Sunday, March 15, 2015

Skin Deep... So, 2 Guys Walk into a Strip Joint...


Skin Deep...

So, 2 Guys
Walk into a Strip Joint...

This story involves my friend Billy Scire,
who was my partner in crime during
our crazy Paris, France adventure
in seach of Jim Morrison's gravesite.
And believe me, it’s hilarious.

Okay, here we go.

Billy was about a week away from taking that plunge into wedlock, and well,
we had to celebrate that fact.

So, what better excuse was there to head for the nearest nudie bar, right?
And so that’s exactly what we did.

We jumped into the car,
and snuffed out some bare-assed titties!

We ended up at a place called the Black Garter. Now, this place wasn’t exactly the
Garden of Eden by any stretch of the imagination. It was but a tiny slice of hell off the beaten track in Staten Island, New York.

So, your typical shit hole!

Most of the clientele there were local boys
on lunch breaks, along with a sprinkling
of undesirables, which gave a certain
edge to the joint.

Then, there was us!

Two big damn dummies,
just completely out of their element.

We were having a grand time though. The beers were goin’ down fast and smooth. The DJ was playing all sorts of loud, hard rock music, while I kept feeding Billy dollar bills so he could tend to business with the bare-assed titties.

We were getting pretty drunk, and I guess a little out of hand. Billy stayed stationary at the bar, while I was running back and forth to the DJ booth, yelling out my musical requests.

It was truly a man’s world for those few hours. Beer, big ole’ titties, and loud rock music!

It was the Triple Crown of Manhood. Sometimes, the world just makes total sense, doesn’t it?

But, as all of us know, a perfect world was not meant to last. And, all of the sudden, our bright, shiny, sunny day, had become
overcast and gloomy.

You see, Billy went one step too far
and we were suddenly asked to leave.

Oh fuck,
it doesn't get ANY worse,
then being asked to leave
the fucking Black Garter strip joint... LoL

Oh man, it was just so stupid.
I kept feeding Billy dollar bills to give to the girls like I said, right. Well, this one girl came out
and he called her over
while waving a dollar in his hand.

Now, usually when the girl comes over, you gave her some kind of compliment, or just drooled a lot as she shoved her big smelly ass in your face.

But for some reason, Billy didn’t throw a compliment out. Instead, as the girl came closer he said...

Hey, here’s a dollar.
Can you put your clothes BACK ON!

Hahahaha I can't stop laughing... LoL

Can you believe that shit?

We just started to laugh and toasted our testosterone-filled manhood. But then,
about three or four minutes after that,
I got a tap on my shoulder.

I turned around in a semi-drunken stupor, and saw a gigantic wall of colors, and tattoo’s.

And standing within those tattoos, was the biggest, muthafuckin’ guy, I have ever seen
in my muthfuckin' life!

Luckily I was too drunk to have all my faculties working properly, because I would’ve shit myself for sure!

I reached down for some courage,
and actually spoke to the wall.

Uuuh, whaz up man?

And, much to my surprise, the wall spoke back.

It said, calmly as could be, and in a real deep, confident voice...

I think its time for you two boys to leave!

That’s right, you heard correctly!


Imagine, getting kicked out of a fuckin’ low-class titty bar. Man, that just pissed me off to no end. Who the fuck was this asshole to tell us to leave?

Just because we told some sloppy hooker

to put her clothes back on.

Fuck this!

I’m gonna say something to this fucking gorilla! And, I let him have it……


(Oh be quiet... he was fuckin’ huge, dude!)

I really gave him hell didn’t I?
Fuck me; I was just so relieved that he didn’t punch us both out right there on the spot!

Other than that, I could think of absolutely no other reason to open my mouth to the wall.

Okay, was the only thing I could think of.

And, I’ll bet money, that if either one of us had said anything other than that, then yes, those two big fucking fists of fury would’ve been crash landing square on our faces. LoL Ouch!

I grabbed Billy and said,

let’s get the fuck outta here!

But, just as we reached the exit, I suddenly felt my balls begin to swell with testosterone.

Well alright, it was probably just the beer.

But anyway, I felt the need to roll the dice just one more time. So I turned towards the wall of colors and tattoos, tried to compose my drunken self as best I could, and said...

You’re lucky mannnn!

Iffff you had one lessssss tattooooooo…………
I’d kick your fuckin’ asssss……… maaaannn!!

After realizing what the fuck I had just said to this maniac, we quickly pushed opened the exit doors, and the both of us stumbled out

into the parking lot.

It was almost as if we were a modern day

Butch Cassidy and Sundance Kid,
in a mentally challenged sort of way of course,
as we crashed through the doors and into
the bright afternoon sunlight
with guns a fuckin' blazing.

Tommy Mondello "Cassidy" and Billy Scire "The Kid" running for their lives out of the Black Garter strip joint on Staten Island, NY
Tommy Mondello "Cassidy" and Billy Scire "The Kid" running for their lives out of the Black Garter strip joint on Staten Island, NY

I wasn’t sure if we were going to get ambushed outside or not, so I just shoved Billy into the car and took off like a bat outta hell!

Laughing the whole way, of course!

Ya know, that just may have been testosterone after all!

Nahhh…… who the fuck am I kidding?

I’m almost certain testosterone

doesn’t come from a tap!
Beer-balls for sure!

So, that was pretty funny, right?

Getting drunk, hearing great music with titties flying all around, then telling that one girl
to put her clothes... back on.

Somewhat cruel, but funny!

Well, like I mentioned in prior stories,

What goes around comes around!

I’m tellin’ ya, the powers that rule over us are just so unpredictable, and downright incredible!

And, here’s why.

A day or two after we both got the boot from the bar, Billy had a bachelor party. It was a bunch of guys in an upstairs room, above some neighborhood bar on Bay Street,

in Staten Island, NY.

There was a lot of booze, and about fourteen slices of some kind of mystery meat cold cuts, and a roll!

So, your typical bachelor party, right?

I drove there with Gregg,

minus the Members Only jacket of course.

I remember everyone standing around,

bull-shiting, laughing and drinking. We were all waiting for the stripper to arrive
and get the party going.

Well, eventually she did arrive. And before she came out, everyone got in a big circle, and put Billy in the middle sitting in a chair.

Someone pushed the play button on the girl’s radio and loud music began to play.

Out came the stripper, dancing her way towards Billy. And, you’re never going to guess

who the girl was.

That’s right!

It was the fucking stripper from the nudie bar

my friends!!! LoL The SAME fucking chick!!!
Could you imagine... lolololol

Holy muthafucking shit!

Just two days ago he had told this girl to put her clothes back on, and now, she was performing

at his bachelor party!

Oh, man, it was so funny.

You just can't make this stuff up!

Billy turned to Gregg and me, and was just dying. When the girl got close enough, she realized that it was Billy, the hooker insulter!

A disgusted, and surprised look, came over her face. She remembered exactly who Billy was!

She said...

That’s right!

You remember me from the other day?
You told me to put my clothes back on!

Oh man, Billy just wanted to die. LoL

He felt like a complete dick!

But if memory serves right, the girl didn't look for any revenge to restore her tattered pride. She just gave Billy a rather quick, half-hearted

lap dance and then Billy's brother jumped
into the hot seat for his turn.

I can't believe that the chick
actually stayed and performed!

Now that's a trooper!!

Or... just a broke, desperate stripper
who needed the cash.

But, could you imagine this?

Fifty million muthafucking strippers in the world, and look who his brother picked out to come walking through that fucking door!

Man, you can’t get away with anything in this world. Somehow, somewhere,

someone, is gonna getcha!

Life is just one big episode

of Candid Camera isn't it?!