Saturday, November 8, 2014

Why Do I Have to be the Person Who......


Why do I Have to be the
Person Who......

Boo-hoo hoooo!

Why does everything
always happen to me?

It's just not fair.
Why do I have to always
be the one to have to
do it or get caught doing it?

Why me... oh why me?

Oh shut the fuck up ya big baby.

Do you actually think that every time something stupid happens to you, that you're the only person in this fucking life that it happens to?

Please tell me that in your heart of hearts
that that's not your belief.

Don't get me wrong here, I'm the very first person to proclaim the “why me” mantra. So yeah, I'm just as big a fucking baby as you are.

But, right behind my minor meltdown
is the reality that of course this shit
doesn't just happen to me.

For some reason, my minor misguided disgust helps me to get through the temporary meltdown and touch of self pity.

Hey, what can I say,
I'm a complicated muthafucka!

Now as you begin to read the individual situations below, and you hear and feel the
“why me” theme emanating from between the lines, just know that I do realize that all of these annoyances don't just happen to me.

And I know that you guys go through
them as well okay.

So, with that said, lets get to it.

Just give that title one last read, then drop down to the list and go from there.

And I just know that there's gonna be at least one of these themes that WILL push your button, and you'll begin to crack up laughing
as you cry out loud...

Muthafuckin' Mondello...
you asshole you...
you fuckin' nailed it
right on the head dude!

I HATE that shit
when it fuckin' happens!!
And now I fuckin' hate you
for reminding me of it!

Naa... still love ya
you douche... LoL!!

Well, maybe you won't curse as much,
but I'm betting that those “F” bombs will make an appearance somewhere down the line.

So rock on mutha's, and think about
how much of an asshole you really are
the next time you spew the “why me” mantra.

And I'm way ahead of you guys with that,
for the simple fact that I already know
that I'm an asshole!

here we go..............

Why do I Have to be the
Person Who......

1 >>> always does the right thing!

Can someone else please fucking step up and do something for a change. Just once, just once I wanna be the dick who leaves it for the next guy. But alas, I can't. Because I hate the thought of being a dick even more than doing that right thing, again! It's a never ending cycle of niceness... and guilt. Doesn't it just make you wanna fucking puke your guts out... LoL

Although over these past years
I have finally learned...
to say no from time to time!

2 >>> always gets stuck behind
the one and only safe driver on the road!

Has this ever happened to you?

It's a sure sign not to go play the lottery on the day when this happens. Because you my friend, are one big fucking loser!
Why me?

Of all the whacky, aggressive driving assholes out there on our roadways, why do I constantly find the ONE, safe, cautious muthafucka?

And of course it goes without saying that you ALWAYS somehow get boxed in, and have no way of escaping your bar-less, unguarded prison.
You are indeed in driving hell.

No wonder people have road rage.
Get the fuck outta the way you assholes.
And lets not get into when they have
the common senseless audacity
to drive this way in the left lane.
Oh please don't get me goin' on that.

3 >>> always forgets to wipe off the head
of his dick when he goes
to take a piss after having
pornstar sex hours prior.

And please,

if you're offended by this one bit,
I want you to close the fucking
web browser tab this very instant!
And just go away!
You're way too damn sophisticated,
and uptight for this blog,
and we don't want you sucking
all the laughter out of the room!

You women probably don't understand
the incredible importance of such a
seemingly minor task.
But, you guys know exactly just what
the fuck I'm talking about dont'cha?

Ladies, have you ever been lying in bed while your man crawled out from under the covers to go take a leak, and then were suddenly awakened by a shrieking scream of pain emanating from said bathroom?

Well sure you have, it's inevitable and is going to happen sooner or later. So consider this
to be a public service announcement
geared towards all females who sleep with guys!

Well you see, if we, us guys that is,
neglect to wipe away ALL of that love-making juice, both yours AND ours,
it blocks the opening at the tip of our junk
like fucking quick drying cement.

And, when we let that immensely powerful stream of built up urine loose from it's happy bladder home, and it hits that road block
head on, well it stings like the burning
embers from the fires of hell itself.

I shit you not.

And then quickly melts through that blockade like an acetylene torch through steel. Thus shooting out a burning stream of fiery-lit yellow urine in every fucking direction except of course down, into the toilet.

Oh it's a fucking horror show
I tell you, a horror show!

