Saturday, November 22, 2014

Open Mouth Insert Foot


Just picture yourself sitting
in front of your TV or radio
listening to the voice
of your favorite play-by-play
sports color commentator
delivering his or her best
description of what was going on.

You are now about to step into...


Enter at your own risk... LoL

Open Mouth Insert Foot

Maybe that’s what I should’ve called
this stupid blog. LoL

I’ve said so many stupid and ridiculous things throughout the years, but this time...

I really painted myself into a corner.
And then, threw away the key!
(Thank you Archie Bunker for that last line! R.I.P.)

You see, some friends of mine, Debbie and Jeff S., decided to have a party. It was just going to be a small get together for some of the old crew.

This was a really great idea, because you tend to lose contact with a lot of your old friends
as the years go by as we all know.

So, without hesitation, my friend Gregg P. and I hopped in the car, and drove right down there
on the night of the party.

It was really a good time seeing everyone again. The beers began to flow, and another old friend of ours broke out the guitar, and we all started singin’ the classics.

We sang everything
(we always sang "Forest Ave" freeze out!)
And everything in-between.

It felt as though we were still hangin’ out
as we did every weekend at the
Van Name brook, like the old days!

The Van Name brook... our teenage wasteland AND gathering point.

This would be impossible now, being how everyone has moved away to different states and all. In fact, our guitar playing friend and his wife drove down from Connecticut just to be there. Now that’s dedication!

Well, the party was moving along rather nicely. But then, all of the sudden, it hit a speed bump.

And as you could imagine,
the bump... was me!

I swear, I didn’t mean anything by it.

I was just tryin’ to make her feel
like one of the gang.
Ya know, like an old friend.

Okay okay, lemme explain.

Well you see, our guitar playing friend's wife didn’t grow up with us. In fact, this was the very first time that we’ve ever met her.

So, of course, she was a little timid at first. Just like many of you guys out there would be, if you were hangin’ out with your spouse’s old gang
for the first time, right?

But, I remember that she was really cool, and was fitting in rather easily. And by all means, I had no intentions of humiliating, or hurting her feelings in any way whatsoever.

Even though, I’m sure I did.

So, if by chance you are actually reading this my dear, I’m so so sorry, once again
for being the dick that I didn't know I was!

But, you have to admit, years later; it does make for a funny story! So I hope you're laughing
and taking it all in stride.

Well, the party had great vibes resonating. And, then, it happened. I said the wrong thing, to the wrong person, at the wrong fucking time…… again!

I remember that Jeff S., Gregg P., Joey M,
and myself, were standing in the kitchen
talking with her.

We were all having a great time getting to know one another, when I saw something out of place.

So, without hesitation, I turned to her, and said that she had a piece of food on her chin, just like I would say to anyone of my other friends.

Oh boy!

Was that the wrong thing to say!

She quickly threw her hands up over her chin, and began rambling on about operations, and doctors, and all sorts of things.

At first, we didn’t understand what the hell she was talkin’ about. But then, it all came together.

You see, that wasn’t a piece of food on her chin, it was some kind of growth. It was so tiny
that you really couldn’t see it.

Except, of course, if you were me!

She continued on, about how she was just days away from having it removed and so on and so forth. Oh man, you just had'ta be in that room.

The heaviness, the embarrassment, and the sense of I just wanna get the fuck outta here, was incredible.

And, to make matters worse, I just kept digging the hole deeper with my untimely openness
and top shelf stupidity.

The whole scene just played out like this.

Just remember, all five of us were in the kitchen, bullshitting. Then, Mr. I just wanna make you feel like one of the gang says...

Oh hey dear,
you have a piece of food on your chin!

She then freaked out,
and up went her hands to cover her chin.

Oh no, no,
I’m going for an operation to get that removed. I’ve had it since I was a child. I’m going to the hospital. The doctor is going to remove it!

She was scrambling for words, and I’m sure, looking for a hole to crawl into at the same time. Oh, after punching me in the face first, of course!

But it didn’t end there.

I felt that I needed to rectify my misfiring.
Enter, the Mondello logic.

I thought that by telling her about my own shortcomings, that it would maybe ease
the situation a little.

Just how stupid am I?

Using my own embarrassing features and deformities to make her feel better about hers! LoL

Yeah, that’s just what she needed to hear at this point. But again, I was honestly
only tryin’ to help.

So, at this point, she was still freaking out. I was standing there with my mouth wide open, in disbelief. The other guys began to cower with embarrassment, and had quickly begun
to distance themselves from me.

Thanks a lot guys, you pricks!

Then, out came the reassurance that yes, I too, was once a deformed monster.

Oh hey, don’t worry!
I get these gigantic pimples on the side of my nose that take weeks to go away sometimes!
So, I know what it feels like!

And this, was supposed to help the situation!

Oh crap, you should’ve seen the guys at this point. They just started giving off all kinds of noises and sounds, resembling a crowd’s reaction to a boxer getting pummeled in the ring.

All the while, quietly backpedaling
into the living room, away from the carnage.

It sounded like this……

"Oooh, Aaah.
Oh man, listen to him!
Oh, he’ll never recover from that one!"

With each comment they spewed,
came with it another schlep backwards
towards the living room.

Until finally, they were all gone,
and it was just her, and I.

Chin meat...... to big pimple.

Oh those chicken shit scumbags!

They left me to drown in a pool
of my own stupidity!

I just couldn’t stop.
I kept describing all of my blemishes to her, actually thinking that it would make her feel better about herself.

What the fuck was I thinking?

Oh, the whole scene was so funny when those scumbags started up with the noises, and began back-peddling while doing commentary.

Oh listen to that one!
He’s deekin'  'n dukin'.
Moving left, moving right.
Look at him go!
I don’t think he’s gonna make it out alive!

Oh those fuckers! Hahahaha!

Well, finally, I figured out that I should just shut my fucking mouth! That most women are vain enough about their appearance as it is.

They certainly didn’t need me pointing out
hunks of meat hanging from their chin!

It wasn’t really that bad though.
Hunk of meat just sounds better for the blog.

So okay, the damage was already done.
But once again, I have to reiterate
that I was truly only trying to help!

Hey, if I had some food, or other shit on my face, I’d expect one of my dickhead friends to point it out to me, just as I would do with them.

So, if anyone of you has a hunk of meat protruding from your chin, please warn me ahead of time. I wouldn’t wanna mistake it for a piece of eggplant, and unleash my deformities on you!

and look at you, you're pregnant!
You look so beautiful!
When is the due date???

You're not............


Open mouth... insert foot!