought the second one home, it also hummed at me, and it also went for a ride. Came back from the store with a third brand new unit. Set it up, and of course, this fucker hummed
just as loud as the first two.

But by this time though, I was a beaten man. I just couldn’t get myself to drive back to that store. I now hated all Japanese people! LoL

Couldn’t they just build a television
without the fucking hum?
I’m glad Godzilla stomped
on their fuckin’ asses back in the day!
(before the flat screens became mainstream)

So... I am now currently living with a 25 inch humming television set in my bedroom that I wanna throw out the window on a nightly basis. (years back when I was married)

My only solace comes in the form of hope.
The hope that fuckin’ Godzilla comes back from out of the sea, and stomps on their tiny little Japanese penises once again!
Hear me roar!!

Godzilla coming back to do Tommy's bidding! LoL

Oh, I’m out there man!
I’m really out there somewhere.
Just Cosmo Kramer and myself!

Hey, don’t laugh.
You people are just as loonie as I am.
C’mon now, don’t you even sit there and tell me that when you’re sleeping on a blissful, sleepy Sunday morning, with the window wide open, that the 14 thousand chirping birds outside of said window doesn’t just make your asshole pucker with tension.

Then you’re a liar if you say it doesn’t.
And yes, indeed, your pants are on fire!!

Maybe it doesn’t tick you off for the entire morning. But I bet it definitely does when suddenly, for some odd reason, that first cheerful chirp penetrates the sanctuary of your silent slumber and lights the fuse leading to that tension-filled puckered asshole... LoL
I bet!!

Because after you’ve heard that first chirp,

it’s like taking your finger from the dyke,
or even taking that first piss
during a long night drinking beers.

Either way, the fluid is gonna fly, and the proverbial floodgates have now been opened my friend. And from that point on, you won’t be able to get those chicken-like chirping feathered fucks outta your head.

Now that you realize they’re out there and your urinary tract has been breached, it’s all over baby! Rise and shine, you nature lovin’ a-hole, you. It’s time to pee!

You don’t fool me.
I know you want to put a churning chainsaw to that feather-infested tree as bad as I do. Or even better, to grab a handful of rocks, and start taking those little bastards out one by one.

But save yourself the trouble. I’ve tried that, and it’s impossible to hit those little pricks. Wish I could say the same about my neighbor’s car! Ooops, sorry ‘bout that! I was aiming for the birds. Don't ask... LoL

There have been so many other annoyances that I've come across over the years, but I'll save you guys from them for now. And even though some moments at times have been nothing short of a symphony of distractions... LoL... there's still just one more... really, just one more moment...
that I have to share with you!

Thus far, the humming TV's and those silly birds truly have been nightmarish, but...

they can never hold a candle to what I'm about
to tell you. It's ridiculous, even for me!

And even though in my opinion it's not as bad as that dreaded "Common Senseless Microwave" breakdown, oh man, remember that!!??

It does come in a very very close second!

It happened while I was living with my brother Michael and his wife Dawn, in a two family home.

My ex Lynn and I lived upstairs, and well, this episode occurred during the middle of the night, when we were fast asleep.

With the emphasis on the were, fast asleep.

The neighborhood that we lived in on Staten Island was really quiet at night. So, sleeping with the window open was never a problem, usually!

But on this one particular night, the gods of noise rallied together, and sent their wrath

upon my heavenly slumber.

And that wrath came in the form of a cricket.

One little fucking cricket!

You would have been amazed at the amount of noise that this one little, sneaky, slimy

cricket made.

And this sucka was no dummy either.

He had more brains than most of the guys
that I worked with at the time!
And as it turns out, his I.Q. was even a bit higher than my own as well... LoL

Okay, here it goes.

As I said, Lynn and I were in bed watching some television. We set the timer on the TV, and eventually both fell asleep. Then, about an hour later, I found myself awoken by a strange sound coming from outside the window.

It was so bad that I had to get up outta bed, and walk towards it. I was just drawn to that damn sound as if it were Dracula, putting me under

a spell or in a trance.

Well, once I got to the window, I then realized that it wasn’t black-capped Dracula at all trying

to lure me into his dark demented world,
but rather it was a cricket.

A mutha F'ing cricket!

Looking back on it now, I would have preferred Dracula's trance instead!

And now that it, the sound, had my attention,

something had to be done about it.

So, with just a T-shirt on,

slightly torn underwear...
(oh be quiet will ya! I already got the girl)
... and a pair of sneakers,
I ran downstairs to kick some cricket ass.