Just listen for the screams in the middle of the night next time your guy heads to the loo after you've had sex earlier in the evening.
You'll see what I'm talking about.

And then you'll laugh your fucking heads off when you hear the shrieks from hell
because you've read this stupid story!

4 >>> always gets stuck right behind the guy
with a hundred and fifty-two different
combination bets on the lottery line.

All I can do is just stand there and wait
for my single "quick pick" request
opportunity to arrive.

Oh, and of course wish for a fucking
lightning bolt to incinerate that
Gamblers Anonymous needing dickhead
in front of me.

Dont'cha just wanna smack that muthafucka
in the back of the head when you're
the a-hole stuck there behind him in line!

5 >>> always steps in the fuckin' dog shit!

C'mon man, this one really isn't fair.
Could be ten people walking into the house,
or filling up the carpool van when...
sniff... sniff... sniff...

Oh man, who stepped in it?

I don't even have to look anymore.
I just raise my hand and disgustedly respond...

It's me, again!

It's really amazing how often this one happens.
But I have to admit that I really love it when it turns out to be the other person.

It's so great not being the shit-shoed loser
for a change, and to be one of the other assholes who gets to point the finger instead.

That's right muthafucka,
I'm as shallow as every one of you are.
Fun right!?

6 >>> always chooses the wrong
toll booth lane?

Well this one used to happen to me
all the time before the advent of the
greatest thing ever invented... ezpass!

But before this,
I'd always be waiting on line when all of the sudden the lane light turns red.
You muthafucka you!
Shift change.

So now I have to sit there in line and watch two brainless dickheads converse for 5 minutes with their jocular attitudes while I sit there and stew.

Look, I hate the fact that jobs will be lost,
but ezpass is the only way to go.

7 >>> always finds himself sitting directly behind the 9 foot tall muthafucker
in attendance at the concert,
play, ballgame or wherever it is.

What the fuck man?

Do I have a magnetic force built within me
that draws every fucking 9 foot asshole
in the tri-state area towards me?

It's gotta be man, it's just gotta be.
What, he couldn't sit in any of the
other 20,000 fucking seats in the arena.

And now, since I know you're laughing at me,
I only hope he sits in front of you next time.
Oh, even worse, he sits in front of your wife
so she nags the fuck outta you
until you finally switch seats.
that's what you get for laughin... LoL
I'll fix your wagon!

8 >>> always ends up being the one
to find that pristine, lengthy,
brunet hair strand right there,
smack dab in the middle
of my linguine and clam sauce,
as the waitress places it down in front of me.

Well, at least it wasn't short 'n curly,
this time!

9 >>> always pulls up to an atm
when I'm in a pinch,
only to to see the words
Down For Repairs
glaring back at me.

This one kills me.
Has it happened to you?

10 >>> writes a book only to have some dick
throw it in his fireplace

Now I KNOW this one has “me only”
written all over it!
That douche. LoL

11 >>> works out for pretty much his
entire life, only to come to realization
that I had more muscle mass
when I was in my mother's womb
then I do now!

It's just impossible I know.
I look kind of okay right after my work out.
When the lighting and shadows are perfect,
I can actually see what might be muscles.

But it seems that all of my hard work,
and muscles for that matter,
seem to flow right down the shower drain.

Because they ain't in any mirror
I look into after said shower.
Perfect light and shadows or not.
Maybe I have to buy a new mirror!

12 >>> always takes meticulous care to
line the seat of the much needed
bathroom stall. Covers the open space
along the door with my jacket.
Makes sure my wallet is in my front pocket
so it doesn't easily slip out of it's home.
Lives through a breathtaking bowel movement. Turns, reaches for a fistful of toilet paper,
and there is NONE!
Not a single muthafuckin' sheet!!

Why me dude, why!? LoL

And of course I just used the very last
seat liner as well on the seat!
Hello... is anyone out there?
A little help here please!

13 >>> always buys something from that guy selling things out of his car trunk.
Only to get home, unwrap both boxes,
to find out that instead of two brand new
VCR's inside, they were over-stuffed
with compacted paper for weight.

And no this didn't happen to me, but,
I know 2 people who it did happen to. LoL
And they just may have owned a restaurant together at one time.
Oh man, the jokes never ended!

14 >>> always unwittingly exposes the end
of a movie or book to a person
who hasn't yet seen that movie
or read said book.

Oh man, the look on their face
is just so unforgettable.

