Sunday, August 31, 2014

Proper Etiquette... Not Really My Strong Point









Proper Etiquette...
Not Really My Strong Point


When I say Walt Disney World,
what do you think of right off the bat?


Why, fun and laughter of course!


It’s an incredible place to visit isn’t it!?


So okay, my ex Lynn and myself decided to take a trip down south to see Mickey and the rest of the characters, for our tenth wedding anniversary back in 1998.


We booked our vacation at one of the

Premier Hotels on the Disney grounds,


Now, pay particular attention to the spa portion, because that’s where the magic happens.


The hotel was nothing short of spectacular. We were definitely in over our heads, but we said, fuck it! Let’s see how the other half lives for a change. And man, do they live well.


Everyone on the grounds had a big-ass smile for us, and pretty much gave us anything we wanted. And that’s just the way I want it while on vacation. I bust my ass all year round

catering to others.


So, when it’s time for me to kick back and be served, I don’t want the help from hell serving me. I wanna see nuthin' but smiling faces.

You know what I mean?


I’ve been on vacations where the help made you actually feel bad when you asked for something. Hey dickhead, I’m the reason you have a fuckin’ job! So mix my drink, make my bed, and cook my dinner you ungrateful muthafucka you!


Oh, sorry, lets get back to our happy place. LoL


Well, that’s what’s so great about Disney.


Everyone smiles!


And I mean everyone!


Even the ones that hate their job smile at you. It’s like the land of happy and polite robots,

and I love it.


This was truly a beautiful hotel. There was even some dignitary from a foreign country staying in the gigantic suite, one floor above. And man,

it was all very impressive.


There were temporary video cameras mounted throughout the floor, with secret service guys at every corner. This was either the safest place in the world to be, or the most dangerous. Depending on your luck I guess.


One of the coolest things that happened
during our stay was our first trip to the


We had taken the tram to the front entrance. Now, if you’ve ever been there before, I’m sure you’ve noticed all of the individual 6-sided red bricks with people’s names engraved on them, that made up the walkway. They were really

very cool.


Well, as we were walking over the bricks, I remember saying something like they must be for rich people, or possibly people

who made donations to the park.


And as we were walking along, we came to the booth that actually sold the bricks.


Lynn suggested that we take a stroll over and look into just how they were distributed.

So we did.


I remember walking up to the window and noticing that they had a brick out on display. I paid no attention to it at first. But then, upon further inspection, I realized

I was looking at my name!


It read...
Tommy Mondello
It’s the best
Luv Lynn… 9-10-98


My brick at Disney



September 10, 1998 was our anniversary.
It’s the best, was something that I was saying
alot at the time in my conversation.


Well, I just freaked out.


Hey, that brick has my name on it!


The ladies behind the counter thought I was nuts. They didn’t know that Lynn had purchased the brick for me as a surprise. In their minds they were like, no shit asshole. You paid us a hundred bucks to engrave it. At least that’s what their expressions were telling me.


It felt so cool holding my very own brick. And if any of you ever end up at Disney’s Magic Kingdom, you could find my brick, and step all over me if you want to. And you know that some of you want to do just that... LoL


Tommy Mondello holding his Disney brick



It’s located in section H08-670. Now, I have no idea what the fuck that means. But, I’m sure if you asked one of the workers, that they
could point you in the right direction.


Happy stomping!
(My ex was a truly wonderful and thoughtful woman, and yes, I dropped the ball
with our marriage.)


Anyway, most of the vacation was spent inside the theme parks. It’s a lot of work walking and waiting in lines, but for the first couple days it’s definitely worth it. Although, you do need a break from the crowds after those couple days.


But the place truly does transform you right back into a ten-year-old kid all over again. You could actually see your age dropping right before your very eyes with every step you take.


The one time I did feel like an adult though was when I made a complete fool of myself while purchasing a shirt from one of the
outdoor vendors.


As you know, the Disney characters wander around the whole park, spreading both cheers, and fears, to those little tykes.


Well, as we were poking around an outdoor souvenir shop, I saw Goofy walking towards us. Well, at least I thought it was Goofy!


So, I turned and yelled out real loud,
because I was truly excited...


Hey it’s Goofy!.………… Dead silence!


It was just like that old E.F. Hutton commercial, where the whole scene just stopped to listen. Remember that??


Well, this was pretty much like that, except there was a lot of laughing and pointing after the silence. Because, you see, it wasn’t Goofy at all.


