Saturday, April 4, 2015

Fat











Fat


Call it what you will...
blubber,
the battle of the bulge,
love handles,
two tons of fun,
or even my all time favorite... husky!


Fuckin' husky, man.
That was one of my nicknames
as a kid growing up.


This was me as a kid... fuckin' Husky!  LoLoL

So okay, I was big-boned.
And okay, I liked to eat as well!


I posted a blog entry earlier
mentioning how
I became a human Zamboni machine
whenever I wore corduroy
pants in the snow.


So, I've been there my friend, I've been there!!



I had no intentions whatsoever of tackling this subject, until I just remembered a very funny thing that happened to me
out on a local hiking path.


And although I'm not a fat guy right now,

I felt like a big 'ole fatso after this quick
and incredibly funny incident.


There I was jamming through the woods as I usually do on my favoritenot enough time to hit the big path so this one is perfect trail.



I had my cd Walkman in hand.

That's right I said Walkman!


Fuck you ipod usin' a-holes!

(Remember... analog man stuck in a digital world?)


The headphones were blasting out some Aerosmith when I came upon a couple

who were out walking their dog.


It caught me a bit by surprise because I recall that I was looking down at the time,

wrapped up in my own little world.


So the dialog we had between us happened real fast... bang bang! I'm cracking up right now thinking about what that big fuck said to me.



What a douche.



If he wasn't so fucking huge I would have...

well I would have done something.


So okay I couldn't get thekick his ass words outta my mouth. One must know one's limitations!



Too funny.



Now this guy was like the mythical Norse god Thor, I shit you not.



Gigantic guy I crossed paths with on the trail... fuckin' Thor... LoL


While his companion was just your average ordinary non god-like chick.


But the guy, fuck, he was like 6' 5”, blonde, muscles bursting through every inch of his asshole Nordic fucking skin.



Gigantic!



Well I was about ten feet or so away from them when I finally looked up and saw them. And without much hesitation, after the initial jolt of suddenly having someone in front of me, I pulled my headphones down and just blurted out,

with not an ounce of thought...


Holy shit dude!

What the fuck!
I've been lookin' for those muscles
for 52 fuckin' years now.
And all this time YOU fuckin' had them.


The non god-like chick just chuckled.



But not Thor.



By now we were already passed one another as our steps never halted. And as I was looking back over my shoulder at the thunderous hammer-welding muthafucka, said muthafucka, mirrored my move while grinning ear to ear.



And with a whimsical tone, tried his best to torment my ego with these words of wisdom...



Sorry dude!

Try eatin' a salad
and hit the gym girlie-man.


LoL... LoL... LoL...

That mutha F'er just called me a girlie man!
That comic strip come to life grinning dickhead.


And oh yeah, the non god-like chicks' chuckle

had now transformed into a...


...“thats right you loser,
I'm suckin' the monstrous cock
of a muthafuckin' GOD... dude”... giggle.


Oh you little whore you.

I hope you choke on it... LoL


Fuckin' Thor just told me to eat a fuckin' salad and hit the fuckin' gym!



Too fuckin' funny.



I was just glad that he didn't whip out his hammer and pummel me because I just snapped those words out.



They flew right outta my mouth without a filter. I'm lucky that he was a good sport.



And truth be told, my ego didn't feel a thing.

It just made me workout harder!


But as I walked on, it hit me that another funny thing occurred, true to the chubbiness theme, right here on this very same path where Thor just pretty much called me a fat chick.


Well that's what I heard,
I dunno about you?


Now here's where I have to ask you all to summon up your very best
Andrew “Dice” Clay impression.
Believe me... it will definitely
enhance the moment.


Just a day or two prior to accosting Thor, I was walking along this very path, in the very same manner, at the very same spot in which I met Thor and his non god-like monstrous cock sucking whore of a girlfriend.


When suddenly I came upon this young chubby chick on her knees blowing some dude as he was leaning up against a wooden railed fence.


How funny is that?


As soon as she saw me she jumped to her feet from her kneeling position and began wiping off her mouth in a shroud of embarrassment.


The dude never even blinked,
just kept right on leaning.


And what did I say?


Well without even missing a step, removing my headphones, or even looking at them for that matter I just calmly said this,
ala Andrew “Dice” Clay...


Oooow... don't let me stop ya honey!
Get back down there little girl
and finish the job!! Back to work.
Oooow!!