You can actually see the pure disappointment
and absolute disgust building
as the words are leaving my mouth.

And of course I don't catch on to what
I'm doing until it's too late,
and the ending has been revealed.

Oh boy, I've done this several times.
I've pretty much stopped talking about
all movies and books with people at this point.

Oh man, that look...
that pitiful look they give you,
it's priceless really. It is! LoL
Sorry 'bout that.

15 >>> is always the one idiot in Manhattan
to get caught pissing in public
and receive a summons.

Can you fuckin' believe it?

I was on my way to a service call,
pulled into the Fulton Fish Market area
below the beginning of the FDR Drive.
Got out, walked over to the nearest
overpass stanchion, unzipped,
and began peeing.

Just as I'm finishing up
I see a sanitation cop pulling up.
A sanitation fucking cop!
Whoever heard of such a thing... LoL

As he was writing up the ticket
I began blasting him with verbal abuse
while pointing out the fact that there
were people actually living in cardboard boxes,
and within there very own excrement
just 10 feet away from us.

The asshole just held up the summons
and said...
"You see that box that says $250?
Well if you don't shut up,
this $50 ticket will become a $250 one!"

I just shut up...
until he handed me the ticket
then resumed my verbal assault
upon his sanitation jerkoff cop ears.

There's a copy of the summons below.
This happened in 1995.
Then in 1996 I actually mailed this
to my local rock 'n roll hero
and he autographed it for me!
How cool!

He sent along a note that said...
"I hope you dried this fuckin' thing off
before you mailed it!"

Why me dude??
I don't know any other person
who has ever received a ticket for
"noxious liquids"

Noxious fuckin' liquids!
C'mon man... LoL

Tommy Mondello's ticket for "noxious liquids" autographed by Dee snider 1995/96

16 >>> always gets on the wrong
checkout line at the supermarket.

This one rides in tandem
with the toll booth frustration.

I used to have nightmares and wake up in the middle of the night covered in a cold sweat
as the words...

I need a key!

... reverberated in my head. LoL

Why don't they just give each cashier
a fucking key?

He can't be any less dependable
then the pimple-faced supervisor
who schleps over to clear the register is.

And of course it always happens
when you're in a bit of a hurry.
You almost just wanna dump
your items right there on the floor
and walk the fuck out.

I've actually seen people do that.
I'm pretty sure I haven't as of yet.
But I KNOW you have...

17 >>> is always the guy that spends my entire work week absolutely craving
a certain food from my favorite restaurant,
only to be told by the waiter taking the order...
Oh I'm so sorry sir,
but we JUST ran out of that item.
Would you like to order something else?

NO you didn't just say that
you muthafucking retard!

Doesn't he know I've been thinking about this meal for 5 days now, waiting for this
very moment to arrive.


LoL... oh man, what a loser I am at times.

So, the moral of the story here just has to be without a doubt that the next time you have a hankering for something special and head off to your favorite restaurant, make sure you slip a billy-club into your jacket pocket.

This way if and when your waiter ever informs you again that they've just run out of whatever it is that you're craving, you can whip out big bad billy 'n beat that bitch upside the head.

Now mind you,
your cravings won't be calmed,
but at least you'll feel satisfied!!

18 >>> always has to be the one asshole
who pulls away from the car wash
with my babygirl gleaming bright,
sparkling in the noon day sun
only to be shit on by a flock
of winged dive-bombing
muthafucking birds.

And they always make a direct hit
dead center on the hood...
splat splat splat splat...
white crud!

You muthafucka you!

I think the guys at the car wash
let them loose just as a car exits.
Those fucks!

Hell, that's what I would do
if I owned a car wash. LoL
This has actually happened several times.

19 >>> always has to be the one sucker
to date a girl who actually
fakes her own muthafucking death
after a year of dating.

No shit man...
it happened!
It really happened!

You'll be reading about this real life
true nightmare I went through
alittle further into the blog.

C'mon, I think I finally have
the right to say "it"... on this one... LoL

I have others,
but I think you guys get the picture.

So, have you been the victim
of any of this nonsense?
Fucked up right?

And yes,  believe it or not,
I'm still crying out the “why me” mantra,
even after writing this little gathering
of observations.

Hey... what can I tell ya?
Do as I say... and not as I do!

It's so difficult
to always walk your talk isn't it?
I'll try and do better.
Especially with the choice of my next girlfriend!