It was fucking Pluto!


Like, how the hell should I know the difference?
Aren't they both stupid dogs or something?? LoL


Oh boy, it was so sad.


Little kids were pointing at me and laughing. Some of them had that confused look on their faces as to say, Mommy, did that asshole
just call Pluto, Goofy?


Even the woman behind the cash register at the souvenir shop was laughing. Oh yeah,
Lynn was laughin’ too.


I was like a fuckin' leper let loose
amongst the normal people.


Man, ridiculed at Walt Disney World.
It could only happen to me dude.


And oh, just to add icing on my cake of embarrassment I was verbally assaulted by one of those roaming role-playing assholes
you see all over the park.


It happened just shortly after my Pluto mishap as a guy dressed up in a cheesy comedian/reporter type getup began fucking with me.


He'd been witness to my faux pas just seconds before and felt the need to pile on.
That douche. LoL


Well, he began ranking me out as we left the souvenir shop. He was relentless. It was pretty funny actually. But the one comment, or rank out really, that will always make me laugh for the rest of my life was when that muthafucka
called me a fuckin' Chia Pet!


I was wearing a tank top at the time, and well, I was a bit hairy around the shoulders and back at the time. Until I finally looked up the word "grooming" in the dictionary. Something
some of you chicks should look up
as well by the way LoL


And so that fuck said I looked like a fuckin' Chia Pet, with the hair sticking out beyond the shirt and all. C'mon, dont'cha just wanna punch him right in the fuckin' face, and high-five him
all at the same time?


Too funny man, too funny.


But, I got over it. And besides,
it was time for our full body massages.


Now, I’m on vacation!



Fuck those little pointing/laughing bastards, and Pluto too, or whoever the hell he was.
And especially that motor-mouthed
Chia Pet talkin' hump.


See ya!


I’m headin’ back to the adult side of life.


So now, we get back into the spa portion of the story. The portion where I confirm to the world that I was... unlike today... the LEAST romantic human being on the face of this planet!


Now being that the resort was a spa, you got to walk around in your big, woolly bathrobe
and slippers, wherever you went.


It was incredible!


We walked around the entire resort
area like this.
Beautiful!
Nothing on underneath,
just a robe and slippers.


I mean, does it get any better than this?


All I needed was a snack tray, my couch, and I would’ve had my living room right there in Walt Disney World. Yep yep yep yep yep aahhhh... it sure am good bein’ 'round rich folk!


But wait, now it was time for our massages.


The actual spa portion of the hotel was located in a separate building. I’d say about three hundred yards away. At first, we both thought that we would have to walk there from the main hotel.


But, we found out that the hotel had golf cart type buggies to bring you back and forth.


Good grief, who were we,

fuckin' the Clampits?

The Beverly Hillbillies



We were like Jethro Bodine and Ellie May
for goodness sake.

Jethro Bodine and Ellie May Clampit


Next, we’ll be lookin’ for the cee-ment pond!


So okay, we weren't exactly worldly.
Take it easy will ya, we're learning.


That next day we rode over to the spa, and walked inside. We presented ourselves to the people behind the counter, and they told us to have a seat, that someone would be with us

in a second.


And in just a couple minutes, someone came out and took Lynn to the woman’s area

for some pre-massage stuff.


Then, someone came out to get me!
And thank goodness, she was pretty. Very!


Imagine getting a massage from a bruiser. Man, that would’ve sucked. Hey, nothin’ against ugly chicks... lord know's I'm no prize myself... far from it... but if I’m going to have someone run their greased up hands all over me, at least there should be a pretty face connected to them.


She introduced herself and began explaining to me just how the place ran. The both of us would have a sauna and whirlpool bath first.

Then, be brought to the massage room.


In our case, that room was one in the same,

as we asked for a couple’s massage.


So, after my sauna and nude whirlpool bath, that’s right, nude! It was a hundred gallons of warm, fart-filled bubbling water,

my swingin’ dick, and me.
Yeah baby!


Well, after that, I met up with my masseuse in the lounge. And then, we both walked over to the massage room, where we bumped into Lynn

and her boy toy.


We both looked at each other, like, where the fuck are we? And then, as we were about to walk through two separate doors, Ellie May reiterated that we were to have a massage

in the same room.


And then, Lynn’s guy replied...


But you are!


And with that said, we walked through the separate doors, only to meet on the other side. They both led to the same room. Where is that damn cee-ment pond anyway?


