Sunday, January 26, 2014

Pins & Needles... Needles & Pins

Never again!

And let's just leave it at that.

Pins & Needles
Needles & Pins

Raise your hand if you’ve ever gotten a tattoo.

And, I don’t mean one of those temporary jobs that wash away when you take your weekly shower either. You smelly bastard, you!

I mean the real deal.
You know, the kind that would cause
your mother to freak out.

Well, my hand is in the air as well.
I’ve got the word smile, on my right shoulder. Pretty corny I know.

I got it while I was still stationed in Millington, Tenn. You should see it. The colors are all faded, and it’s hard to see now. Pretty bootleg! And, to tell you the truth, if I knew what I had to go through to get it I would’ve never gotten one.

Tommy Mondello "smile" tattoo
So stupid right... lol

It took me a couple of weeks to decide what I wanted some dirty, smelly, biker,
to scratch into my skin.

I was lookin’ at drawings, lettering, pretty much anything my eyes came in contact with. Just waiting for that one thing to jump out and say...
Hey dude, over here.
I would go perfect with
those good looks of yours!
Oh shutup! LoL

Well, much to my dismay, nothing jumped out. Not one thing caught my eye. So, I decided

to create my own design.

I began to scribble down some words, and viola! Smile! It was something that I was adding to the end of all the poetry I was writing in boot camp and such. So I already had

a connection and comfort with it.

But, lemme tell ya, this was the easy part by far. The actual tattooing process
was a nightmare.

When I finally did make up my mind
to go and get my ink done.
(Yeah, getting ink. That’s what us tough guys who have tattoos call it. Even though mine is barely a tattoo!)
And again... oh shutup! LoL

Well when my mind was made up I walked to the main road, stuck my thumb out into the breeze, and hitched my way to the tattoo parlor. And, with my smile drawing in hand, I slowly opened the front door, and walked in.

To tell you the truth, the parlor wasn’t nearly as bad as I had imagined it would be. But, don’t get me wrong, I wouldn’t eat my lunch anywhere near this fuckin' place either.

I approached this big leather-clad dude, with tattoos all over his body. I didn’t know where the clothes ended, and where the ink began. And, it would be this animal that was going to be the one to ink my shoulder. Oh, lucky me.

I always fantasized about some beautiful, buxom biker chick writing on my body while her big babygirl boobies were bouncing back 'n forth before me, not fuckin’ sasquatch.

Anyways, back to reality, I handed him my design, and told him exactly where

I wanted the work done.

He then pointed me to an open chair.

Now, as I sat down, just to the left of me in another chair was a... woman, I think, already getting tattooed. But in no way, was she my fantasy buxom beauty either.

This thing could’ve kicked my ass

just by lookin’ at me!

I’m sure I would just cower with fear,

just from her ferocious stare alone.
Scary chick, dude. Fuckin' scary.

She was getting some kind of huge mess, etched onto her arm. And man, did it look like it hurt.

My eyes began welling up with pain,
and I was only observing.

I mean the tattoo gun was on fire. Ink was covering her arm by the quart it seemed. I could see the discomfort in her face. But she remained stern and unaffected. I began to wonder if mine would take such a toll.

Well, soon I would find out, as Sasquatch had returned and was ready to go to work.

He first used a pen, and drew the design onto my shoulder. Then he held up a couple of mirrors to let me view the work for the final approval

before the ink began to fly.

The drawing was an exact match to what I had given him. So, I just said...

Looks good! Let’s go for it!

Like if it was bad, I was gonna argue with this animal? He probably could’ve drawn a jackass on my shoulder, and I would’ve said

that it looked okay!

Man, I’m tellin’ ya, this was some nerve-racking stuff goin’ on here. And mind you, I was drop dead sober at the time! Fuck, I want a drink right this very second just reliving this nightmare... LoL

Anyway, he then put the pen down, and picked up the ink gun. And then...

Oh shit!
Fuck, that hurts man!


OMG... I'm such a fuckin' pussy!!!

Thank goodness, I would never see

these fuckin' people ever again in my life.

As sasquatch began the assault on my poor defenseless skin, I just couldn’t believe

how much it hurt.

Even that woman thing next to me getting the Mona Lisa of tattoo's scratched into her arm turned, and shot me a look as to say...

You little fucking pussy boy!
Get the fuck outta my sight,
before I swat you like a fly!

No, really, that’s what I got from the look she sent my way! Fuckin’ nasty thing, she was. I bet she had a bigger cock than I did between her woman thing legs. Oooo I hated that manly bitch. But, I was afraid of her even more, so I didn't say anything to her. Hey, she was mean,

so be quiet! LoL

And so like I said, I just kept my mouth shut and didn't send any malice in her direction. Hey, I could deal with being a big crybaby wallowing within a web of embarrassment. But, getting my ass kicked by a chick with a bigger dick than me, well, that would've been a tough one

to recover from. But I digress.

The assault on my shoulder continued. And really, I am such a pussy, because you should see the size of the tattoo. It’s tiny!


Five small letters,

with a heart dotting the “I”.

But it felt as though someone was slicing my shoulder open. Reaching in all the way to my balls, then pulling said balls right the fuck outta me with their bare hands.

I would rather go to the fuckin’ dentist then have another tattoo etched onto my body.

I once again turned to see what kind of stare I was getting from woman thing.

But, there was no disgusted stare this time.

No mean looking, hate my wimpy guts glare. Nope! Now, something even worse
was heading my way.

Now, there was just flat out laughter.

Fuck me, dude!
Flat out... fucking... frivolity!

I was being laughed at by something resembling swamp thing, for crap sake.

I was surprised that the damn ink had the nerve to leave the gun, and stick to her arm, that ugly muthafucka which that she was!! LoL

Oh my goodness I'm such an idiot.

Listen to me? Idiot.

By now, I had some water build up in my eyes.

I didn’t wanna well-up, but I couldn’t stop it.
Has that ever happened to you?

The ink gun was torture, man!

I didn’t wanna cry, but those fucking tears just started to build up. Fuck, if I only had a camera with me right then and there. That would have been the funniest photo of ALL time! No caption needed. Not one word would have to be written!

You would just need to see ugly woman thing looking at me and laughing hysterically while I just sat there swelling up like a tampon.

(This could very well be the greatest line I have ever
written in my entire fucking life thus far... LoL)
While sasquatch,
oblivious to everything around him,
just kept taking my tattoo virginity.
Funniest photo ever, no doubt!

Eventually though, the nightmare did end.

The ink was done, my pride was gone,
and I couldn’t get outta that fuckin' place
fast enough.

What an experience it was!

I walked out the door, leveled my thumb back out into the breeze, and headed back to the start.

Then I promptly made my way to the local bar and ordered up the, I’m a tough guy who just got himself a tattoo special! That would be a Budweiser, to you tattooless weenies.

Okay so, I may have shed a tear or two in the tattoo parlor, but hey, I did it didn't I? I actually went through with it and got a tattoo. And... it was probably the most, insignificant thing,

that I have ever done in my life!
Up to that point mind you.

Just another adventure to add

to the growing list.

Oh man, that woman thing was horrible.

She was actually laughing at me
right to my muthafucking face. LoL

Cold chills muthafucka, I get the cold chills

every time I think about that experience.

I'm welling up right now as a matter of fact!

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