At this point that fucker was goin’ a mile a minute, and was driving me insane. But, as soon as I got within about 15 feet of where the noise was coming from, he stopped.

That bitch knew I was comin’ to get him!

So, I just stood there for a few moments,

in hopes that he would start up again.
Oh my goodness, did I just say
that I actually stood there waiting!! LoL

He didn’t make a sound. Not so much as a peep. Well, not until I turned around, and went back into the house that is.

I was walking back up the stairs when I heard him start up again. That prick!

So back outside I ran to kill that sneaky bastard.

But, just like before, he clammed up when I got within 15 feet or so away. Man, I was dealing with a cocky cricket here. That bitch was laughing at me. I could just feel it.

This time I stood there for an entire 5 full minutes. Which is a very... very, long time when you’re standing there in just a T-shirt,

slightly torn underwear and sneakers,
at two o’clock in the morning.

But again, nothing.

Not one crick!
That prick.

I went through this comical routine yet again after that, with the very same results. And if I'm not mistaken, isn't that the meaning of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over again,

while expecting a different result!!

Oh man, I was getting my ass kicked by a

fucking cricket!!!!!!!!!

My arch enemy... the crafty cricket!!

So, I finally gave up, and headed back upstairs.
I climbed into bed, got under the covers and cricket, cricket, cricket...........!

I couldn’t believe it.

This guy was simply unbelievable
and now truly my new-found nemesis!

But, he had no idea with whom he was dealing with. I was not going to just sit back, and let a fucking insect make a fool outta me! Lord knows I don’t need any help in that department.

So, it was now go time!

Let the games begin.

Once again, I climbed outta bed, slipped my sneakers on, and headed back downstairs.

Shhhhuu, I’m hunting kwicket!

Elmer Fudd hunting kwickets!

By the time I made it downstairs and out the door, I was fuming, and pissed off as all hell.

It was now 2:30 in the morning, and I was fighting a losing battle to a cricket.

It don’t get no worse than this folks.

I hope!

And with the score being 3 to nothing in the cricket’s favor, I had to make a drastic move.

It was the bottom of the ninth, 2 outs,
bases loaded, and we were down by 3.
You know that I was swingin’ for the fences
on this at bat!

Just like the previous 3 times, that big-mouthed mutha shut his trap, as I got within 15 feet or so. But this time, I didn’t let that throw me.

I tossed all logical thinking aside.

As if I ever had any to begin with.
It was time to get primal.

So, I just lined myself up at the beginning of the grass, and began stomping.

I stomped the entire length of that green patch which was about 30 feet in length,

by about 3 feet wide.

There wasn’t a blade of grass that didn’t now have an imprint of my size 10 and a half sneaker on it. I was taking no prisoners at this point. There was only room for one annoying lunatic fuck in this town, and that was me!

Someone had’ta go!

It was High Noon at the Mondello ranch...
... draw muthafucka!

And as I took my last stomp, I listened,

and not a sound was heard.
Well, maybe the hum from that streetlight. LoL

But anyway, hold on a minute here.

I’ve been fooled by this very same silence
several times before.

So, I waited, and waited, and still, not a sound. But just in case, I waited sa’more. I stood there for about a good 15 minutes like a complete... and utter... retard.

With slightly torn underwear!

Suddenly, I was feeling pretty good about myself.

Could you image that!

Am I outta my mind, or what?
I actually just admitted to feeling good about myself for stomping 90 square feet of greenery
to death at 2:30 in the fucking morning
looking like an escapee from Bellevue.



I finally decided that it was safe, and I returned to my crypt to complete my beauty sleep. Lynn was laughing and calling me a lunatic, of course.

But I didn’t even care.

Because I just hit a Grand Slam homerun, and kicked the shit outta that noisy little bastard!

I mean, I stomped that bitch to kingdom come!

Bottom line here was the final score.

Tommy the retard... 4!

Cricket... DEAD!


Don’t even try to rationalize my actions. You’ll only hurt yourself. Also, don’t think that these stories aren’t rubbing off on you people either.

You’ll see!

The very next time you hear a high-pitched
siren-like squeal causing your ears to bleed,
you’ll suddenly have a strange yearning to
disassemble a microwave.

Or maybe the wife and/or girlfriend will look down at your feet during a rousing romping session and begin cracking up with laughter as she realizes you're still wearing your socks... your black socks!

Or even worse, the next time you hear a cricket in the dead of night, you just might find yourself standing in your backyard, with nothing on but your slightly ripped underwear ‘n sneakers, stomping for dear life!

Welcome to my world mutha F'ers!

Welcome to my world!

Whoops, hold on…

I think Hop Sing's at it again.

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