Now, once inside we were told to undress. Only this time it was just down to our underwear. Then lie face down on the padded table,

with a towel over our backsides.


Then, once completely comfortable, we were to ring a small dinner bell, signaling
that we were ready.


Man, it was just so cool. I felt like
the fuckin’ president or something.


Well, I rang the bell, and in they both came. And, within seconds the lights were lowered, soothing music began playing, and a beautiful girl had her greased up hands all over me
and Lynn's guy did the same.


And man, were we in hog heaven, or what!


You heard nothing but the soft music, and the squishy sounds of a soothing rub down. They had truly transformed this ordinary room
into a tropical romantic paradise.


Enter……… Jethro Mondello, the ruiner!


I couldn’t help it.
I didn’t know what to do.
So, I had to ask and simply ruined
the whole ambiance of the moment.


Well, I don’t know if you guys have ever laid down on a professional massage table before? But at the end where your heads goes, your face kinda nestles in a padded oval-shaped hole.



So, when you’re lying there,

you’re actually looking down at the floor.


This was an especially nice angle when the masseuse had her crotch up against my head, as she reached down my back with those soft, supple, but yet firm, hands of hers. Oh oh, sorry. I drifted off there for a second.



Well, after lying there for about ten minutes, my body just went completely limp. I was feeling no pain at this point. Every muscle, organ, gland

and function within my body was on siesta.


All except one... my salivary gland!



I’m sitting here right now cracking up as I type, just remembering this whole mess.

Oh man, help me please.


I couldn’t stop generating fucking saliva. I don’t know if it was because of the way I was lying down or if it was because I had the crotch of a hot 20 year old rubbing up against

my fucking head... LoL


Either way, it was like I had suddenly transformed into a goddamn St. Bernard. I was like Lon Chaney turning into the Wolfman

for goodness sake!


I mean, it was drool city.



And, I didn’t wanna swallow it. Crap, I don’t even think I could’ve at that point, because I was completely numb. But I had’ta do something.



So, while trying to contain the drool neatly within the bowels of my cheeks, I broke the relaxing tranquility of the room, by asking

in a garbled voice...


Uuhh, I know diss might sssound like a sssilly quession. But, what do you do with all the drool that buildss-up in your mouff?



Oh, my fucking goodness listen to me.



Born in the woods, and raised in a cave!

Jethro Mondello,
the fucking drooling Chia pet strikes again.


Everyone in the room began to laugh. Concentration was broken, relaxation was tested, and paradise was absolutely lost!



All because I didn’t know what to do with my fucking dog/Wolfman drool.



I don’t know, do rich people drool?

And if so, what do they do with it?


Well, as this stupid question rolled outta my mouth, my masseuse was standing right by my head. So, her feet were practically under my face. Well within the reach

of my liquefied ammunition.


But even I’m not that classless to do what you guys are thinking I did. No, I didn’t drool

all over her hot 20 year old's feet.


She then replied to my retarded question...



Well, you could do whatever you want with it.



She answered in a surprised and unprepared tone, as if she’d never had that question presented to her before. I find that

hard to believe.


What??????



Am I the only fuckin' person in the world who drooled during a massage?



I think not!



Or, maybe I was just the first idiot who didn’t know what to do with said drool!
Now, you’re in the right ballpark!


Anyway, she followed up her answer with...



Just don’t let it out all over my feet. Hahaha!


She was laughin’, but yet, she had a hint of seriousness embedded within
the syllables as well!


Man, I felt like such a dick.


But my checks were overflowing, and I had’ta do something. So, I turned my head to the left, and low and behold, there was a towel within reaching distance hanging on a hook.


Could it have been put there for this very reason?


Well, as far as I was concerned it was.


Because, it officially became the Tommy Mondello Wolfman drool towel.


I was saved!


There would be no puddle of drool under this boy’s massage table. Or, all over the feet
of my hot 20 year old either.


Then, all of the sudden, a calming sensation returned to the entire room. The concentration was back. Relaxation ruled. And truly,
paradise lost, had once again been found.


The rest of our massage went smoothly without a hitch, as did the remainder of our stay at Disney. Now, if we could only find that dang-gone
cee-ment pond!







I'm reading this story some 11 years after I first wrote it, and 16 years after it actually happened, and it's still as funny to me now as it was then. Too funny.


But I still wanna punch that dick in the mouth

for calling me Chia Pet... LoL


Chia Pet