Saturday, August 24, 2013

Desperate Times Call for Desperate Measures







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Two things that we all know about men are...

one...


... we will do ANYTHING to have sex with you!
ANYTHING!


From promising you the lobster and champagne dinner... to swearing to the heavens above that we will NOT... cum in your mouth!!


Harsh I know... but so so... so very true!! LoL


And two...


... that we will do or say
pretty much anything
to get out of work.
ANY kind of work!


Well this was one of those
"do anything to get outta work" times
during my navy boot camp horror!


I may have been 21/22 years old on paper at this point in my life... but I can truly tell you that in reality... I was MAYBE... 10.


And I can assure you
that if there was any Mini Dust around, you'd bet your ass I'd be hangin' onto that fuckin' fence for dear life my friends. For dear muthafucking life!


Damn that dust!


My apologies go out to Bob Dylan.
And soon you'll know why!









Desperate Times
Call for Desperate Measures


The number one priority while in boot camp,
was trying to get out of work.


Period!


Be it marching, exercising, or even guard duty. We would go to great lengths to avoid being involved with any of this meaningless bullshit.


I even went so far as to try out for the fucking Glee Club to escape my duties.


That’s right;
the Navy had a mutha F'ing Glee Club.
Can you believe it?


And I tried to get in it!


Can you believe that?!


Hey, we heard that anyone who participated in the club got out of all sorts of shit details. And since it was our sworn duty to shirk all responsibilities, I stepped up to the microphone and kicked sum boot camp ass!


Well, in MY mind I did at least!


It happened the day our Petty Officer came into the barracks and said that there were two slots open in the club. He asked for volunteers and about ten of us raised our hands.


And so, to knock that number down to two, we held an audition right there on the spot. It was the funniest and... most disturbing
thing I’ve ever seen.


Believe me, having the gift of voice must be an incredible sensation to experience. Too bad that sensation was nowhere to be found
within our barracks.


Not so much as a fuckin’ tingle!


It was all done A cappella.


Ya know, just you singin’ without any musical accompaniment to guide you.


Guys were destroying all genres of music. It was so sad! LoL From country to rock-n-roll,
no category was safe on this day.


One by one, the guys would stand in front of the entire squad and simply humiliate themselves.


It was beautiful!


And I thought guys would do or say anything to get fuckin' laid. Shit, just giv’em an opportunity to get outta some silly work, and see what
the fuck happens! Look out!


Finally, it was my turn to hop up onto the barrel and destroy someone’s life work. And in my case, it was Bob Dylan who was about to be assaulted.


I thought how bad could you fuck up
a Bob Dylan song?


I mean, no one understands what the hell he’s singing anyway. So I thought I could hide my talent-less self, deep within one of his songs.


I decided to sing Blowing In The Wind, and  believe me, this day could very possibly have been the saddest day in music history.


Something was blowing in the wind alright, but I'm almost certain that it wasn't talent.


I stood up before my peers, and just belted out that bitch as best I could. Sad really!


"Uuuhh… How many roads, must a man walk down, before you call him a man? And, uuuhh… how many seas, must a white dove sail,
before she sleeps in the sand?"


And so on...


    It actually wasn’t all that bad, except that maybe I was singin’ it in the key of fucking
“Z” minor, or something as off beat.


But I sang the whole song without making any mistakes. Well none that they picked up on.


So, I guess that created the illusion that it sounded somewhat like the real song.
But then again, these fuckin’ guys
probably thought I was Bob Dylan.


So, after everyone finished their little ditty, the guys held an open vote, and fuckin’ A, they voted me into one of the open slots.


Now, it could’ve been that they were just sick of me screaming Ozzy/Black Sabbath songs, and ruining their freshly made bunks,
(remember The Name Game?)
and wanted to get rid of me for a spell,
or maybe they really liked
the way I…….......


......... no, no…… it must’ve been the bunk thing!


Oh man, I was going to be one of the geeks
in the Glee Club. Yikes!


And I bet that they didn’t sing any
Black-fucking-Sabbath or Ozzy either!


But hey, I was gonna get outta all sorts of work now. And, that my friend,
was what it was all about!


The only thing the both of us had to do was show up to practice, follow a few simple rules,
and obey the Navy way.
And, that’s where they lost us.
2 Fuckin' ratards!!!!!


Our total Glee Club run was less than two days.
That's right... LESS, than 2 days!


The both of us just stuck out like Michael Jordan and Howard Stern at a midget convention.


Everyone there was so clean cut. Even more than the normal navy "clean cut". You could just see that they were serious about singing,
and had the talent to back it up!


Then, we walked in!


Lookin’ like two of the Bowery Boys,
compared to the rest of the group.


How they let us 2 a-holes into their little world was beyond me. Obviously, a drastic mistake
had been made.


I think we were the token losers.


They must’ve had a quota that they needed to fill or something. Enter yours truly and the other no talent knucklehead I was with.
Quota number one... and two.


Everyone introduced themselves to us, and we knew right then and there that this
wasn’t going to last very long.


I remember the club leader stuck us way back in the last row. We were so far from the microphones that we could’ve screamed
and still not have been heard.


We were like Beavis and Butthead back there, making fun of everyone, including the conductor. No one was safe from our wrath.


We didn’t sing along or anything. We just stood back there and laughed the whole practice session away. And, by the end of practice, everyone hated us, but that only
made us laugh even harder.


Day two, our last practice,
began much the same
as the previous day.


Back row, ranking out, and endless laughter!


We didn’t even attempt to hide our raucous behavior at this point. Remember, we weren’t there to sing; we were just there to get out of fucking marching around in endless circles.


But the conductor wasn't about to standby and allow a second disruptive day to get behind him. 


EXCUSE ME! The two new guys in the back,
can you please come up front.


This was it!
The hammer was about to fall
right on top of our heads.


Are you guys out of your Goddamn minds?
Why the hell are you here?
AND WHO THE HELL SENT YOU TO US?


I calmly explained our situation
to the conductor.


Uuuhh… well, we heard that you Glee Club guys got to do some cool stuff. And… uuuhh… we were just doin’ a bunch’a shit over at the barracks. So… uuuhh… we wanted to…………………


.......... the conductor then cut me off
in mid babble.


SO YOU GUYS HAVE ABSOLUTELY NO REASON FOR BEING HERE EXCEPT TO STAND BACK THERE AND ACT LIKE TWO ASSHOLES!
IS THAT CORRECT?


I shamefully answered
Uuuhh… well………


...... he again jumped in, and said...


WELL, WELL, WELL MY FUCKIN' ASS! The both of you guys get the hell outta here, and don’t ever come back. And, you tell your commander that he better send over someone serious, or don’t bother to send anyone at all. AND IF HE’S GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT,
TELL’EM TO COME AND SEE ME!


And, like two little giddy a-hole 10 year olds, we just started punching one another in the arm while blaming each other for getting us
kicked out of the glee club.


Oh, man, please say that again.


Getting us kicked out, of the Glee Club!


It’s embarrassing enough just getting in. But to be kicked out, was truly a disaster.


We now had to go back and tell our commander that we were no longer in the club. That he would have to send two other guys in our place.


He wasn’t all too happy with that. But after taking a step back, and then looking at exactly who he had sent over there in the first place, he then fully understood the conductor’s actions.


"You 2 fuckin' guys!" was all he said... LoL


So, I just went back to screaming out Black Sabbath/Ozzy tunes, and bunk hopping as if nothing had ever happened.


Once again, the universe, and stars were back in alignment, and our happy home
was once again in order!


And, thus ends yet another short lived career of Tommy Mondello………


Glee Club failure!