LoL... I'm such a dick!


Needless to say she went on strike and refused to head back down to the salt mine.
Sorry 'bout that dude.


Whats with that spot of the trail anyways. First some free porn, then Thor. Can't wait to see
what happens next!


Well now that I've told you that little bit, I can't recall what the hell the other thing was that I wanted to tell you about this chubby subject?


Oh wait I remember,
getting fat, that's right.


Now look, don't you dare think for one second that I'm beating up on fat people from up atop some “thin” ivory tower.


Not me muthafucka.


I have to scratch 'n claw at that jiggling mass of flesh as much as the next guy has to. I'm not one of those lucky sons'a bitches who never gains an ounce of weight no matter what they eat,
or how little they excessive.


I get fat from even thinking about a fuckin'
jelly doughnut for crying out loud!


So I can say whatever the fuck I want to about the subject. Because well, the second I stop working out, and trying to eat right, is the very second I will become fat...ter... again.


And proof of that quick transformation came in the months during some down time while recuperating from surgery.


Oh man, talk about something sneaking up on you. For almost an entire 2 months plus, I pretty much stopped working out all together and ate anything on the menu.



Any menu!



It was a nice slow transformation from an

in-shape 34 waist to who knows how huge I got. But of course I didn't even realize I was gaining.


Has that ever happened to you?



I was too busy slurping down every type of sauteed restaurant meals you could think of, almost every fucking night. Oh man was it a glorious time... LoL



Thick, heavy and delicious,

every fucking bite of it.


Junior... get the honey!

(The honey talk starts at the 5:30 mark... LoL)


Remember that line from the movie Fatso?

One of the funniest cinema scenes ever!!


Well that was me.

I ate and ate like there was no tomorrow. But yet it didn't feel as though I had become the glutton from hell. I always convinced myself that all was well, and that I was just splurging a bit. I had no idea of the expansion that was going on.


Until, came the day it hit me.



The moment that I finally realized what a fat fuck I had become.



The day I couldn't fit into my work pants!



LoLoLoLoL

Oh man, I'm such an a-hole.


I purchased all my new uniform pants & shirts for the year prior to the surgery. All with the very same waist size of 34. This way I could have a fresh start post surgery.



Can you feel the nightmare brewing yet?



Well come Monday morning, my first day back after a few months of down time, I go to slip on my brand new pair of un-stretched, unwashed, uncomfortable, tight-fitting uniform pants.



I shit you not,

but I couldn't get them past
my fucking thighs!!


Past my THIGHS!



Just like what happened to Ross

in the bathroom scene with the leather pants
from that “Friends” episode.


LoLoLoL



I freaked out at first.

But then thought, wait, lemme just go grab one of my old pairs. The worn out ones that were stretched and comfortable.


OH FUCK!

I completely forgot that I threw them all out! FUCK!


And so I pulled and pulled until I somehow got most of myself inside the new pants.



Most.



I couldn't even get the zipper up

one fucking notch.


You fat fuck you!

More sauteed pasta anyone?
Oh man... it was brutal.


But I somehow survived the day without incident. But lemme tell ya, I was one wrong move away from mooning everyone.
That's how tight they were.


I actually heard the seams screaming in pain!



And for the next several months, as punishment, I squeezed my fat ass into those skinny muthafuckers for allowing myself
to become a fat fuck. And not allowing myself
to purchase a larger size.


Each morning I would somehow shift my now filled heavy cream'd Fettuccine Alfredo flesh from side to side, enough to be able to wrap the brand new gigantic belt I had to purchase
around said flesh.


I was determined to embarrass myself

back into shape. And it worked.


But ya know, there was one positive outlook that came from all of this fat and tightness. And that was that the pants were so tight, clinging to me and all, that they made my package

seem gigantic!


Ya know, my junk.
My frank 'n beans.
My dick you idiots, my dick!!! LoL


Just like when I had
the baby pit bull head in my pants!


And well, I suffered like this until I slowly made my way back down to that 34 waist and was able to finally slip into those new pants
without a problem.


Only now, my package sort of lost some girth now that it has some room to roam in there.



Shucks.



It was fun havin' a big dick for awhile though. Without having to ingest any "cock" pills

this time around. LoLoL oh the horror... LoL




That fuckin' guy called me a fat... chick!!
LoL